I hate my mom and am probably scarred for life because of it

theindigolemon's picture

Yes, I really do hate her. And I think it's really screwing me up. I can't even be honest with her; she'll punish me if I say anything she doesn't want to hear. Really, if I "hurt" her (emotionally), she'll yell and make me apologize, even if it was true. And if I don't she'sll kick me out of the house. My dad will have to pick me up, and eventually he'll make me apologize and make up. I do it for him. I don't know why I can't get the courage to just leave and move in with him. I guess it's because my dad already paid for my private school, and I don't want to burden him when he already works very hard. I also fear change and transition. I honestly don't know what my mom would do if I tried to move out. She might let me go, and then only have my sister to let out her hatred and anger on by controlling, or she may try to get me back. She hates it when I show any signs of being loyal to my dad instead of her. And if I actually moved out, and then had to live with her, she would torture me. My life would be hell. I'm also kind of afraid that she might actually hurt me. When I'm honest with her, she tells me she hates me and wants to hurt me and that I'm evil. What if she loses control one time? What should I do? Does anyone have any advice?

Comments

Bluesong's picture

T_T

I suggest you find someone you can stay with who you trust. If your home is that dangerous and your mom hates you that much it is best not to stay in that enviornment. Try to google crisis centers for GLBT issues in your state so you can be safe.

"I choose to be myself no matter what the world says I should be."

theindigolemon's picture

I guess it really isn't all t

I guess it really isn't all that dangerous. And she's pretty tolerant of me being bi. It's more of an irrational fear that she might hurt me beacuse I know she wants to.

Noucha's picture

Hello there, I read your com

Hello there,
I read your comment about hating your mother so much, and while i was reading i was just thinking that i am in the same position as you are. I am 21 and live in The Netherlands and my parents are separated. My mother hates it and she wants everyone to have sympathy for her but she has no smpathy for anyone! She hates me although she would never admit it. Everytime we fight, which is daily, she says i gotta go and live wiv my dad coz she doesnt want me around, because i am so selfish. I always think about her feelings, i help her around the house wiv everything she needs, if i go out and she wants me to do something, i sometimes even ring my friends to say i cant see em because i gotta help her. She hurts me so much and it is getting me fucked up. I have absolutely no selfesteem whatsoever, and i often feel like im worthless and i am no good. I hear her talking to me in the back of my mind. My dad is depressed and he has a busy job and i dont wanna be a burden to him becoz he has his own problems. My mother puts me down so badly, and tells me im not welcome & she wonders why she ever had a child, and it upsets me so much that i can cry about it all night. In her eyes it is like this: "she is always right, and she is a victim coz dad left, everybody must not forget that (it is already 2 years ago) anyone who has a different oppion then her is selfish and arrogant" She keeps telling me what i am doing wrong but when i tell her that she hurts me and upsets me she says im seeing things that dont excist. I have already looked for help years ago but they couldnt help me, they said i should move out. uhh yeah how?! if you´re a student and you aint got any money! They even asked my mother to come and talk to them when i was there and she denied everything! what a bitch!!!!!! she makes me sick to my stomach and sometimes i wish her to die, i know i shouldnt think like that becoz she is my mother but life would be so much easier. i feel so much hate for her.....

I would like to know how you are dealing wiv it now...
Are you living wiv your dad now? Did anything change? Maybe i can learn something from your story because i feel like im stuck and i got nowhere to go...

Noucha