Miss Fake

aviva's picture

I'm having a bit of trouble at school and my parents were called in to talk about how I'm failing everything. Sigh.

Anyway, they think I'm depressed and have lost my enthusiam to live.... well, it's kinda true coz I'm coming out and the way people are reacting is a bitch. Hypocrits. Sorry, I just like that word. So these "friends" of mine saw my mum and dad come to school to talk to the deputy head and my teachers and they all thought that they were punishing me about my "filth". Quote unquote. Hmmm... silly sanctimonious christians. They talk to me like it's all lekker and then they'll be laughing behind my back, all laughing in "code", like today in the library when they were obviously talking about me and kept cracking gay jokes.

It's cool, I don't care. It's just that these people claim to be my friends but they don't have my back, and I can't keep on accusing my best friend of gossiping about me and laughing at me, coz even if it is true, I must just get the hint that she's just NOT MY BESTFRIEND/FRIEND EVEN.

Just feel quite isolated. The only people I can talk to and know they're not bitching are my girlfriend, her friend Bond007, and my other crazy paranoied friend. Even though it's harder being out, I'm glad I"m being honest - coz now I know them. Snakes. And I know what they really think of me. How dare someone say "yeah good! let them be punished for their filth"?! Wtf!!! I'm not going through this again, but they have NO right god damnit! I don't walk around calling them repressed, outdated, sanctimonius pharisees - well, not to their faces.

It's so weird, but things like this anger me, yeah, but they make me realise how much I love her, and how happy I am that I made this life-choice. You know, just the choice to be honest.

What really scares me now is that I could have lived my life TRYING to be straight. And I would've done it damn it! I would've married and had the kids and the mortgage and the lifestyle. I would've taken the kids to church every week and sat in the front row... and even worse - Iwould've BELIEVED all of that tish. And I would've also grown to despise homosexuals. Then one day when I was cleaning my stupid shiny house, I'd have offed myself like that woman in desperate housewives. No warning - just like that. Or at the very least, I would've had a mantal breakdown from the agony of knowing I'd lost myself - a part of me that made the rest of me complete. I dunno... I just related to that Mary Alice character a lot. That would've been me in 30 years(still might be if I don't insist on being honest with myself)

Anyway... Little Miss Fake is getting edited. If there's one thing I know now - I don't wanna be like them : all those gay girls in the library making "eeew!" gay comments because they're too afraid of what people will think if they're just a little honest. Lord, you should see them performing! Gay as all fuck, yet they're silent when people are being homophobic about me or my girlfriend. Hippo-crits.

I'm not going to end up like that.

Comments

Emo Rachel's picture

I know how you feel

I came out and I saw who my true friends were. I had tried to be straightbut it just wasn't working. I fought with myself for over a year and recently I have accepted who I am. I'm so much happoer and I now know people who like me for the true me.

tastetherainbow's picture

it never happened to me like that...

for some reason, when i came out, EVERYONE wanted to be my friend... i dunno what is up with the new craze, but suddenly beinq qay is "in". people in my school want to have more qay friends and i just so happened to be one of them... *qreat job*

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." - Robin Tyler
-boiiz...[beatriz]...smell-

bibibutterfly's picture

I say "go you!" it takes str

I say "go you!" it takes strength to know who you are and even more to be honest about it, and you have incredible insight to know, even as you are going through the pain and shit and aftermath of coming out, that you made the right choice and further more WHY you made the right choice. You go girl!!

oh, and on a rather random side note, how can you tell that the girls are gay? My gay-dar is practically non-existant and extends only to hyper-flamboyant queens.

the world turns beneath my feet,
and only my breath is still,
in the living night.

unknowndestiny's picture

Wow

The way you're dealing with the situation is pretty amazing. I probably would have had a massive breakdown by now. Your very courageous to have had the guts to come out - I can't even do it and I know that my friends wouldn't take it that badly at all. Yes, I'm a huge coward. Anyways, I say keep it up, you've gotten this far so you must be a pretty strong person.