lose yourself?-maybe i took eminem 2literally. nah

Tjedza's picture

I wasn’t always like this, ‘cool’, ‘popular’, excessively ‘bubbly’, insensitive, self-centered, gay… pretending to be straight, in fact I didn’t have a sexuality.

I never used to get horny, I never felt a crush on anyone, I wasn’t always happy, but when I was- I was genuinely happy. I was innocent. I was the victim of jokes/insults/teasing- never the offender.

Fuck, how can two years of my life just disappear like that? How can a whole two years be fully summarized in just two short paragraphs, who the hell was I when I was 13-14… what happened to me? Where did that person go?

Was I a geek? - I remember I used to study a lot and I even used to read novels etc.
Was I fat? – I remember I used to eat a lot, and my mother reminded me of my heavy weight every day, yeah yeah, I was fat- hell I don’t even remember what I looked like exactly in 2001, I never took a single picture that year.. I got one or two from 2000, hmm I was darker. Yeah I remember one of those pictures, it had my baby sister(she was 2), my little sister (she was 8ish) and me… 13, in am unflattering orange t-shirt holding the baby…and ah those precious words- “say cheese.

Comments

Lit From Inside's picture

Cos' Identity is fluid

First you have to worry about your identity, and then worry about love. Think about this: if you don't believe that you're being true to yourself, how can you know if your true self is in love? Think about who you are, stop doing things solely to please others, and be "popular," be who you want to be, and who you are. Chances are, the person that you're pretending to be is part of your true identity, just not all of it. Let your whole self shine. Then you'll know who your friends really are. It's likely that you'll hang out with different friends in order to nurture differnt parts of your being. If your loved one truly loves you, she'll help you through this journey and support the person who you become.

aviva's picture

She'd be a fool not to love u as u grow: Donald Essay

Maybe your lover didn't know you because you wouldn't speak to her and she wasn't the type to speak to people who didn't wanna know. She was a different person back then. We all love different people at different times in our lives, and it's only as we grow and change that we come to love the people we love now. I know I couldn't have fallen in love with my girl if I had been the same girl in F3 as I was in F1, coz the me in F1 was STRAIGHT and she only cared about her clique and the issues she was facing. It doesn't matter that I didn't know my girlfriend (thus couldn't have loved her) in F1, because back then, I wasn't even the girl she loves now. If you knew the F1 me, now, you wouldn't love me either. Don't judge me because I love who you are now - I didn't par wit u back then. Neither did you, by the way.

But then I changed, and this amazing girl came into my life who made me believe that anything was possible - a 'straight' girl can discover she's gay, an insecure girl can discover that she's really profound and beautiful despite her imperfections and find that someone can love her unconditionally (you can decide who that girl is - you or me).

You are what I was waiting for. It's funny that you're worried that your girl won't love you if you change back into the girl you were back then, because you already have changed into her a little this year. Some of her purest values are now yours again. She believed in friendship - so do you (fuck you'd change yourself for your friends!).

Baby, all the things I love about you are in her- that quiet girl. I love you most when you say nothing at all - (Yes, I'm a blabbermouth). I love you when you don't try to be cool - when you're just you and you're dancing like a drunk man or getting passionate over football or the simms or MUSIC or how much you love your family, friends and girlfriend. I love the you that doesn't need to pretend, but can just cry in front of me, or admit she's angry/jealous even though she never gets angry/jealous. I love the you that I need to hug - that person in your head you won't let me love.

Fuck the pimp and the 'popular' rebel - those are the loudmouths that finally got the guts to let that princess talk to me. I didn't love you because of those guys: Hell yeah, they were fun as fuck, but they never KEPT me interested. I'm the kind of girl that gets bored if it ain't meaningful (even if it's just music lyrics)- c'mon, you KNOW me! :)I could never have stayed this long with someone who didn't love, who wasn't intelligent and SENSITIVE, and wasn't a dreamer and a lover of life like I am. I couldn't stay with a girl who wasn't compassionate and a little bit of a geek. I love the child in you (no I'm not a paedophile), I love her, coz she lets my inner child play sometimes too. I love being your friend and not just that -your BESTfriend. If you're scared that I'm not in love with the real you, you shouldn't be: I already told you - the parts of you that you're scared are the only parts I love (the pimp, the girl who's always funny, always cool) are the parts I had to get used to - that I never really needed. You changed for them, not me: remember that I never really saw you like other people did - I didn't get why they were making all that fuss. It's only when we became close that I got to see your other side and I fell - SPLAT! The sexiest part of you isn't your sexy talk, or game - it's the way you get excited about life, it's your laugh, your quiet moments, your baby moments, your dreams, your kisses that are kisses that look for love. No matter what babe - you didn't lose yourself. You changed, but I'm only in love with you.YOU- Whoever you were when I was too dumb to know you were the love of my life, whoever you are now, and whoever you become. I'll be there - to love the only woman who at 17, can make me want to forget New York and want a forever with.

Bref, I would be a fool, if I wasn't prepared to love you, whoever you decide you were and are. And you know, I scheme that when you tell me who you were I'll be like "Duh! I already know that girl - she's the one I'm in love with, don't you know?"

Uh... Who I love now is a blend of who you've been your whole life. You were that F1 girl much longer than you were this other chick, so naturally, most of who you are now is that F1. Uh... am not making sense. All I know is that I love you.

Signed: call me what you will.

Tjedza's picture

marathon essay...ah its how u do

wow- well expressed and so concisely!
- i almost fell to tears just reading this.
um... thank you.
--
maybe i'm just thinkin 2hard- i wasnt tryna judge anyone-
just trying to assert myself.
what a waste of time.

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred"