I seem to be split in two. I'm glad my mother's not in pain anymore, but I'm terrified of a life without her. I don't want to be the grown-up anymore. I know that sounds selfish, but I just want to be able to laugh and have fun without worrying about every little thing. I want people to stop apologizing to me, like they broke my favorite toy or something. We finally bought clothes for the memorial service tomorrow. I still don't think it's set in yet, but I know it will. It's so surreal right now, like any moment I'm going to wake up and this will all be a dream. But I know that's not true. I don't know why but I am already truly accepting my mother's death. I feel like a fraud though, like I don't really care about her death. I'm almost deflated, out of feelings. Like there's nothing there inside my chest. I feel like the Corpse Bride, my heart doesn't beat but it's breaking. I'm a fraud I guess, unable to feel or care about my mother.