ah this is madness
i'm going crazy-
fuc it there's just so much going on
i need to press pause.... for a second.
thre's so much pressure coming in from all corners, shit.
pressure to perform- presssure to conform.
i cant get a moment to myself.
my phone keeps ringing.
my cousin keeps calling me up and complaining about a girl who doesnt love him - beggin me to make it work, to make her love him- but fuck it i cant- i love my cousin soo much- but i cant move mountains- and i sure as hell cant change a girl's heart for him. if i could i would but he keeps stressing me... whining.
my ex boyfriend, one country away keeps calling me, and texting me and calling me- checking up on me to see if i still love him, to see if i'm still gay, if its not just a phase, goddammit, its killing me. he thinks its all coz he isnt in the country, coz " i miss real dick", thats why i'm gay he says, so he's threatening to come back for the holidays ( in august/julyish) to sweep me off my feet, threatening to ride away with me into the sunset etc- to make me okay again. he thinks i'm doing all of this just coz i miss him or just to diss him so that his friends back here can laugh at him etc...
fuck i dont and didnt wanna hurt him
because i love him,
but not as a lover
simply as a boy i used to love,
i love him as a memory- a part of my past-
and it breaks my heart that it breaks his heart when i tell him "marcus, sweetness, i'm still gay... i was gay yesterday... and will be tommorro... i'm sorry, baby, i'm so sorry- i'm not doin this to hurt you"
fuck it he always makes it about himself-
why would i be gay just to hurt him
thats lame, evil and weird.
fuck it- he doesnt know me.
why wont he accept it?
all my ex flings, bf's and boys who had crushes on me just fukin wont accept that i'm gay- their response is 'what a waste'
and i'm thinkin what the fuck-
they dont know me 4 shit.
why the fuc must they judge me?
and put me under pressure.
i'm not trying to hurt anyone.
now they've turned this into some competition (kevo,kurt,brad,liam.. e crew that used to roll w my ex-boy)
to see who 'converts' me first,
who got e tightest game etc
what the fuck?
now i'm a game to them?
what the f?
my friends, well some of them, like my tight friend from way back i my high school life is not impressed with me being with another chick-
she is not impressed w my total lack of interest in her (the friend) - cos we kinda had a fling a little bit ago and it just got left hangin i guess etc- long story.
she talks to me yeah, laughs etc but the minute i leave shes bitching abt it 2 her equally loud mouthed homi w a bad fake tan.
my other friens are complainin that i dont give them enough time in my day etc, coz i'm always with her-
and then my girl also says that we dont spend enough time together( to which i agree) still even though i try to give her as much as i got-
my friends are not impressed-
everybody thinks that i aint giving them enough attention etc
but fuck it-
i'm stretched out to thin.
what the hell do i do..
ooh and i wont even start on the homework.
i cant cope
i'm not getting enough sleep.
i'm gonna throw away my phone-
this is some bullsh..