Last night was one of those really bad migraine nights, where the headache keeps changing from one sensation to another (first it's my vision, then a headache, then mood swings, then my stomach hurts, etc). Whenever this happens I always end up sobbing and get really messed up, and like, screaming things at myself that I don't understand, and usually cutting myself. I didn't cut myself, which was hard (REALLY hard) but I'm glad I didn't.
It started around 3 pm and lasted until about midnight, when I finally just fell asleep. I slept like I was dead. When I woke up this morning, I felt better. Cleansed. Resigned to myself and my demons. And thank God, because sometimes after a night like that I wake up feeling ten times worse.
I keep doing this thing lately where I'll be sitting there, in class or in my room or whatever, and it's sort of like, "I'm GAY"... And then I kind of whimper and freak out a little. I don't know why. If I am, it's fine. I live in a VERY liberal city, all my friends would be fine with it, my family would be fine with it.
My mom's a lesbian! What could I be so afraid of?
Of people thinking it's somehow her fault? Or that I'm just copying her?
Or maybe it really is that scary to realize I'm not what I always thought I was?
Is it possible that I'm scared to admit I am because I think I'll never be able to get a girlfriend?
I've always found straight guys to be sort of easy, desperate, and every where... But girls are a whole different game. At least if I'm bisexual then I have guys to fall back on.
Ehh. Confusion is gross. I hope this sorts itself out soon.
Anyway, thanks to any one who read this... I hope you guys are doing well.
That's all I've got for now.