stretched out too thin

Tjedza's picture

ah this is madness
i'm going crazy-
fuc it there's just so much going on
i need to press pause.... for a second.

thre's so much pressure coming in from all corners, shit.
pressure to perform- presssure to conform.

i cant get a moment to myself.
my phone keeps ringing.
my cousin keeps calling me up and complaining about a girl who doesnt love him - beggin me to make it work, to make her love him- but fuck it i cant- i love my cousin soo much- but i cant move mountains- and i sure as hell cant change a girl's heart for him. if i could i would but he keeps stressing me... whining.

my ex boyfriend, one country away keeps calling me, and texting me and calling me- checking up on me to see if i still love him, to see if i'm still gay, if its not just a phase, goddammit, its killing me. he thinks its all coz he isnt in the country, coz " i miss real dick", thats why i'm gay he says, so he's threatening to come back for the holidays ( in august/julyish) to sweep me off my feet, threatening to ride away with me into the sunset etc- to make me okay again. he thinks i'm doing all of this just coz i miss him or just to diss him so that his friends back here can laugh at him etc...
fuck i dont and didnt wanna hurt him
because i love him,
but not as a lover
simply as a boy i used to love,
i love him as a memory- a part of my past-
and it breaks my heart that it breaks his heart when i tell him "marcus, sweetness, i'm still gay... i was gay yesterday... and will be tommorro... i'm sorry, baby, i'm so sorry- i'm not doin this to hurt you"
fuck it he always makes it about himself-
why would i be gay just to hurt him
thats lame, evil and weird.

fuck it- he doesnt know me.
why wont he accept it?

all my ex flings, bf's and boys who had crushes on me just fukin wont accept that i'm gay- their response is 'what a waste'
and i'm thinkin what the fuck-
they dont know me 4 shit.
why the fuc must they judge me?
and put me under pressure.
i'm not trying to hurt anyone.

now they've turned this into some competition (kevo,kurt,brad,liam.. e crew that used to roll w my ex-boy)
to see who 'converts' me first,
who got e tightest game etc
what the fuck?
now i'm a game to them?

what the f?

my friends, well some of them, like my tight friend from way back i my high school life is not impressed with me being with another chick-
she is not impressed w my total lack of interest in her (the friend) - cos we kinda had a fling a little bit ago and it just got left hangin i guess etc- long story.
she talks to me yeah, laughs etc but the minute i leave shes bitching abt it 2 her equally loud mouthed homi w a bad fake tan.

ugh wtf?

my other friens are complainin that i dont give them enough time in my day etc, coz i'm always with her-
and then my girl also says that we dont spend enough time together( to which i agree) still even though i try to give her as much as i got-
my friends are not impressed-

everybody thinks that i aint giving them enough attention etc
but fuck it-
i'm stretched out to thin.

what the hell do i do..

ooh and i wont even start on the homework.
i cant cope
i'm not getting enough sleep.
i'm gonna throw away my phone-

ugh.

this is some bullsh..

Comments

aviva's picture

:(

I feel horrible for you!

Yeah, but you're a big girl now, so you have to realise it's not that dramatic - it's not that important. People only keep being annoying coz you give them attention, and that's when they realise you're not stroking their egos as much as you used to, and they start performing for you. They sound like little kids.

I didn't know you'd become Somalia. Since when did the whole world need to save you? Your cousin is a dif issue which you shouldn't have started getting involved with and soon it'll go away.

I realised something about the guys I dated and was sad about hurting - I was just, ultimately, a little toy for them, like a conquest. I was never REALLY in their longterm plans - but trust me I was made to feel like I was. (As every girl in the world is made to feel in a hetero relatnshp).

Um um... I'm going in a month, you can pay all the atttention you want to them (and your friends too) then. But they all sound like babies to me- when the hell did you become mother? People are so needy. Haha.. okay maybe I should cool it.

One important last thing: Are you SERIOUS about a future with your girlfriend? If so then I'm going to give you the same advice you gave her: Focus on what matters... Focus on what's gonna make you happy. Focus- it's the magic word. You two have come too far to let something like failing your A's ruin it for both of you.

If you look around this site people are under a lot of pressure in maore drastic ways: being kicked out of home, sent to camp etc...

Anyway, if you ever need to talk - that's what I'm there for.

Signed: I love you.