Today was really weird. I haven't been at school in sooo long, and being there was just... Weird. We only have three weeks left, but suddenly that seems like a really long time.
I'm kind of upset about something, and I'm not totally sure why. My boyfriend and I have been together for... I dunno, like two months or so. Things with him are fine, techinically. I don't know. I just feel kind of weird about the whole thing. Like, yeah, I like him, but... Well. The whole thing is just so altogether not a big deal. I just don't care that much, either way. I feel like I'm just sort of screwing around, waiting for something better to come along. Or like we're together by accident, or by default. Because there was nothing else to do. And what the hell is our relationship about? It's not about love. Is it about sex? WHAT'S THE POINT? WHERE IS IT GOING?
And speaking of sex. Oh God. I don't know. There's this plastic bag of contraception sitting on the floor of my room. Waiting. I'll probably end up sleeping with him this weeked. But WHY? I don't love him. He's not like, pressuring me to have sex or anything. So what the fuck am I doing? Just messing around? Trying to prove I like guys?
I'm so scared that that's what this is. That the reason I'm going to bang him is to try to convince myself I'm not gay. Or that the reason I don't care that much is because he's a boy... That sure, maybe I like guys on a physical level but, as I've been wondering about for a long time, I'm just plain NOT CAPABLE of having a real relationship with a guy. And what the hell is that?
As I believe I have said in my journal before, what would that make me, bisexual but functionally a lesbian? Does that happen? Or maybe gay but attracted to occaisional, random guys. Is that allowed?
And just a few days ago I was saying that I'd given up on figuring this out any time soon. Oh well. Perhaps I should just stick to "lost in the void of sexuality" and leave it at that.
Sorry for the ramble. I hope all is generally well with you guys.