Identity

Dim's picture

Where to start? Today, I feel lost. Yersterday, I felt lost.

Okey, here's the deal. Lately, I've been doing some thinking, on the classic "who am I" problem. Until now I've been fairly comfortable with who I am. Looks, intelligence, lovelife ( which has been non-existant); my whole situation in general. I accepted that I was not like other boys, (into girls, soccer, drinking, brainless discussions...)

I am gay. I don't smoke, (all boys here my age do.) My best friend is an eccentric, cynical, volatile little buggar, who happens to be more intelligent than me. I love discussing with him, and he is very accapting of gays, but I don't think he can be a loyal friend to anyone but himself. My mom's a lesbian, (an old one. She thinks I'm bi...) My dad I haven't heard from in over 5 freakin years, and lives on the other side of the Atlantic, in Wisconsin. I live in Norway. My family is a bunch of homophobic conservatives who's biggest fear is that my mom will turn me into a faggit. (I don't believe that my upbringing did anything with my sexuality, except for making it easier for me to accept.) My other two best friends are homophobes. I think that they suffer from the delusion that if someone is gay, that person will automatically like them. (in their dreams..lol.) I don't like boys my age, only older guys. I dont like girls, period. I find straght men more attractive than gay. These, and a zillion other things, is the reason for my lack of love.

So, all this I had come to terms with, until today. I don't know why, but I wish I were like other boys. The thought intreages me. What is I were just normal, (to the extent that is possible,) and had girlfriends and a dad and a normal mom and could have the same friends without worrying about losing them if I came out. If I were straight I wouldn't have to deal with most of these fucking pains. (To the bastards that say we can choose our sexuality, I'm living proof of that being a myth.)

I might just as well be dead.

- Dim

Comments

wishin2binboston's picture

That is like my life (except

That is like my life (except i'm a girl and bi). My mom is a lesbian and for the longest time i've accepted who i am. Until recently when i started just wishing i could be "normal" and have "normal" friends and not have to worry about all the crap surrounding my life and making it more confusing than any other teenager's life. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that others are in the same boat.

nikodemus's picture

My friend, we all go through

My friend, we all go through this kind of thing. I know that I have. I used to think about what it would be like if I was straight I even dated girls...but in the end I realized I was just fooling myself. In the end I guess we just have to accept the fact that we have our ups and downs and that we can never change who we are.
It sucks about your friends being homophobes...I lost pretty much my entire circle of close friends when I came out so Iknow whereyou are coming from.

"Artists have always been the initiators of revolution."
-Master Otori Niko