Kirika's picture

I am back at school after summer vacation and am in a new dorm. My wingmates don't know about meand even though i usually am really good about telling people that I am gay, for some reason I just can't seem to do it this time. It is not like it doesn't come up in conversation, there is a long running joke of my dorm being the lesbian hall. I just can not do it right now and I don't know why. It is like I have put myself back in the closet all over again. I'm not sure why I am hiding it, its not like it won't come out eventually, but I am having a lot of trouble. I just don't get why I am doing this to myself again. I've fallen back into the pattern of playing straight. when we talk about our past relationships I'm substituting pronouns, I'm pretending to have crushes on guys,it makes me feel like such a hypocrite and I its not very plesent. I mean I'm even hiding it from my roommate, and that takes some effort. It's just, i came out, why am i pretending again.


Patch's picture

If it helps, try to remind yo

If it helps, try to remind yourself of how good it felt to be out, and how bad it feels to be closeted. Coming out is hard, but if you do it once there, chances are, you won't have to again. Or it will be much easier to do.

Remember, coming out is like a really steep hill. Once you get over it, the going gets easier. And you are better equipped to come out again if you need to, cuz you already went over the hill once.

Is my analogy making any sense? I hope I'm helping, and not confusing you, like my longwinded analogies often do to other people (gawd I am weird like that).

"What is the purpose of life? It is to create our own purpose."

Lost Angry Youth's picture

the funny thing is whenever i

the funny thing is whenever i say anything like-
dude, she's nasty or girls are soo fucking sick...
my friends are like...sure "you know you wanna bang her" type
comments. i notice that when i try to break rapport
with them they are more likely to interpret as the opposite
is true. when i try to add a comment about girls,
they don't take it seriously either so i guess it's win win-
because they never take anything seriouslly anyways.
i noticed if i take an overly sarcastic tone i can apply it
to anything , even if it's a true statement they don't take it
seriouslly or they just think i am being a smart ass.
so whatya do today..ah nothing just blowing some hot stud...
they'll be all like your're soo fucking gay.
i can just disregard it and be all like - i know you are
but what am i?
meka leka hi meka high nee hoe
i just take away their power and throw it back at them...
they may think i am a fucking asshole that dosen't take anything
seriouslly , but it's better then giving them all my power by feeling
bad and taking things personally.

flushd's picture

it's difficult, so don't be too hard on yourself:)

I know where you are coming from. I am 26 and thought I had everything sorted out when it came to just being upfront. But recently, I have been talking and getting to know a guy who I really like. I mean, I am falling in love with him. We have had intense conversations: but somehow I managed to avoid coming across as anything but straight. I have made comments about women: but like was said here, he easily took them as jokes. I do have a fairly brash personality. So, I let him think that.
Somehow it snowballed, and I found myself omitting the female name of an ex-partner. I let him think it was a guy.
Well, I finally 'outed' myself to him. How odd: I thought he would think I was 'confused' or 'trampy' or 'something-else' if I told him I am bi. Maybe because he is so straight! But he was fine with it. He laughed "oh that explains a lot of things". It turned into something that brought us closer together, and a source of endless playful jokes for him. LOL.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in what you are going through. I am sure you will find a way to 'out' yourself that is appropriate and reasonably confortable.
You may even find that there are others there that share your 'secret'. You never know.

Take care.