I'M COMING OUT ( :..

Lost Angry Youth's picture

i just want to come out of the closet online...
boys..girls...i am proud to say....

that i am straight...

i know, i know. eventhough i do have sexual desires for
guys and i am indeed attracted to them.
i strongly feel as if my mind and heart belongs with a girl..
silly as it may sound but , i really don't see myself
being gay in the near future for some odd reason.
i just don't "feel" it... i seem to regard my feelings
on sexuality as merely sexual insecurity...no not about being gay,but in fact
about being straight. i am not confident in my hetrosexuality
because i don't feel i am confident in it just yet.
no matter how confident i am about getting girls, no
matter how convinced i am that i can get any girl i want,
no matter how many girls i sleep with or attract.
something inside me still dosen't feel right.
now some people know that they are gay,
me i have a nagging abusive voice in my mind like-
dude you are soo fucking gay!
fucking queer!
fucking fag!
dude you are soo queer!
all in a negative mocking context.

i am not fucking gay alright! geez!
thats what i feel like screaming at myself, no it's not
denial or doubt-it's me saying to myself , in order to
stop the negative belief!
out of sheer social stupidity and a complete lack
of any social skills
(dude i was such a douche!!
not to mention a poser!)
...i was called fag, queer the works...
i was teased , made fun of , chased with rocks and
fights...because everyone thought i was gay...
i rememeber being really shy and insecure as youth,
and not really fitting in...
looking back i realize that maybe they were just talking shit
and not really trying to attack my sexuality...oops!
i started to realise i was thinking thoughts like, dude
am i gay? is there something i don't see?
whats going on? so i became self-concious,
started to belive that i was gay, started to
question my attraction to makes, became homophobic even...
it did trigger alot of thoughts fantasies and desires though...
being a sexualluy precocious and experimentive child-
it was only natural that i became highly curious
of my own sex..
but in the end...
i always knew where my heart was and no matter what ,
my love, my heart my mind and my life would always
belong to a girl...
one of the most transforming years of my life
was when i was 18 when me and the love of my life
broke up, i was already becoming bi-curious at that time
in my life and i was experimenting in my sexuality.
when we broke up , i went full fledge into bisexuality it
acted like such a cushion for soo much heartache...
i was heartbroken and looking for pleasure anywhere i could
find it, since i had already made an intense connection
with love/sex i found it hard to be with girls
for a loooooooooonnngg time.
at the time bisexuality was a very right option.
now though, i feel as the gig is up and now i realize
that maybe this lifestyle is soon , very soon coming
to a close. why am i soo eager to put a close to
this chapter in my life?
i feel as if i do meet the right girl , i want to
give my all to her and only her and if i continue to
allow my attractions to males as well as other woman-
get in the way-
then i would'nt be able to be 100% , which she deserves..
unless she happens to be bisexual with a strict prefernce
for other girls( i am highly jealous, my girl is my girl!)

as many guys as i feel attraction for ..it usually mellows into
a strong friendship and the feelings transform themselves
naturally into a strong tie of comradery and companionship,
loyalty and brotherhood.i think it's because i am more
mature and more understanding of my emotions.

i really don't see myself in the future falling in love
or having any kind of real romantic connection with
another male...

elraye's picture

Moving ON

Ok.... Let's begin writing the next chapter.

ele

Lost Angry Youth's picture

hey it's HANNIBAL, always to

hey it's HANNIBAL, always to the rescue! you know
we need to stop meeting like this...people
might get the wrong idea(:
you're not stalking me now are you? <*blush*>
i knew you had it in for me!
but this is way too soon!
stop!

Paladin's picture

.

eventhough i do have sexual desires for
guys

Then you cannot be completely straight, by definition.

Dave

Lost Angry Youth's picture

true , but i "feel" i am more

true , but i "feel" i am more straight then anything else.
it's hard to explain,but if i were to call myself
bi- i still would'nt feel as if i completly could
relate to being bi. if i were to call myself gay,
i really could'nt take myself seriouslly!
it just sounds funny to call myself gay for some
reason , because to me it just dosen't fit me at all!
the only way i can describe the feeling is
like say i dress up in womans clothing and look in the mirror,
i would bust up laughing, it's just makes me feel silly
and want to laugh! now before i get flamed by the
entire fucking site, no being gay is not a joke-
all i am saying is that for me personally,
i don't really feel as if the term gay truly defines my
sexual idenity.
the thought of coming out to my parents as gay
makes me want to bust out laughing and say something
like..."c'mon! i am not gay! what the hell am i doing!"
then have a good chuckle and have a beer or two.
seriouslly!
on a side note-
honestly i like this site soo much because , i don't know
why..but it feels soo welcoming here.
i should've found this site years ago when i was
on the verge of death, suicide and drug abuse...you guys
would've saved me alot of grief!

