Every day I am who I am, I am who I try to be, am who other people see me to be. I get so sick of it. In THE AGE OF RESON, Jean-paul Sartre says something along the lines of, if a misfit is proud of his status as such, then he's doomed, basically. Sartre says that if people don't comply to the norm, they shouldn't be proud of who they are. I love a lot of Sartre's points, but upon finishing THE AGE OF REASON, I was completely depressed. Ah, well.
So, I'm bi. That much I know for sure. Now I'm just confused; all of my straight friends are freaked out when I start talking queer, and my queer friend looks the other way when I'm acting straight. I don't fit in either world, and this is hard for a girl who never fit in, even without the bi factor. The lesbian girls who I know all look at me weird when I put on makeup and dresses and stuff, but I'm not all butch, like they are (not saying all lesbians are butch), that isn't me. I'm just confused, and not really fitting in...don't know what to do. Just being myself isn't going to help anyone, because that's what I've been doing all along, and I'm finding it really muchly hard to be friends with anyone acting the way that I do. I don't blame my buds at all, I know they love me, I just need them to understand parts of me that they avoid, and I don't know how to make them do this. Advice needed liked grass needs water, but who's asking?
To the girl I'm going to love one day: please find me, I'm looking for you so hard, and I can't find you anywhere. I want to go to the park and pretend to be British with you, so that we can freak out all my neighbors, I want to sit on the bus and read philosophy, go to art museums in the coolest clothes we can find, go to concerts and mosh until we fall down dead, be happy and be beautiful. Find me, it won't be hard, I'm right there looking for you.