Where is it written that life should be easy? When did if become reasonable for people to try to change themselves, for the sake of comfort or convenience? Why do we take all our energy for improvement, for doing good, and turn it inward?
I just came home from a very upsetting session with my therapist. I don't want to see her, or anybody else that, ever again.
I love myself, I love my life. I am what I am. And if what I am is painful, so be it. I was made this way, this is how I am meant to be. Why shouldn't I suffer?
What gives any person the right to say, "These are good things, these bad"? And then to go beyond that, even, and try to maximize the good, minimize the bad. It is absurd. I find it disgusting.
I don't see why I shouldn't feel pain. The fact that I (allegedly) experience more than most other people, that it comes from inside me, is irrelevant. It is mine. I am disturbed by the idea that it should be removed as I would be by the idea that my happiness should be reduced.
Where did this idea that each of us has the right to alter our emotional existence until it is satisfactory come from? It's very... Manifest destiny. The assumption that all people are meant to be happy. How could they possibily know whether or not I am meant to be happy?
Certainly I WANT to be. But I want a lot of things... That doesn't mean I deserve them. Or that I was ever intended to have them.
The words -- MY words, MY feelings -- sounded so demented in her mouth. I hated her for parroting them back to me. I hated her for watching my mother and I together and thinking she could ever have any idea of what was going on between us.
Why shouldn't people suffer?
I love myself. I love what I am. I don't want to change that, least of all with subtances, with trained professions. I will become all that I am meant to be when I am meant to be it. All this interferences only delays my development.
I am so sick of this fucking entitlement. As if they have any authority. As if their thoughts are somehow on a par with nature, every bit as important. The fact that things CAN be altered doens't mean they should be.
Yes, sometimes I am overwhelmed with pain. But it is mine, it was assigned to me. I don't want it taken away.
I don't think this entry really made any sense... I am very angry right now. Goodnight.