Help? Lesbian?

boho's picture

Okay, so I need some serious help. I'm 19, and I'm just now questioning my sexuality. I've always been reclusive, and throughout High School, I only dated boys a few times, and only when I had to out of social pressure. The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm not interested in men. But the thing is, I always assumed that it would be one or the other: if I wasn't interested in men, I would be interested in women, it would be that easy. But it's not. I told myself most of my life that I would just get over my disinterest in men eventually. Eventually, I convinced myself, I'd learn to deal with being in a relationship with a man. But I can't. Recently, I've started to long for a relationship with a woman. I want a woman who's closer than a friend or roommate, but I'm still not "turned on" by women in the way that I'd expect to be, if I were truly gay. How is it for other women? I expected the first sign to be a sexual attraction to women. It's not. I'm emotionally attracted to women, intellectually attracted to women, but not really sexually. I feel like I'm not quite gay enough to be gay, and certainly not straight enough to be straight, and simply not sexual enough to be bi. I feel so alone! On top of all that, I've been through depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting, extreme seclusion, crippling despair, the list goes on. Help!

BItterfly's picture

Wow, it's almost scary, but y

Wow, it's almost scary, but you sound EXACTLY like me. I dont find myself sexually attracted to women either. But i am attracted to them, so i consider myself bisexual. You really dont need to put a label on it though. As for the stuff you went through, i also went and still going through a depression, had the suicidal thoughts and alot of what you said sounds like how i felt. But im on meds now, so i think im ok.

But don't worry, your not weird or a freak or anything. Im sure there are tons of people that can relate to what you said and what your going through.

Lots of love :)

boho's picture

*hugs* Thanks. Would it be to

*hugs* Thanks. Would it be too personal of me to ask if you date? I feel so outside of the dating world, yet I'd like to find some sort of companion. But I feel like if I decide I'm gay and start dating women, what happens if I'm still not attracted? How does it work for you? Do you date, or are you comfortable being alone?

rainbowheart's picture


one thing i read in this book about homosexuality that really helped was hardly anyone is just straight or just gay. They had a picture of a line with gay on on side and straight on the other. It said that people can be anywhere on there. We probobly won't fit in a catagory either way. Acknowledeing your feelings and honoring them is just the best thing to do no matter what they are.

AngelLove's picture

I was struggling with,"am I g

I was struggling with,"am I gay?".."am i straight?"for a while because of the same situation..except that i find it impossible to feel anything toward all..but slight friendship because of serious trust issues..anyway..then i threw away the labels and decided to be completly myself...just fallow ur desires/heart/head and youll figure it out eventully..(i cant spell at all)just feel what u feel and dont label it..try it,you might learn something about yourself..

Uncertain's picture

Are there boys that feel this way too?

First off, sorry to hijack this thread since I'm not a lesbian--I'm gay. I'm a boy and I seem to feel like this too. However, all that felt this way and posted so far are girls. I'm confused whether or not I should be feeling the way I am.

I look at my male classmates and I don't exactly get sexually aroused, but I always fantasised how they could be really close to me. I've once had a sexual attraction to a girl about 4 years ago, but after that I felt no affection for girls at all. So I just feel like you right now and don't exactly know what I "am".

Chizuna san's picture


relax hon. you might be gay, bi, straight, w/e. who really knows? if there's one thing i've learned, it's that humans aren't bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual, etc. Humans are sexual, period. the rest is just a matter of preferences and circumstance.

rowie's picture

this might be totally off, bu

this might be totally off, but you know - not everyone gets sexual attractions. there are more asexual people than you might think. they can still get into relationships with others who feel the same way - whether its with the same or opposite sex - but they want companionship and emotional support, not physical intimacey. maybe this isnt you at all,but its something to think about.

--how can you smile with all those tears in your eyes?--

**you must be the change you wish to see in the world**

boho's picture

Thank you! That is certainly

Thank you! That is certainly something to think about, in fact, I have. I've spent some time on, and now I'm beginning to realize that I don't quite fit. To be perfectly blunt, I want a woman too much to be asexual, but at times, I feel like it's not enough to be gay. I'm hoping right now that sexuality will come in time, and it's scary and confusing, but talking through these sorts of forums is really helpful. Thank you!

Daisy's picture

First off, welcome to Oasis. I'm Daisy.

Okay. Now, for me, I definitely felt emotionally and intellectually attracted women before I felt sexually attracted to them. You might find that, in a relationship with a girl you really like, you're totally into on a physical level. I think that for a lot of people, women especially, sex is so much more about love than about, well, just sex that they feel almost no sexual interest in the general population, but a lot for somebody they're really into.

