I need to come out to my parents

Eegriaga's picture

I need to come out to my parents by october because Im going up to New York and I plan to meet Brandon there ^.^ hehe

So Im not sure how to... I've come up with multiple plans but I never seem to get it right... oi I need help! I know she'll accept it I'm just very afraid of talking about it! im in a dead lock and If I dont say it I'll have a price to pay :-/ so I need a plan and if you guys could help me I could do this by the time runs out ^.^.

Thanks,
Eegriaga

Ebony's picture

I myself have been trying to

I myself have been trying to come up with a way to tell my father...maybe you could lead into it from another conversation. For example, you could start talking about national issues or religion, and lead into how it upsets you that people try to tell other people how to live their lives, such as people who say that being gay is wrong. Then go on to ask her for her views on the subject, and then slip the fact that you're gay into the conversation.

However you choose to do it, good luck, and I hope it all works out!

toblerone's picture

What people normally find is

What people normally find is that the plans (no mater how carefully planned) don't always work.

So you might as well do a plan, but don't stick to it religiously. What I'm trying to say is that, you should follow where the wind blows you, if you find a good chance to tell them, don't miss it!

But then again, who am I to speak? I haven't even told my parents yet... ;)

aphrodite22's picture

Hey! I think it's really gre

Hey! I think it's really great that you want to come out to your parents. First of all, there's really no "right way" to do it. You just have to let it come from your heart. I have actually had several friends say "Mom, Dad, I'm gay," and gotten the response, "We know." One of my friends mothers actually said "Honey, I'm old, not stupid." Everyone dreads coming out to their parents, but in the end it will be a wonderful thing to get that burden off of your chest. So good luck! I hope everything goes wonderfully for you. When you do it, be sure to let us all know how it went!

elraye's picture

Fear of the Unknown

Your greatest fear is not knowing if you will be rejected. When you love those nearest you, the one's who have given you warmth, care, and love; the last thing you want to do is hurt them. So the strategy might be one that goes like this:

"I want you to know that you are the most important people in my life. Without your help and love I would not have become what I am today. There are some things, though, that neither of us have any control over. Some may be considered good and others quite the opposite. Those things which are considered good warm our hearts and bring us closer together. The others give us pause for concern and require more understanding. I would like to discuss a topic that has caused me a great deal of concern because I believe that it will in some ways it may hurt you and that is the last thing I want to do.

One of the things that neither of us has any control over is sexuality. I BELIEVE that I am Gay. For xxx number of (year, months) this issue has been on my mind and I need to talk it over with those who can help me the most."

Note that the door is left open for discussion. You have given your parents an opportunity to discuss the issue. Once the discussion begins you can contribute your feelings and concerns in a positive way. Your parents will also have an opportunity to voice their opinion. The key phrase is " I believe I am gay." Not I AM gay.

Do you think this approach might work?

ele

Daisy's picture

Hmm...

While this approach seems to me to be pretty much the perfect way to open a constructive dialogue with your parents, it seems like an odd way to come out.

All I'm saying is: don't tell them you're concerned and looking for help unless you are. This gives them permission to not only object, but to suggest ways to actively work against your being gay.

This isn't some intellectual puzzle you want to solve with their guidance; it's a fundamental part of who you are that you want to share with them

I hope I haven't offended you or anything, elraye; I have a lot of respect for you and your approach to things. But unless someone really is willing to debate their sexuality and even try to change or compromise it, I think coming out should be as simple and definitive as possible.

Did they love you or what?

elraye's picture

No offense taken

No offense taken - I am here, like you, to learn from the experience of others.

A person's sexuality is in a state of flux for a man from the time puberty begins until the hormones settle. It is not clear to me that most teen-agers come to a solid understanding of their sexuality until the end of puberty.

Even if the individual has a greater liking for the same sex than the opposite this does not necessarily make the person 100% gay. In fact only about 4% of men are 100% gay. Given the statistics, it might be safe to assume that taking a soft approach gives both parties an opportunity to explore the issue in a non-confrontational manner. It was my hope that by leaving the door open the both parties now have a chance to come to grips with the situation.

The head-on approach is declarative and sets the stage for "take-it-or-leave-it." I am not sure that the desired outcome will take less time. My personal experience was the head-on approach. My mother reluctantly accepted the situation. My father went ballistic and did the total rejection routine, "No son of mine."

