why am i so bloody angry?
i'm not screaming and shouting and throwing random pieces of furniture (wwe smackdown style) no- i'm in pain... i feel like atlas- only at least the world was on his shoulders- on the outside-
i feel a pain, a heavy,drowsy, consumptive pain sapping my strength from the inside...
tugging onto my heart-
my heart hurts.
ever walked into a chair/door and hit your toe against its corner.... you know that sharp pain that brings you swiftly down to the ground as it shoots up at double the speed to your heart, and you can feel the temperature rising in ur chest as u are now helpless, weakened, compelled to hold your foot up tightly as u rock back and forth in pain?- still ur heart feels pierced.
double that... and raise to the power of about 40, and you might have a glimpse of what i feel.
my girlfriend says that i never get angry, well rather that i never respond to pain as it hits me (emotionally), i just take it all in and 'bury' it.
now its digging itself out- i can feel the ground trembling beneath me, all the angry feelings all the passionate hate that had piled up and got buried is now resurfacing... ugh or i can dig a deeper hole. hmm thats a plan made in heaven.
its not easy dealing with anger 4 me.
its like all that toxic waste, they dont know where to dump it, therefore they are just letting it pile up somewhere, nobody knows where- yeah well it something like that w me.
i dunno who i am. and i need to know who i am. because if i dont then i ...
i remember when my aunt died ( she was so oo like a mother to me seeing as i do not get along w this heinous bitch, agh) yeah welll... all e time she was sick (she had cancer), i never cried, i only went to see her once or twice, i used to joke around with her a lot- she promised to go watch a movie w me as soon as she got out... but she never got out.
it was e day before she died that i went to go and see her, but she was so sick, so thin, so weak, i couldnt even look at her- it was hard to smile and show love, i was afraid to touch her lest it'd cause her more pain- she couldnt breathe-
i only stayed there for 10 mins- i couldnt take it anymore- i never cried- i never thought about it.
i refused to go see her in e evenin and e followin day she died- she stopped existing- she gave in- it killed her.
i never cried when i heard it. i never cried when i was alone- in fact i had no comment- but i felt something- it was warm-
the following day everybody was at my grandmother's house - and the coffin was in e lounge- everyone was crying, wailing, screaming, my mother was red, my other aunt's bp went up so high she had to lie down for e whole morning, my other aunt was on e plane in tears of course, hurryin back to zimbabwe from e uk, my other aunt - the deceased's twin couldnt come, but was in pain- i was numb.
everyone was running around reacting and i was just seated, looking, watching.
a little later we all went to the anglican church ( which was my aunt's church-her name was christine by e way)
the service went on, the w the priest shouting and sweating -showing passion, everybody sniffling- i was recording the whole service etc- numb.
finally it was 'body-viewing' time as everyone exited e church, all saying their last goodbyes to my aunt christine dressed in blue and white, looking ever so peaceful-rested-not screwing up her face in pain- i saw it all through the lens of the camera as i recorded on.
it was when most people had left, i stayed fixed on the inanimate body with the camera glued to my face, and it was only that it hit me- she was gone, like dead-gone, a part of me all along had felt like she was gonna wake up, like she was gonna be okay and we could finally go watch that movie together- but she was gone. still staring at her body i began to shiver, the warm feeling in my heart that had affected me when she passed away turned hotter and hotter til it began to burn, and i started shaking and shivering as i fell to the floor-
tears racing each other down my face onto the camera, i couldnt breathe, i couldnt see, i didnt wanna see, i didnt wanna see anymore, my dad and my uncle came running as they tried to pick me up- telling me it was okay, but i kept shivering and crying, til they had to carry me to the car and stuff me in the back seat- my mom came and tried to 'cry w me' or tell me its gonna be okay, but she didnt understand what i had lost- i lost her ,christine, my friend,my mother.. i couldnt stop crying.
life is tragic, ah and that was round about the time that my girlfriend had left me and hooked up with some random guy- i didnt know what to do- i fell into a deeeeep depression- it was one cut after another, the world was looking to slice me open- i stopped eating that week- i couldnt taste anything-
i couldnt taste anythign for a long while.
i miss her, my mother.
i miss being hugged, she used to hug me a lot, and really tight even when she was sick sick sick. fuck it why her?
ah the world is looking to slice me open.
uh, i dunno how i feel now-
i dunno who i am.
i'm sick and tired of this woman (biological mother, apparently), that i live with, shouting at me everyday- reminding me of how inadequate i am, telling me that i am unable to feel, criticising and scrutinizin my every move-
well my aunt/mother used to love me.
she wanted me.
she never got mad with me.
she was in fact crazy about me.
i knew who i was- or at least she did-
she would sacrifice anything for me as if she was the one who had given birth to me.. i wish she was...
no then this would hurt more..
oh fuck it, could it possibly?
now i got so much more to be insecure about. i dunno who i am
i dunno where i'm going
i dunno where i am..
god get me out of this house- this woman is killing me, reminding me of how much i miss my aunt, ah yikes, this woman, this woman- bitch.
pressure pressure pressure
i'm under so much pressure to perform-
ah but fuck where do i start?
what is this feeling?