Migraines and/or What could I be so afraid of?

Daisy's picture

Last night was one of those really bad migraine nights, where the headache keeps changing from one sensation to another (first it's my vision, then a headache, then mood swings, then my stomach hurts, etc). Whenever this happens I always end up sobbing and get really messed up, and like, screaming things at myself that I don't understand, and usually cutting myself. I didn't cut myself, which was hard (REALLY hard) but I'm glad I didn't.

It started around 3 pm and lasted until about midnight, when I finally just fell asleep. I slept like I was dead. When I woke up this morning, I felt better. Cleansed. Resigned to myself and my demons. And thank God, because sometimes after a night like that I wake up feeling ten times worse.

I keep doing this thing lately where I'll be sitting there, in class or in my room or whatever, and it's sort of like, "I'm GAY"... And then I kind of whimper and freak out a little. I don't know why. If I am, it's fine. I live in a VERY liberal city, all my friends would be fine with it, my family would be fine with it.

My mom's a lesbian! What could I be so afraid of?

Of people thinking it's somehow her fault? Or that I'm just copying her?

Or maybe it really is that scary to realize I'm not what I always thought I was?

Is it possible that I'm scared to admit I am because I think I'll never be able to get a girlfriend?

I've always found straight guys to be sort of easy, desperate, and every where... But girls are a whole different game. At least if I'm bisexual then I have guys to fall back on.

Ehh. Confusion is gross. I hope this sorts itself out soon.

Anyway, thanks to any one who read this... I hope you guys are doing well.

That's all I've got for now.

Comments

plaid_butterfly's picture

Hey, I'd love to chat sometim

Hey, I'd love to chat sometime! (Sounds like you're having some hard times!) You are so totally lucky that you mom is gay... Everyone knows I'm a lesbian except my parents, I'm still trying to tell them. My aim is poofta580 , i still hvae to upload it, but I'll be on on Sunday (Tommorrow).

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Someone wishing they could have sex with men? There are entire lesbian comedy routines about how that is one of the best things they don't have to deal with...

It sounds like you enjoy putting obstacles in your path. Half of your questions you can't answer, so they are just there to fuck you up, basically. What will people think... Will I ever get a girlfriend...

It's hard to find what exactly you're confused about. It sounds like it is more about perception than reality. You already know your reality. That doesn't mean you accept it. But, once you know it, it isn't confusion anymore. You don't know the answers to things you shouldn't or can't know the answers to in advance... that is called life.

BTW, good article on Cutting in this week's Time Magazine.