Lost Angry Youth's picture

are you trying to define who

are you trying to define who i am as a person?!
i am insulted paldy!

Patch's picture

Sorry to disagree with you Paladin, but. . .

I have to agree with tyler on this one. Why must we blockade ourselves in with the stereotypical definitions of labels? Maybe Ty redifines heterosexuality. Have you heard about Kinsey? He backs us up too. Turns out, only a fraction of the people in the world are either totally gay or totally straight. I identify as a gay man, but I can still tell when a girl is pretty, and not to blow your mind, but, my freshman earth science teacher, she was HOT! She is like, the only female I ever fantasized about, and it added to my confusion at that age. Aaaaanyways, let Ty define himself.

"What is the purpose of life? It is to create our own purpose."

Lost Angry Youth's picture

he called me Ty...(:

he called me Ty...(:

Paladin's picture

I quote myself: Then you c

I quote myself:

Then you cannot be completely straight, by definition.

Kinsey is quite irrelevant. If he were completely straight, then he would not be attracted to guys. That doesn't mean he can't identify as straight, just not completely straight.

Dave

Lost Angry Youth's picture

i was just fucking with you

i was just fucking with you , i wasn't really
insulted-

i have soo many guy friends and there is a really
tight bond that we have and i swear there IS an element
of attraction that we don't verbalize or acknowledge
out front. it's a strong connection and it's beyond
words, it's a strong sense of comradery and connection.
not sexual but it IS an strong sense of attraction.
have you ever meet someone and there was an instant
attraction , you two were friends right from the start,
and since then you two were just really really tight?
i have had a gazillion guy friends and i haven't had
anything remotly sexual feelings about any of them.

yeah , yeah i know the fluff i talk like - sucking
fat cocks and being fucked and this and that, but in all
honestly it was all out of fun and just being stupid...

i think that attraction is genderless and a feeling that
anyone is capable of feeling for someone in spite of
sexual identity or gender.

i have witnessed it enough time to believe it is so.

milee13's picture

And that is why taunting usin

And that is why taunting using sexuality based insults is bad! They confuse people. From what I've gathered, though this site mainly caters to glbtq teens, it's pretty much welcoming to everyone, so do, stick around, i find you posts most intense and interesting.

And by the way it took me like two days of deja vu to remember what the name Tyler Durden was from, so thanks for the mental agony....

good luck.

The sun is shining out of my hands
it can burn, it can blind you
when it breaks out of the fists
it lays down hotly on your face
it lays down painfully on your chest
balance is lost
it lets you go hard to the floor
and the world counts loudly to ten

Lost Angry Youth's picture

i used to run home crying whe

i used to run home crying when they used to taunt me and call names,
it made REALLLLLLLLY ANGRY FOR A LLLLLOOONG TIME and i used to
infact feel the need to stand up to everyone that used the word
faggot etc, i got into alot of trouble because of it...
i learned how to use charm and humor to defuse the situations,
as well as other non-violent techniques.
as much as i come off as a violent assertive asshole goon,
i can play whatever role i choose...

err, tyler durden is actually my real name .
what are you getting at? (:'
two days of deja vu?
wow you are as bright as a two watt light bulb,
i feel flattered that i had been on your mind
for the past few days-
are you hitting on me?
because if you are..are you a chick? you DID read my thread didn't
you?

princessgavvie's picture

oh

I'm straight too. Just didn't want to say it, because of the fact that the site is for glbt teens. Reason I'm here, is because I'm rather interested in the subject, and supportive. Also I'm doing an article for my school paper, on homosexuality and how homophobia take a toll on our society, youth, and schools.

never kick a dog, because it's just a pup, we'll fight like twenty armies, and we won't give up, so you'd better run for cover when the pup grows up!~ Les Mis

Lost Angry Youth's picture

you must not be very good at

you must not be very good at writing then ,
i checked to see if you had written anything here and i
could'nt find a thing. i am glad i was the one to take your
virginity -anytime gavvy... anytime(:"
but why is MY ass sore?
damn it gavvy!
I am the pitcher
YOU are the reciever!
*sigh*

what triggered you interest in GLBT issues?
just queerious...

Patch's picture

Cool, as long as you admit yo

Cool, as long as you admit you have a nagging affection for me! ;)

I mean, come on, you have posted on like every journal I write. And stealing my avi? YOu just wanted my good looks! Hah!

rotflmao

"What is the purpose of life? It is to create our own purpose."

Lost Angry Youth's picture

good looks i already have m

good looks i already have maybe it's something else i was after