What can I say? Online journals suck but they sure beat writing a report on the economic development of the Philippines. For the record I have barely started the report and it is due tomorrow. I've been procrastinating lately but then again I've been doing a lot of bad things already. I guess I can safely say that I am at the anti coming of age climax of my life. I'm somewhat self destructive in the more normal way. You know, Drugs, sex, alcohol... Ok minus the sex part. I don't get action. It's just a rule god made for me I swear. When he made me he was like. "I'll make her a lesbian and why not? I'll torture and make her the sexless lesbian just for fun." Although torture doesn't really bother me all that much. As long as it isn't a paper cut.
At work I got a cardboard cut. It really hurt. It hurt more than the grease burns I always get on my hands. I work at McDonalds. Don't ever work there! I warn you.
I wish I was still sleeping dreaming about my somewhat lover... And no It wasn't a sex dream! It was a dream about her leaving my school to go to a new school. And by somewhat lover I mean that we really like eachother but she's not ready for the emotional and physicalness of a relationship. I understand and completely respect her choice but sometimes I just want to say "God! What's there to understand! You like GIRLS! GIRLS I SAY!!! GIRLS!!!!!"
But somehow I don't think that this would go over very well. I think she needs some one to talk to about this. I want to talk to her but I am such a coward around her. But if I could say what I wanted I would ask about her past, tell her this could just be a horomone thing, tell her not to label herself if she isn't comfortable with the label... blah blah blah... comfort, comfort, comfort. All that Jazz. I just want to understand her and push her in the right direction to figuring herself out because I really do care A LOT about her. And I know that I can only guide her and not be like "Here, this is who you are! No questions!!!" Whatever.
I remember whenI discovered I was a REAL lesbian (not that I wasn't aware of my overly affectionate nature towards women) I really needed some one to talk to and there was no one except for OUTPROUD and OASIS MAG. I give a lot of the credit for my somewhat succesful devolopment as a lesbian to these two websites because they made me feel like I belonged some where and that there are other gay people out there. I give the rest of my credit to Showcase and Bravo and a few choice movies that made me realize a lesbians life can be a comedy.
I must start my report now...