War and porn in my family

Paladin's picture

Again, it's been a while since I posted. Again, exams. I've decided to be a little less restrained when it comes to talking about the flaws of my family, even though I worry that it's a sign I'm becoming like them. Anyway, please bear with me on this post as the most important stuff is at the end.

I: My war

Tonight my brother and I got into a fight. I was reading a nice story about two gay guys, when he came into the room and said he needed to use the computer. I was fast enough to switch windows in time. I said that he could use it in twenty minutes. He said that wasn't good enough becuase he wanted to be able to sleep and that with his lousy schedule as a doctor in his first year, I should be letting him use it. I insisted that I needed to get some things sorted out.

Then he put his hand by the computer switch and threatened to turn it off. Anyway we almost got into a fight about it, about twenty minutes of computer time, but it was more just a verbal battle more than anything else. He started behaving in a was that I'm ashamed of in an attempt to get rid of me. I'm not going to go into specifics because it simply is embaressing when a guy in his mid-twenties behaves like that.

Eventually, our mother came down and told us both to leave the room, so that she would mediate the conflict. She ended up siding with my brother. As they both went back into the room, I went ahead of them, and started complaining again. So my mother went to the socket on the wall and switched off the computer there. She accused me of hiding some pornography, pronuncing the word like she was physically removing it from her mouth. I guess it's partly true (and I don't mean that she was removing it from her mouth!), considering the story wasn't for toddlers (mind you, the focus wasn't on sex), but it's occured to me that even if it was, I'm 18 now.

Then I said that I hated them both. My mother said that she knew, but she seemed hurt. My brother said that I was selfish for not wanting to let him use the computer, when I'd been using it all day (this is true). Actually, I am selfish about it, and I don't care. I don't care if he does or does not get to use it. The only reason I don't act completely unreasonably is that I know that we need to get along to some extent.

My mother went upstairs, leaving my brother and I to trade insults. He said that I was a social failure, something I doubt. I called him an academic, intellectual and ethical failure. He failed his first year studying medicine, knows nothing about politics (unlike me), and recently didn't give a patient in the ER painkillers because he thought it would help the idiot, psychologically. I talked to a friend of mine who's aspiring to be a doctor and he said that he could lose his medical license for things less than that.

II: Reconstruction, or lack thereof

My mother came down later and asked if I'd like anything to drink. I said no. For some reason, then she tried to feel my forehead to see if I had a fever. I refused to let her get her hands on me, simply because I couldn't stand her presence. I've decided to show my annoyance I won't talk to her for a few days. It occured to just how bad my family (and I) are at limiting the damage. For instance, on top of this, my dad will likely get pissed at me in a few days for not talking to my mother. It's a constant battle of one-up-manship - who will cut the most ties? Me, obviously. And they'll wonder why I don't care much for them. It's these vicious cycles, piling up bad feelings between me and them. Maybe we'd get along better if my parents hadn't set the example when we were younger of not being completely open with one another, or if I wasn't so stubborn, or if I didn't have slightly autistic tendencies. It doesn't matter anyway. Shit happens - that's the best philosophy in life sometimes.

I consciously try not to dwell on bad thoughts, as I'm bad enough at doing so as it is, so I watched Bruce Almighty once she was gone. It was an okay movie for me, the atheist. I've been watching lots of gay-themed movies this past month or two.

III: The really complicated stuff

The details of this are a little sketchy, but I'm sure of what I saw, in principle. So anyway, at least five years ago, I came acorss some gay porn on my computer. And it wasn't mine. Out of no where popped up an image of a guy screwing another. I knew a bit about my computer, and I suspect that it was something that my brother had tried to load but had been really slow. I remember I had already started looking through the internet on it, but I was sure that this was not done by me. My brother had been using the computer beforehand. I closed it, deleted it, and spoke nothing of it. Anyway, some days/weeks/months later, I found gay stuff in the history that wasn't mine, a few times, and I deleted it again.

Later again, there was some porn dialler, on the desktop. On opening, you clearly saw some woman's breast, but to go any further, you needed a password. It had to have been him. He's since cleaned up his act, but a few months ago I looked in his folder, and found several pictures of Orlando Bloom, including one shirtless. You might think that my coming out cleared the closet door for him. Well, maybe that will be true when my parents accept my sexuality. Anyway, even he doesn't know I'm gay yet. He's the only one in my family who doesn't, and I don't care for things to change.

If he is gay/bi, he's not out to anyone yet. I have only told one friend of mine about this. I haven't confronted my brother with this. I don't intend to. I hate the bastard, and yet I can't help but feel sorry for him for being so pathetic. A few days ago he asked me why masochists would want to feel pain. He wanted to know facts, rather than discuss it, since it simply baffled him as to why they would, and it never occurs to him that things might not always be so bloody simple.

If he was just experimenting with the porn, and is really straight, which may be the case, then well good for him. Otherwise, I don't want to think about what a mess he is. One of his friends I suspect is gay, but only based on the way he dresses and moves his hands.

IV:

Anyway, here I am, using the computer after they've all gone to sleep. It happens so often because I like the time I can have alone, with no one else in the house awake. The truth is, there was once a time a few years back when I decided after university I would never talk to my parents again. I've since changed my mind on that, but tonight I promised my brother that this would be his fate. Will I go through with it? We shall see what we're like in four years time, but it's not looking good.

Comments

Darkest Dream's picture

Oh my

Seems like lots of stuff is going around you. I hope your brother will admit hewatched porn and that you 2 could talk about sexuality more easily... but what the hell do i know about brother/brother ( or sister ) relationships? I just wish you the best !
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They Call Me the Punky Styled

Eegriaga's picture

Good Luck!

Wow, It seems like I say that my family's annoying, but them seem so quick to blame you for everything
I hope things come off easy, and that hopefully someday you wont have to live with that. Well, for now, try your best to stay out of there way. Someday you'll come back and be the Alpha.

Good Luck!