i just want to come out of the closet online...
boys..girls...i am proud to say....
that i am straight...
i know, i know. eventhough i do have sexual desires for
guys and i am indeed attracted to them.
i strongly feel as if my mind and heart belongs with a girl..
silly as it may sound but , i really don't see myself
being gay in the near future for some odd reason.
i just don't "feel" it... i seem to regard my feelings
on sexuality as merely sexual insecurity...no not about being gay,but in fact
about being straight. i am not confident in my hetrosexuality
because i don't feel i am confident in it just yet.
no matter how confident i am about getting girls, no
matter how convinced i am that i can get any girl i want,
no matter how many girls i sleep with or attract.
something inside me still dosen't feel right.
now some people know that they are gay,
me i have a nagging abusive voice in my mind like-
dude you are soo fucking gay!
dude you are soo queer!
all in a negative mocking context.
i am not fucking gay alright! geez!
thats what i feel like screaming at myself, no it's not
denial or doubt-it's me saying to myself , in order to
stop the negative belief!
out of sheer social stupidity and a complete lack
of any social skills
(dude i was such a douche!!
not to mention a poser!)
...i was called fag, queer the works...
i was teased , made fun of , chased with rocks and
fights...because everyone thought i was gay...
i rememeber being really shy and insecure as youth,
and not really fitting in...
looking back i realize that maybe they were just talking shit
and not really trying to attack my sexuality...oops!
i started to realise i was thinking thoughts like, dude
am i gay? is there something i don't see?
whats going on? so i became self-concious,
started to belive that i was gay, started to
question my attraction to makes, became homophobic even...
it did trigger alot of thoughts fantasies and desires though...
being a sexualluy precocious and experimentive child-
it was only natural that i became highly curious
of my own sex..
but in the end...
i always knew where my heart was and no matter what ,
my love, my heart my mind and my life would always
belong to a girl...
one of the most transforming years of my life
was when i was 18 when me and the love of my life
broke up, i was already becoming bi-curious at that time
in my life and i was experimenting in my sexuality.
when we broke up , i went full fledge into bisexuality it
acted like such a cushion for soo much heartache...
i was heartbroken and looking for pleasure anywhere i could
find it, since i had already made an intense connection
with love/sex i found it hard to be with girls
for a loooooooooonnngg time.
at the time bisexuality was a very right option.
now though, i feel as the gig is up and now i realize
that maybe this lifestyle is soon , very soon coming
to a close. why am i soo eager to put a close to
this chapter in my life?
i feel as if i do meet the right girl , i want to
give my all to her and only her and if i continue to
allow my attractions to males as well as other woman-
get in the way-
then i would'nt be able to be 100% , which she deserves..
unless she happens to be bisexual with a strict prefernce
for other girls( i am highly jealous, my girl is my girl!)
as many guys as i feel attraction for ..it usually mellows into
a strong friendship and the feelings transform themselves
naturally into a strong tie of comradery and companionship,
loyalty and brotherhood.i think it's because i am more
mature and more understanding of my emotions.
i really don't see myself in the future falling in love
or having any kind of real romantic connection with