arguing with myself

saves_the_day's picture

Have you ever had one of those days, well in my case weeks to months, where
there's one topic that's been making you bang your head against the wall
so hard you wish you could physically get yourself to do it just so you can
make it stop? And yes, you probably are as confused as I am with that statement.
I've had what you could possibly consider an epiphany with recently figuring
out what my sexuality is. They say that "you've always known" that you're gay.
I suppose I just figured it out later than I would have wished. I don't
believe that I always knew because before these recent head to wall and wall
to head bangings that I've just bloched in describing earlier, I didn't know
what to look for in myself. The topics fly in and out of my head all the time.
Lately, there has been 3 topics that keep on flying back home. They just
don't want to leave the nest I suppose. Maybe anyone who reads this rambling
could possibly help me with somewhat figuring them out.
The first: My sexuality. Although I think I've got this one covered for the
time being, a little help- a lot of help- well be deemed necessary in the
The Second: My good friend, Ryan, wants me to move in with him. That would
mean moving 100 miles away, having to put up with his almost 24/7
(which isn't very fun.), and then trying to get my life in order, the way
that I would like it to be. Then ofcourse, if I do decide to move in
with him I will have to tell him sooner or later about me being a lesbian.
Which is a lot harder than it seems because as long as I've known the kid,
he's been madly in love with me. I've told him more than once that there's
no feeling that mutual coming from me to him, but he doesn't give up. There
will ALWAYS be that weirdness between him and I until I can come out to him.
But I know I am not ready for that.'ll be hearing about him
a lot more in these journals.
As for my third and for the time being final topic: (This one probably should
have come before number 2, but I don't think you will care too much.) My mom.
I'm the youngest of 4. Her baby. My oldest brother is a screw up who's slowly
getting his life in order. The next is my other brother who's in the air
force. I'm super proud of him. He just got back from Iraq for his second
"Tour of Duty" (garbage, no one should be over there in the first place) And
finally there's my sister. She's the one I worry about the most. I know she'd
be the first one in my family I would come out to, just because. There's
really no real reason. But I'm most afraid of her comment about it because
she was one of those hardcore jesus believers who was brain washed by a fellow
jesus believer that gays aren't allow because "god said so" Although, over
the last year and a half she has changed her views on a lot of things, I'm
not sure what her stand point of homosexuality is. She used to be very
hypocritical of everyone and everything, due to the fact that she was such a
strong believer of the greater power known as "God." As an atheist our
differences clashed constantly. For a while they tore us farther and farther
apart. Now that she doesn't live at home anymore we're slowly getting back
to the way we used to be when we'd have to share a room and knew what each
others farts smelt like before one even farted. (sorry, had to throw a laugh
and a chuckle in there somewhere) So to wrap up this topic, I guess we could
say my family is a major concern to me.
I could possibly sit here all night and argue some more with myself, but that's
what my brain is for, isn't it?