Affection/Intimacy problem...?

msd1's picture

I recently just started dating a new guy a few weeks ago. He has been nothing but a gentleman towards me. We get along really well and we both have a lot in common. I believe we both mutually enjoy each others company.

Anyways, the last time we went out, the date ended with a good hug. I am very straight, but I have a serious problem with getting physically close to MEN. I don't know what to do about it or how to go about addressing this problem I have. In my past, I've dated very few people. I'm 21. When I did date them, I got physically close to ONE guy and I just started shaking really bad and I got scared! I felt my anxiety level go up. The last guy I dated, I wouldn't even let him touch me. When he approached me for physical contact, I pushed him way and avoided him at all costs. I really don't want that to happen with the guy I am currently dating because I really like him, but I am afraid of what may happen if he tries to approach me in a sexual manner the next time I see him or the time after that. (whether it be a kiss or two or possibly for anything more) A part of me wants to say something to him because I don't want to push him away, but I don't want to tell him because I don't want it to scare him off where he won't want to deal with this sort of thing. I hope this makes sense.

When I was younger, I was sexually abused. I guess you can say I've kept it repressed and never really delt with it. I know that plays a part of why I won't get physically close or emotionally close. I just don't know where or how to address it with myself and the current guy I'm dating incase he is anticipating on getting physically close with me soon.

So, if anyone has any advice, it's very welcome. I could use any insight.

Paladin's picture


Maybe you still need to get over your past before you can begin to think about getting physically close to another guy. Have you talked to a counsellor?

It's also possible that you might never be able to get physically close to someone else ever again, in which case I guess you'd be considered asexual. Of course, understandably, you still have emotional needs which need to be satisfied.

You have to tell this guy sooner or later, and if he means something to you then you owe it to him to be up front about what you can offer now and what you may never be able to offer. At best, he'll be more patient in giving time for you to trust him (if that's what's needed). At worst, you'll lose a guy you couldn't have had anyway, since you couldn't be physically intimate with him.