I don't know if that helps. Good luck, hon. If you ever need to talk, I'm always happy to.

What kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties?

boho's picture

Thank you! That helps a lot.

Thank you! That helps a lot. I suppose I never really knew what to expect, so I just assumed being gay would be obvious: I'd want sex with women. I don't, at least, not enough to really think twice about it, but I want a relationship with a woman, and it helps a ton to know that perhaps intellectual attraction comes first. I don't feel so alone :)

Lost Angry Youth's picture

don't worry i am EXACTLY like

don't worry i am EXACTLY like you. i often mistook attraction for
affection for a lllllllllloooooooooooooooonnnnnngggg time.
and it often confused me.Me, i am emotionally and affectionatly attracted to girls-but not soo much sexually, actually they kind
of freak me out in a way that i get a lil overstimulated and almost panic. i have sexual attractions for males but thats the farthest extent to love , no relationships or any kind of real emotional connection.if i do it's always a strong sense of comradery and brotherhood,but if those feelings are present,the sex factor drops to
negative zero. one or the other but NEVER EVER BOTH. anyways,
maybe you are doing what i was doing...mistaking affection for's obvious you have a strong affection for the company of
woman but it ends there,or maybe you haven't met the right girl yet.
how was you relationship with you mother? odd question,but sometimes
we sexualize what we often lacked from a parental figure.
the question would be, are you CAPABLE of having feelings for a guy?
i for one know for a fact i won't have feelings for males- other then
the feeling in my pants occasionally! but i also know for a fact that
i am only capable with emotional involvement with a girl-
as much as i resent them and have underlying sexual issues concerning them..hope this helps. oh, yeah. you should'nt hurt yourself
or feel bad in anyway. there are probally millions going through what we are going through-you have no right to be soo arrogant to think you are the only one! (:

boho's picture

My relationship with my mothe

My relationship with my mother? Terrible. She was an overbearing, controlling bitch. Maybe that has something to do with what's going on now, but I can't really tell.

I suppose with me, I am affectionately attracted to women, but I don't know how deep it goes. I hope I simply haven't met the right girl. With guys, the only guys I've managed to get along with are guys I'm absolutely positive have no attraction toward me whatsoever. Gay male friends, blood-related family. Straight guys I simply cannot connect with, and have no desire to connect with on even a friendship level. I can recognize a sexually attractive man, but I have no desire for sex with a man. The only men I've ever felt slightly attracted to are remarkably effeminate men.

The thing you said about comradery and brotherhood really makes a lot of sense. I feel a sense of sisterhood with women, sometimes I desire to kiss or hug women, but I only think about sex when I'm speculating or forcing myself. Never just for pleasure.

Anyway, thank you!

Lost Angry Youth's picture

holy shit me too! see...i tol

holy shit me too! see...i told you you aren't the only you psychotic
cunt! personally i haven't met the right girl either...
look sorry guys as much as i love the sexual aspects of homosexuality,
my heart...well..thats a whole different story all together.
anyways.yup, estranged relationships with one if and or both parental
figures usually tends to become sexualized sub-conciouslly and surafaces around your age ,particuallry after the teens years through
soo much habitual repression and resentment. just be glad you didn't turn out to be a serial killer or something else!
as much as i love girls, i don't particually find them sexually arousing until i have intense feelings for them, i used to be a horn ball and fuck anything that moves until i got my heart ripped out my
chest and broke my spirit all together.with a guy i usually find myself really wanting sex when i am absolutly down on myself and
and lost.i feel like i am recapturing my masculinity in a way or
trying to find myself.sounds odd huh?
as far as connecting with people don't feel lbad maybe you really are just a freak...just fucking with you hun.. i personally don't connect simply because i don't let people in and because my guard is always up or i simply never show my deeper side other then surface shit..
don't worry, you sound really sweet and i am sure you'll meet someone.
all woman are bisexual anyways so it really dosen't matter.

Hula's picture

same here!

thank you so much for posting that, i was about to come on here and ask pretty much the same thing! im definetly more intelectually and emotionally attracted to women than men but wouldnt necessarily say im definetly sexually attracted to either, although i wouldnt really consider myself asexual because i think i would want any relationships i was in to become sexual over time.

hippiedyke87's picture

I wouldn't worry too much abo

I wouldn't worry too much about it, different strokes for different folks, anyhoo, BTW your depression may be causing your lack of libido. It may not but I become anti-sexual when my depression relapses. Just food for thought, it may not be the case at all. But on top of it all, don't worry. Peace.

