This is my Last Day

Lit From Inside's picture

Every day I am who I am, I am who I try to be, am who other people see me to be. I get so sick of it. In THE AGE OF RESON, Jean-paul Sartre says something along the lines of, if a misfit is proud of his status as such, then he's doomed, basically. Sartre says that if people don't comply to the norm, they shouldn't be proud of who they are. I love a lot of Sartre's points, but upon finishing THE AGE OF REASON, I was completely depressed. Ah, well.
So, I'm bi. That much I know for sure. Now I'm just confused; all of my straight friends are freaked out when I start talking queer, and my queer friend looks the other way when I'm acting straight. I don't fit in either world, and this is hard for a girl who never fit in, even without the bi factor. The lesbian girls who I know all look at me weird when I put on makeup and dresses and stuff, but I'm not all butch, like they are (not saying all lesbians are butch), that isn't me. I'm just confused, and not really fitting in...don't know what to do. Just being myself isn't going to help anyone, because that's what I've been doing all along, and I'm finding it really muchly hard to be friends with anyone acting the way that I do. I don't blame my buds at all, I know they love me, I just need them to understand parts of me that they avoid, and I don't know how to make them do this. Advice needed liked grass needs water, but who's asking?
To the girl I'm going to love one day: please find me, I'm looking for you so hard, and I can't find you anywhere. I want to go to the park and pretend to be British with you, so that we can freak out all my neighbors, I want to sit on the bus and read philosophy, go to art museums in the coolest clothes we can find, go to concerts and mosh until we fall down dead, be happy and be beautiful. Find me, it won't be hard, I'm right there looking for you.

Comments

armadillo's picture

Welcome !

Glad you made it here! It's a great place to open up and be there for others who might not need your horrible advice, but at least they read it. (not intending to say that yours is horrible advice - I was talking about mine in a rhetorical way)
Anyway, I can see that you're confused about being yourself. Stop! I know it's cliche, but the only person you can be is you. You can act brittish, but in the end, you're still you (although it is fun!). You can act gay/straight/bi/trans but still, you're you. You need to stop labeling people and yourself, to fully appreciate who they are, as well as yourself. Easier said than done - I know. However, I believe that we're here on this earth to love...who? everyone we can love and in all the ways that seem necessary. (different strokes for different folks)
So there you have my two cents.

Lit From Inside's picture

Reply.

I know I should avoid labels, and believe me, I try extra-super hard, but they're everywhere, just floating in the air. Makes it kind of difficult not to start throwing them around myself. This post was my utter confusion, expect more of it, lots more. (Was I acting British? Wasn't aware of it)

Darkest Dream's picture

Hey

You know,
I have a girlfriend, and i am a girl, and both of us aren't butch. She is a real lesbian, and i'm a bi/lesbi...

So you see, not every lesbian dreses masculinely... and you have to be fine with it ^^.
You can be how you want. Your life is in your hands.
--------
A Open Heart that never Lies

stewie's picture

i am bi and i act a straight.

i am bi and i act a straight... all masculine and shit.
i like being a dude.when i see faggy guys and i know they are
attracted to me , i act extra masculine and i swear they get
soo excited! bi, straight , gay, lesbian , transgendered...
you really are who you are, as long as you are true to yourself,
you should be okay...i kinda like feminine guys anyways.
it's easy to take charge with them! as far as acting feminine,
i really don't ever see myself acting or being that way-
the whole crooked neck , limp wrist and two snaps and
all that shit. it's just not me.nothing wrong with it.
i love lipstick lesbians, they are sooooooooo
hot.alot of them are. for some odd reason , i think lesbians
and bi girls are 1000% hotter then straight girls , even if the
straight girl is super hot.they just don't do anything for me.
i think it's cool because i can still hang out and feel like one
of the guys and still somewhat fit in..until i look at one
of their crotches when i am drunk and winde up blowing
five of my best friends..how embarassing! oops!

imconfused's picture

me too

im bi and i act straight too. i am not out to anyone except on here. so even if i wanted to act all fem, i wouldnt because the everyone would know. i am really attracted to mor feminine guys anyway. i like them alot more than big tough guys. oh well. i wish that i were one of your best friends....lol

~the confused teen, zach~

stewie's picture

i connect more with straight

i connect more with straight guys on an emotional level.
eventhough i do feel attractions to them , it feels more
brotherly then sexual.i respect them if they are straight, it's who they are right? imagine a female friend that always kept coming on
to you ,and you really did't like it- annoying isn't it?
feminine guys with pretty boy faces
and tight tone bodies always attracts me. they seem to look up to me
and some even try to mimic me and the way i act.
it's kinda weird but cool. i guess all they needed was another
guy to reconize that they are guys also and not such feminine
lil sissy bitches.JK! seriouslly though , i'd stand up for one
any day if they were getting picked on.

Lilymuffin's picture

haha wow you have the best ideas ever

all i can say is ur future gf will have hella fun, u have the most random genius ideas. Pure brilliance.

"Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual...you just go with the flow"- Shane

Lit From Inside's picture

Like your quote

Thank You. Cheers.