Dichotomy of the Soul

Icarus's picture

I seem to be split in two. I'm glad my mother's not in pain anymore, but I'm terrified of a life without her. I don't want to be the grown-up anymore. I know that sounds selfish, but I just want to be able to laugh and have fun without worrying about every little thing. I want people to stop apologizing to me, like they broke my favorite toy or something. We finally bought clothes for the memorial service tomorrow. I still don't think it's set in yet, but I know it will. It's so surreal right now, like any moment I'm going to wake up and this will all be a dream. But I know that's not true. I don't know why but I am already truly accepting my mother's death. I feel like a fraud though, like I don't really care about her death. I'm almost deflated, out of feelings. Like there's nothing there inside my chest. I feel like the Corpse Bride, my heart doesn't beat but it's breaking. I'm a fraud I guess, unable to feel or care about my mother.

Comments

Lost Angry Youth's picture

i just deleted one of my post

i just deleted one of my posts after reading yours.
mine seemed soo selfish in contrast to what you are going
through.it reminds me that there is a bigger world outside
the computer screen and theres no time for bullshit.

Icarus's picture

Awww, you don't have to feel

Awww, you don't have to feel like that! Trust me, I can be pretty selfish when I feel like it. Just try to experience life as much as you can.

Lotsa love,
Bekka

"Where the hell is Nebraska?!"

You might never find out that you are useful for all the right reasons - and not all those stupid things that people tell you you're useful for. --Angelina Jolie