I suspect this is going to be something of a long entry, so settle in if
decide to read :P
Alright, just to update whats been going on as of late.. It's nearing the
end of summer, school is about to start, my sister just left for college
again, and i've still remain completely out of contact with my father and
his girlfriend despite their desperate attempts. I've got 1 -count it- 1
more year of high school left and then i'm going to be going in a new
direction completely. My band completely broke up after our third show
because of some despute.. so i'm building from the ground up once more.
I've managed to find another good singer, but thats about it. I've been
working on lyrics like crazy, and toying around with alot of sounds but
nothing has been sticking so meh.
Anyway, now onto some thoughts that have been occuring to me lately.
I've realized that i have no idea what I want in life at all (sexually
that is). The last year has really been something of a nightmare. It's
been the first time i've really just sort of gotten caught up in something.
It's strange that so many of your veiws an beliefs can suddenly go out
the window because of a chance encounter with one person. I suspect that's
one of my major issues right now as it is. In the last year i've begun a
series of changes of both my ideals and character that have been dependant
on the fact that I had a very intimate relationship with a boy. I've
questioned myself, my faith, everything simply because i realized it was
completely possible to have loved him. Unfortuantely, due to very obscure
circumstances he's no longer in this world; and now i'm left with nothing
but questions. I've only been in a relationship with one boy, and until
meeting him I had never once even considered it an option, and now it's
like my whole life suddenly has this question carved into it.
Honestly I have no chance at meeting any other guys, and also I have almost
no desire to do so. It's the strangest thing i've ever felt. I don't really
know what to think anymore because in one hand I've come to think I'd
really like to be with a guy, if nothing more than to see if it's a
lifestyle I could possibly live. Another problem is that I've met a few
guys for a long enough period to possibly experiment more, but i've kept
myself from doing so somewhat out of fear. I dont know whether i'm afraid
to get attached to someone, whether i'm afraid to be with a boy again,
or what.. i'm just afriad and no matter what i do i just can't feel as
comfortable doing anything with guys as i did when i first met Jason.
Sometimes i think it's guilt, like i'm somehow cheating on him even when
he's dead.. but i dont know..
In the other hand I have a lifestyle I know is compatable.. or seems to be
at least; and to be honest there are a few women that I believe I could be
happy with. So i've begun to wonder whether i'm going out of my way to
be miserable, whether i'm unconciously waiting to decide what lifestyle
I'd rather live, or whether i'm afraid to be with anyone at all.
In my mind i've tried over and over to prove that my faith is compatable
with either choice of a partner, but in the back of my mind i still have
a very vivid fear that i might be wrong. I can rememmber being happier
than i've been since i was a child when i was with Jason, and it seems
like loving someone shouldn't be wrong in anyway.. but also i know God
has these tests he sets for us, he has these clauses and laws and then
gives us desire so we might break them because he has some sort of
So bascailly.. i have no idea what to think right now. I don't know what
i want.. and even if i did i'd prolly have no way to achieve it.