"If you think you know what I'm doing wrong well you're gonna have to get in line..." - Ani DiFranco

Rosebud_flowers's picture

I know what you mean. I felt

I know what you mean. I felt the same way when I starting questionin my sexuality.. I mean I felt this strong emotional attraction for my friend and I felt really weird about it. It wasn't really all that sexual. I longed for her to hold me and to kiss her, but I guess thats not really all that sexual.
I guess now that I'm a little more comfortable with my homosexuality, I realize my "affections" were in fact sexual attractions and I feel sexual attractions to other girls in a way I have never ever felt for guys.
I think maybe you should experiment. Thats a good way to know what you really like.

wild-blue-yonder's picture

This is AWESOME! I feel just

This is AWESOME! I feel just the same way! I'm so glad I happened to read this. Because I am, in many ways, definitely attracted to girls, but at least not yet sexually attracted to either gender, just emotionally. I do understand the hugging thing too. I mean there's a girl that I like who I wish like crazy I could just hold, and kiss, etc., but nothing strongly sexual. So at first I thought I was gay, then I wasn't sure, then I thought I was nuts... weird cycle. I'm so glad to know that there are other people who feel this way, because that means there's hope for me!

I guess it's just a matter of time, right? Maybe the sexual part will come, maybe not. Just that we're able to feel so emotionally connected to others says enough for now. Maybe it's better, you think? So often love and lust are confused. We could use this time to get to understand the Love part. Think of it as a gift, this time when we can really experience Love uninfluenced by sexual desire.

I'm so glad I read this, I feel much better. That's been bugging me a lot.

pup4588's picture

Take Your Time- My Recommendation

I agree with a lot of what's been said in this forum. You've brought up a great topic. First of all, relax. You said it yourself, you're only 19! You have a whole lifetime ahead of you to discover your preferences.

Personally, I like the quote "it's hard to define your sexuality if you haven't had sex." I'd go with the experiment idea. Go wild with it.

Secondly, do you even understand how sex with a girl works? I mean, and here I hope I don't offend, you mentioned a lot of the steorotypicals in your article. Like "people just know if they're gay or not", take it from me: not true. Personally I'm two years in and I'm STILL unsure.

And don't assume once or twice is enough experience to tell. And I agree with the whole, avoid labeling... Because people ARE different, all people... men and women. So instead of saying right away I'm not sexually attracted to either, try saying I wasn't attracted to 'her' or 'him'. Then take a deep breath and try again. Do you see what I'm saying?

Personally, I've always thought of men being the sexually-driven. Not that I haven't met a lot of girls who are horny but seriously, usually it takes a lot more to get us aroused then it does them. Don't forget, we're the ones who can FAKE orgasms. Most women, straight or gay, when asked say they PREFER the hugging and kissing to sex. A lot of it is just how we are. And you shouldn't feel pressured to just jump into bed either. I hate to use cliches but "when you're ready, you'll know". How can you possibly enjoy it before then? While being forced? Might as well be raping your body...

Another thing, and forgive me for being so frank, but I agree with someone earlier in this forum that said a reason for your lack of sexual activity could be your depression. I'd say that it could be a BIG reason.

I mean, if your depression is anything like mine, and you don't want to be around anyone when it hits, how can you expect to be aroused when you can't even get up for life? Honestly, I would take care of that aspect of your life before you went searching for ANY relationship. After all, how can you assure yourself that if you were hurt or dumped, which is a possibility in any type of relationship, you wouldn't take it too far and hurt yourself? Hun, take advice from RENT "You'll never share real love until you love yourself." It's truth.

And don't do this alone. Get yourself to a therapist. Someone who you know will listen, won't be judgemental, won't try and run your life, and is by law sworn to secrecy. They CAN help. "Depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting, extreme seclusion, crippling despair, etc." is a lot of baggage to heap on a person and it wouldn't be fair to expect that much from your partner.

It could be anything, from a chemical imbalance to childhood trauma. Most psychologists believe sexuality to be ordained before we're even born. "Overbearing mother" might not even count. You just don't know so you should go to a professional who does. Try the drugs, remember try everything once? It might just help, and even the talk therapy could make you see things that much clearer and put things in perspective. It has for me.

But overall, try to remember that nothing in the world is worth freaking out over. It's just not that big a deal. Take your time and take my recommendations under consideration. Think before you act.

Good luck with everything and anything and if you need someone to talk to or just listen, well, I'm not licensed for it but I'd certainly do my best.

Most Sincerely,

"It's lucky for you, my man... or you would find yourself in
Queer Street."

-Inspector Lestrade, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's "Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Second Stain"