I hate you, I hate you, I love you.

Barium's picture

For the record I never did find the letter. Actually I just decided to let fate take course and see what happens. Ironically my friend never gave her the letter... I was disappointed but I guess it was for the best because honestly I wanted to make Sarah miserable. Horrible but I won't lie to you. She betrayed me and lied to me through out our whole "friendship" thing. Like I said, she didn't need to lie to me about that guy... or moving away or anything. Personally I am hurt but I enjoy watching her be miserable because I have had many broken hearts so I know what it's like but she hasn't had any so it must really hurt. My friend said that she was ready to be friends again. He told me she was heart broken. And I just said "GOOD!". Of course I don't really mean it... Because I'm miserable too. I miss being able to talk to her and I hate how I got so angry and I hate how something so wonderful turned so sour but I don't regret the things I said. I just need to find a good way to make ammends... I just need time to get over it.
I ran into her in the halls today and we managed to not even make eye contact or even say sorry. And then I was walking around the halls when classes were on and I saw her carrying her soccer bag so I pretended to look at an art exhibit as she passed by but really I watched her reflection and walked behind her because I was going to my locker. This is going to sound odd but she turned around so I ducked into a doorway to hide... I just really don't want to confront her right now. I am sooo lost and I need advice. I wish that things could magically go back to what they used to be but they can't. I wish we had had a relationship but we can't because I don't trust her. She probably doesn't trust me either. *sigh...
I want to write the perfect note or poem or whatever but it's like, since my heart is broken I can't portray emotions righ anymore... My logic is just torn apart and it used to be that my heart would whisper emotions to my brain and my brain would translate the whispers into words that made actual sense and without the logical connection my hearts words cannot be translated. Most things come out as Hate letters... Like Don't talk to me, Go away because I care... There like "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I love you..." . They send very mixed messages. But they are beautiful. Yeah, I'm completely lost...

Comments

Darkest Dream's picture

I want to help but...

i really want to help you, kay? But i don't think i can.

I don't think she's worth all these efforts and the love youstill have for her. If she betrayed you and lied...

The first thing You have to find out is if you wanna keep her or not.
And then, if she doesn't walk on her pride to say i'm sorry, do you have to do it for her or not?

Honestly, i think you can find other friends that could be better with you than her. go over some people and try not to think about her. If she comes to apology, consider her.

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A Open Heart that never Lies