She's taking her time thinking of the reasons to justifiy the hurt inside....

osh555's picture

Am I too influenced by other people? I don't mean 'hey! do this all! All the cool kids are' and i do it...I mean do I become too much like others? Last night my girlfriend pointed out that she worried about the fact that my road to personal growth started about the same time as when I met her...that I might be emulating her in someway because of that and then proceeded to encourage me to be my own person. This frankly infuriated me. Yes I do think I evovle to the pople around me but to be perfectly honest of one of those people who doesn't have the courage to do what she wants unless someone else says it's okay. Bad I know but it's kind of how I've always been. I grow and chanege and take things from others and evolve them into me. I AM a unique individual. Damn Twin-ness. I blame that and my father for all my personality fuck-ups. What am I saying? i am a personality fuck up.

You know how some people....alot of people when I think about....have a sort of focus? Something that seems to be the focus of their life....some goal or purpose or ability?...i lack that...my girlfriend wants to save the world...my sister has her screenplay...my friend has her photography...Some days I feel like a slept walk through the last 19 years of my existance. What's my focus? What motivates me? I suppose I could say being loved by others and loving them back.

I want to be loved and cared about and safe...if that so wrong?...why do I keep telling myself yes? I'm terified of being selfish....