Maybe I can talk

Fairylover2008's picture

Maybe I can explain what was happening about the
time of my last post and why I was crying so much
I had a lapse of strenght and I still am. When
I was younger about 15 and 16 I got to the point where
I would sleep with someone if they whispered the
right things in my ear at the right time. Well
a guy the other night did that and I was about to
go home with him when my best friend and the mother
of my godchildren grabbed my arm and spun me to face her
She asked me what I was doing I told her I was doing what I
damn well pleased. She pulled me along toward the
bathroom and spun me to look at my self in the mirror
I hadn't noticed myself in a few weeks. I hadn't looked
in a mirror or anything and I relized that I
looked like the girl I use to be the one who would
do that and I hated that and I took off pulled
away from her and told the guy something had come
up and I left and came home and I remember the
word that everyone said about me and I know what
everyone thinks but to me once upon a time that
use to be love that use to be the attention I
was seeking the touch I wanted to feel the ability
to have someone's attention forcus solely on me.
I was every word imangable and yet I was going to
do it. So I came home and looked back at when I
use to work at Ryan's and relized that working there
made me lower my physical touch guard. For a long
time after I got here it peeved me off to have anyone
get that close to me. I didn't want anyone to touch
me not hug not kiss nothing. People have no personal
space and they would keep coming into mine and I
would back up till I was standing in a corner. It
was a while before I just kind of stopped and I
think in dating V I went back to that sleeping
with anyone who would whisper the right things. (Even
thought I didn't sleep with him.) I also cut myself
again last night eight times to be more speific.
Just to feel better and I don't know If I want
more that that to feel better I might be thinking
the wrong things again. I don't know what to do.

Comments

bulldyke's picture

i don't like subjects, but i'll write one anyway

sounds like you've got a bit of a mess to cope with. like you don't know what to do, 'cause you don't know what's right or wrong, and you don't really know what you want, or why you might want it. writing about things always helps me. or doing a workout. or just sitting by the ocean and letting it wash me away. don't know if any of that would help, but still. do you like to listen to music? who's someone you look up to? try to talk about it, even if it's just to a tape recorder. get your feelings out in the open, then examine them, and try to figure out what you want. it's not something that's going to happen over night, and sometimes you might not want to do it, 'cause it's hard, and it's painful, but in the end, i think it might help. can you take a vacation, and just relax? get away from people? that might help. but really, just try to get your feelings out, and sort through them, and keep writing about it. i'm here for you. you can e-mail me here on oasis, and i do my best to answer every day.
as to the cutting, i've been there. still am sometimes. i have scars from cutting, and i still bleed. that being said, you won't think that i'm some old person nagging you about something i know nothing about. it's awful. you can't feel the pain, or if you can. you go to this really strange place, and you wouldn't know yourself if you walked up to you and whispered in your ear. i'm not telling you to stop, 'cause that's not my decision to make, but try to do something else when you get the urge. go online, write something, do pushups, listen to music, scream, beat the wall up, make something. anything but dwelling on wanting to cut. what do you cut with? can you live your life without it? can you get rid of it, just throw it out? i had to sell my knife, to stop myself, and i still use scissors.

Bulldyke
"I can't even think straight!"
"Keep your laws off my body!"

ps i think that's the longest sentence i've ever seen! congradulations! ~QueerGeek

Fairylover2008's picture

Um

I listen to music Linkin Park, Crossfade, Straind, Nickleback
groups like that As to the cutting I had stopped for almost three year
from 13 to 16 I cut then 16 to 19 I quit. I hadn't done then that
night I picked up a razor blade and cut myself. It doesn't matter if I get rid of knifes I'll use anything sharp I can find. I've done this before and sadly I know whats shape enough to break skin and what isn't going to work. I can get safety blades, which are sharp to shave but dull enough to no cut the skin. Knifes get rid of all but two I need one to cut meat and I would never use it to cut myself and
one to steak knife which I can't use. Just start getting rid of all
of it and then start writing. I need to get it all out.

Don't worry you're just as sane as I am