Where to start? Today, I feel lost. Yersterday, I felt lost.
Okey, here's the deal. Lately, I've been doing some thinking, on the classic "who am I" problem. Until now I've been fairly comfortable with who I am. Looks, intelligence, lovelife ( which has been non-existant); my whole situation in general. I accepted that I was not like other boys, (into girls, soccer, drinking, brainless discussions...)
I am gay. I don't smoke, (all boys here my age do.) My best friend is an eccentric, cynical, volatile little buggar, who happens to be more intelligent than me. I love discussing with him, and he is very accapting of gays, but I don't think he can be a loyal friend to anyone but himself. My mom's a lesbian, (an old one. She thinks I'm bi...) My dad I haven't heard from in over 5 freakin years, and lives on the other side of the Atlantic, in Wisconsin. I live in Norway. My family is a bunch of homophobic conservatives who's biggest fear is that my mom will turn me into a faggit. (I don't believe that my upbringing did anything with my sexuality, except for making it easier for me to accept.) My other two best friends are homophobes. I think that they suffer from the delusion that if someone is gay, that person will automatically like them. (in their dreams..lol.) I don't like boys my age, only older guys. I dont like girls, period. I find straght men more attractive than gay. These, and a zillion other things, is the reason for my lack of love.
So, all this I had come to terms with, until today. I don't know why, but I wish I were like other boys. The thought intreages me. What is I were just normal, (to the extent that is possible,) and had girlfriends and a dad and a normal mom and could have the same friends without worrying about losing them if I came out. If I were straight I wouldn't have to deal with most of these fucking pains. (To the bastards that say we can choose our sexuality, I'm living proof of that being a myth.)
I might just as well be dead.