Musings

milee13's picture

Gaydar is stupid. I do not have the ability to tell if another human being is gay unless they are blatantly advertising it, or tell me as much.

My straight friend seems to think that she can tell if people are gay, which in my opinion is bullshit because even though I have told her that I am gay, she still seems to think that I'm going to marry a man and breed. I have no intention of doing either of those things and of all people I think that I am the most likely to know whether or not I am a homosexual or in possession of homosexual inclinations.

She attempted to tell me the other day that she thinks that her older sister's best friend is gay, lovely as that would be I sincerely doubt its validity. I, personally, think that it would be lovely if the girl in question were gay, but she's not.

If my friend were going off of actual evidence i would be more inclined to take her thoughts on the issue seriously, but she's not.

I asked her, during this same little conversation, as we were musing on whther or not we knew anyone else that might possibly be gay, if she thought that maybe one of our other friends might be gay, and she told me no, and refused to hear my reasoning behind the idea. Because of course, I would have no idea how people who are severely closeted or in denial have a tendency to behave....

When I was still in denial, much to my own disgust, I did profess to crushing on guys, but it was false and manufactured. I wanted to fit in and I didn't understand why I didn't flip out over guys like my peers, so I made myself do it by becoming a bit obssessive about the concept and then fixated that obssessiveness on some poor defenseless, unaware boy-creature. (No I was not a creepy stalker and no I did not go about telling any of these boys or acting like a psychopath.) Sadly enough the only person that I ever even talked about these "crushes" to were this friend, and only because she was the one who pressured me into the whole thing and wouldn't take no for an answer. I was only like thriteen at the time and I only even fabricated these around two guys, neither of which I have any contact with at this point.

This mutual friend of ours is obssessive about a guy, and has been for a while...I just kind of wonder how authentic her feelings for him are and whether or not since he(the guy she likes) is such a good friend she hasn't just latched onto the nearest male specimen.

Obviously I am probably completely wrong about my whole theory, and I did not mention any of my reasonings behind my suggestion to my other friend as she would have just scoffed at me, but I had been wondering for a while.

This all came off as very rambly, but i'm trying to sort through these stray thoughts.

Also I hate having feelings for people that I know don't reciprocate them, and I hate having to try and explain that to my friend who doesn't seem to understand that liking people basically just sucks right now and is a more painful and irritating experience than anything else...why can't everyone just be gay amd the human race survive through artificial insemmination? That sounds just as bad as the homophobes who want to know why everyone isn't just straight and running around breeding and not using birth control or practicing safe sex....

Gah i am so freaking out of it right now.....

Comments

HotPinkFlames's picture

*hugs*

deep breath hun. try yoga or meditating

"first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win"---Ghandi