My Boyfriend/Virginity/Lost in the Void of Sexuality (again)

Daisy's picture

Hi everybody.

Today was really weird. I haven't been at school in sooo long, and being there was just... Weird. We only have three weeks left, but suddenly that seems like a really long time.

I'm kind of upset about something, and I'm not totally sure why. My boyfriend and I have been together for... I dunno, like two months or so. Things with him are fine, techinically. I don't know. I just feel kind of weird about the whole thing. Like, yeah, I like him, but... Well. The whole thing is just so altogether not a big deal. I just don't care that much, either way. I feel like I'm just sort of screwing around, waiting for something better to come along. Or like we're together by accident, or by default. Because there was nothing else to do. And what the hell is our relationship about? It's not about love. Is it about sex? WHAT'S THE POINT? WHERE IS IT GOING?

And speaking of sex. Oh God. I don't know. There's this plastic bag of contraception sitting on the floor of my room. Waiting. I'll probably end up sleeping with him this weeked. But WHY? I don't love him. He's not like, pressuring me to have sex or anything. So what the fuck am I doing? Just messing around? Trying to prove I like guys?

I'm so scared that that's what this is. That the reason I'm going to bang him is to try to convince myself I'm not gay. Or that the reason I don't care that much is because he's a boy... That sure, maybe I like guys on a physical level but, as I've been wondering about for a long time, I'm just plain NOT CAPABLE of having a real relationship with a guy. And what the hell is that?

As I believe I have said in my journal before, what would that make me, bisexual but functionally a lesbian? Does that happen? Or maybe gay but attracted to occaisional, random guys. Is that allowed?

And just a few days ago I was saying that I'd given up on figuring this out any time soon. Oh well. Perhaps I should just stick to "lost in the void of sexuality" and leave it at that.

:(

Sorry for the ramble. I hope all is generally well with you guys.

Comments

niks121997's picture

Echoes

While reading this entry I couldn't help but nod in agreement especially throughout the second paragraph as well as the statement that you like guys on a physical level but aren't capable of having a "real relationship" with them. :shrugs:

It's all so complicated or maybe I'm making it complicated.

"Lost in the void of sexuality" sounds like an accurate term.

"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful that it is no worse than it is."

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

PROBLEM_CHILD's picture

hmmm

i'm gonna have to go with niks here but another thing don't sleep with him if you don't love him it'd be a waste.if i was in your situation i'd just break it off if i knew in my mind that i didn't love them.but then again that's my opinion.well hope ou get it all sorted out.

I want to cry but my pride won't let me.

Duct Tape Fairy's picture

hope things end up ok

I don't really have any advice- but I just read your post and I hope things end up ok for you. So far, I'd generally agree with what other people have said. Mostly, just don't do anything you don't want to do or aren't sure you want to do. If you are a bit unsure about whether you want to have sex with this guy, then go with that feeling- don't rush into it (sex) just because you are uncertain. If you don't love him then I'd give it some time. Maybe things will progress for the better, or maybe you'll break up. Whatever you do, I wish you good luck, and hope things end up for the better.
-ninabird