love ... lies and cholesterol...

Tjedza's picture

I went through a phase once, when I was obsessed with profundity and philosophy ( and being original- until I discovered that originality is an illusion)
I took great pride in thinking that I was smarter and more insightful that everyone around me, and placed myself intellectually and spiritually among the great thinkers of today’s world.
It was not as mild as vanity; it was turning into a very dangerous case of harmful narcissistic delusion.
My idea was that the world had nothing to offer me not out of a state of hopelessness but more pretentiousness. I thought I was sugar…
Only to be left with (now) a bitter saline taste of tears on my lips.

Moving on….

Why do people cheat? Okay why did I cheat?
I had the perfect girlfriend- well, closest to perfect… she had it all but I kept cheating on her- I guess something in my always felt that there was something more out there, something missing between us I guess.
It wasn’t that though. It was me. It was not her, or ‘us’… just me.
It’s not that I didn’t feel ‘loved enough’ or that she wasn’t sexually satisfying enough-
It was my insecurity all along.
You see I had all this latent rage and insecurity because of my past and my present at that time. As a kid, I was the fat kid, the butt of all the jokes, and I used to think I could handle the laughing and pointing etc with a my little ‘sticks and stones (may break my bones, but words will never hurt me) theory’
But lord knows the kind of damage that words CAN do that will devastate you (at the time) in the deepest and softest crevices and darkest corners in your heart and go on to reverberate throughout the rest of your life for the rest of your life if not confronted.
But back then, I used to put up a front and pretend it was all okay and laugh along with the other kids at myself so it wouldn’t hurt so much. And every time it did hurt, and the more it hurt the harder I’d laugh ( now out of habit I laugh every time I am in pain), and in the end I’d start telling the jokes ( about myself) before they did and we all laughed. I changed from being the victim to being my own biggest offender, while putting up a front of bravado and ‘confidence.’ And this front transformed itself into apparent self-importance, and I believe thus that if you tell a lie for long enough you start to believe it yourself.

In truth I never really used to like myself. I hated myself. Constantly wanted to change myself.

And even more tragically, I was looking for love. I was looking to fall in love and be swept of my feet and feel whole and loved/appreciated for who I am/was.
If only I knew that I was just wasting my time all those years. You cannot be loved if even you cannot accept, let alone love yourself.
The number one contender for the ‘top ten list of stupid things that people do’ is-
Trying to FIND love. Love is not found. Love finds you, in two stages. Stage one, love finds you within you. Stage two, two individuals having found that true love ( self/inner love) subconsciously recognize that love within each other and because it is so beautiful-it has to be shared, thus they share that love, love that love, grow that love and subsequently to each other .. become that love.

In the past, when I was with my girlfriend, I think I lacked that self love, and it only took many long silences, deep thoughts and long conversations with myself for me to get to know me, accept me and get over having been fat as a child and blaming it on my mother and everyone else. It wasn’t being fat that bothered me, it was jus the stigma.

I had multiple partners, I figured I needed as many lovers to complete me and inspire me as possible.
I wanted that Hollywood kiss… that stillness of the air… disappearance of time.., space and background noise – to be caught up in a moment.
But life (like that Hollywood ‘romantic comedy’-who laughs??-)is not about moments, orgasms and fantastic endings,
Its about all the conversations and actions leading up to those ‘moments’,
Its about those slight hand movements, the light kisses, the close conversations where your lips are so close you kiss with every word…
Its about the foreplay, eye contact, tongue tangos, and intense passion leading up to the orgasm.

But all of this is as much of a fantasy as the latest and oldest Harry Potter book…
If there’s no self- love.

Dammit I just ranted.