Thinking back on that experience,it was my hope that another approach might provide each side a chance to negotiate understanding.

It was never my intent for the young man to compromise his position. Only to begin the dialog in a way that fostered communication.

What do you think?

ele

Daisy's picture

Thanks for explaining: it mak

Thanks for explaining: it makes more sense to me when put that way.

You're right, of course, that most teenagers don't have a solid understanding of their sexuality, and that somebody who identifies as gay may not end up being %100 gay.

I don't think most people should come out to their parents until they have really examined their sexuality and, though perhaps one can never be completely certain, have drawn the conclusion that they are functionally homosexual (or bisexual, as the case may be). Meaning: although they may harbor some latent attraction to the opposite sex, they have no interest in pusuing a relationship with a person of that gender in the foreseeable future.

You're right, though, that one should be willing to have a discussion, not just declare themselves and leave it at that. But I think that it is also important to approach the topic having already worked out your side of the issue: you're gay (for now, and, as far as you can tell, forever), you've come to terms with that, and now you're ready to be answer their questions and help them come to terms with it, too. You're sharing yourself and offering your assistance, not asking for theirs.

I think we're pretty much getting at the same thing, here, just emphasizing different parts of it.

Did they love you or what?

elraye's picture

Parental love

First, I would like to address the topic of negotiation. Your comment about knowing and being able to address all or as many of the issues as you can is a good first step. May I suggest that there are a few others that WILL help. They can be found in a the books titled " Getting to Yes" and "Getting Passed No." They are very easy reading and provide the reader with a powerful set of guidelines.

Second, "Did they love you?" The answer is an unqualified YES. They were disappointed as a result of their upbringing and learned codes of conduct. My father in particular took my being gay personally. He was of the opinion "that the apple falls nearest to the tree." In other words, he saw my "gayness" as being a reflection of his sexuality. This hurt him deeply as he was as much a heterosexual as any man could be. While my father hated the thought of my being gay our compassion, love, and mutual respect for each other never waned.

If I had been armed with the wisdom available today about homosexuality our discussion of the topic might have been more positive and understanding. This is not to say that he would have totally agreed with all the issues but he would not have gone ballistic. My father is rational, strong, determined, and very old Russian authoritarian ("Do it my way", "There is only black and white"). My father rarely saw gray but he was always fair to the extent his understanding would allow. Given a sound rational argument he would concede and if not totally agree, he would remain neutral on the subject.

ele

jeff's picture

Umm...

Maybe this is covered in an earlier entry, but I'm confused by the necessity (although, I'm all for coming out even if there is none).

You need to come out because they will ask why you're going to NY? Or, they are going with you and you need to wonder why you're meeting someone?

Guess it doesn't matter. You have a deadline for whatever reason.

So, I think you need to tell them ASAP, rather than two days before you go to meet some boy they never heard of all the way up in NY. They're going to need some time to adjust to the news, you being gay, without the burden of thinking of some boy in NY potentially waiting to defile you within the same week.

There is no universal how. I mean, you've known these people since you were born, so really, any advice we give will ring potentially false anyway. In fact, most of the time, asking for advice like this is just one more ring in the procrastination cycle. It gives you the sense you are actually doing something other than stalling.

Nearly every time I've read on here of people soliciting this advice, planning everything, etc., it always ends up happening completely different or going way off track from what they planned.

The bottom line is you're gay, you're their son, and the most important thing is how you frame the news. You aren't asking for their permission. You aren't asking for their blessing. You are telling them because you want them to be involved with your real life, and not have to maintain a separate fake identity for them to love. Avoid anything like "I think I might..." and anything that will give them some useless shred of hope that you're not all about dick.

Also, keep in mind, you have had plenty of time to adapt to your faggotdom, whereas they may be clueless about it. So, they will need time to adjust and, during that time, you'll need to give them time to say dumb, often inappropriate, things. This is the time for you to be the mature one and not treat it like a normal son-parent argument. You need to step up to the plate and let them calm down and start thinking rationally.

This is also why you can't tell them two days before meeting Brandon. They won't be ready for you to be gay, let alone for there to be a Brandon.

Of course, if you tell them you have a friend named Brandon, that might make them suspicious and get the ball rolling. Are there really any straight people named Brandon?

ACCgirl's picture

Hmmm. Good point. I haven't m

Hmmm. Good point. I haven't met any.