After, and more, coming out; my crush again

Paladin's picture

I: Post-coming out

I've found that coming out properly involves more than just saying "I like guys", or words to that effect. For a while, I've been hiding who I actually have crushes on, even though I've made it clear that it's a guy, as though there is something improper about it. But now I have told three people of the guy who I crush on most. And now ten people know I'm gay.

My friend who I came out to first (I'll call him B) said that when I come out to the others they will feel betrayed. I have no idea what the right thing to do would be if a friend of mine felt betrayed by me like this, and I certainly don't know of any reasonable steps I could take to avoid this.

II: Another coming out?

(B: knows I'm gay)
(H: didn't know)

Saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith with two friends of mine. As an action movie, it was well-done, but nothing revolutionary. Then I hung out with my friends, just talking in the car. H, who didn't know I was gay, was talking about how he wanted to collect flowers to decorate the house. H is straight, believe it or not.

Anyway, H suggested that the three of us play Truth-dare. It was clear from the beginning that dares were out; they weren't the dare-devil type. We took turns, and it so happened that H asked who I was most interested in having a relationship with at the moment.

B didn't seem very happy with the question either because he knew that I was supposed to be keeping it a secret or because he thought I didn't want to answer honestly. I decided that I really didn't have anything to lose, so I said my crush's name, [[EDIT:CRUSH'S NAME REMOVED]] (I referred to him in previous posts as Jake, but no, his name is actually D). We saw D earlier that evening because he was also at the snooker centre. H seemed surprised about my crush. Maybe it flew right over his head, since he didn't say anything to confirm it. I know him well enough to know that he wasn't trying to get me to shut up about it.

Later, H asked me who I would most like to have sex with at the moment. B tried to make it seem like that wasn't a question worth asking since I had answered it before, but I answered anyway. I said that it was D. There was less reaction to this. Eager to make sure that I had done a reasonably good job of coming out, I put forth a question on who was the hottest guy in our year. H agreed with me on D. B gave another crush of mine as an answer (not nearly as great a crush as D though!).

My dad called me and asked me when I was coming home. Not thinking, I said shortly after 11, even though it was 11pm at the time. I didn't want to go home that early so I turned off my phone. We talked some more and I turned it back on at 1am. Half an hour later my dad called and angrily told me to come home. I did.

III: Intoxicated fantasies

Yesterday I met several friends of mine, including H and B, at my school's food and fun fair. We had some good fun, playing some of the games and pretending we were really scared of the "haunted house", which was just a dark room with ghostly sixth-formers in it.

Last night my parents insisted I join them for an eight-course dinner which the governor attended. In the car on the way there my dad said that he was setting it as a challenge for me to not be bored. My parents think I should learn to pretend to be interested in small-talk with people three times my age. The dinner was good, and there was lots of wine to go around. Waiters kept on offering to fill up my cup with Chinese tea, my glass with fruit juice and my wine-glass with red, white, and then red again. I estimate I had eight glasses of wine over four hours, which comes out to drinking twice as quickly as is responsible. My parents, on the same table, did nothing to stop me.

I didn't get bored, or drunk, just a little tipsy. As the wonders of alcohol allow, I just kept on thinking about D. I imagined that he was sitting on my lap facing me and sitting in the chair beside me (I only did this when it was empty). I went out of the room several times just to sit in the lobby and fantasise some more. I remembered my recent holiday when I was sitting out on my chalet's balcony and I saw him come out onto his balcony clad only in boxers and straight from the shower. I was thinking about him when I was at home in bed, before I went to sleep. I hope, unreasonably, that I will end up in the same bed with him before I go. If I can't have him then, I hope that I will find it easy to get over him.