I cried today

Dim's picture

I’m back to scratch.

I have nothing really, and more importantly, no one. I’m fifteen now, and as every day passes, I get increasingly depressed from not having anyone to care about, no social life, and no experience. I just feel like the years I’ve lived so far have been a total waste of time. God, like all my friends have had someone, even my most hopeless an unattractive friends. I simply never bothered, since I didn’t like girls. Period. It was that easy. I thought it silly to rush things, and that someone would turn up before long. Well guess what: no one has. I feel totally and utterly alone. Why? I mean, it’s not fucking fair. It’s like I’ve built a wall around my heart.

I cried today. For the first time in years. Just from thinking.

No one cares too. Like, the people I’ve told so far have accepted me, but not understood me at all. I can’t talk to them about my frustrations or feelings. And when I meet other guys on the net in a similar situation, I just end up helping them with their problems, without talking about my own. It’s really taxing.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so down before. Things were going okay for a short while back there, but when I think of it, they really were not. I guess I just chose to ignore my situation, and accept my fate, whatever it is. Well, it’s not working anymore. I can’t be a victim of truce with my own feelings. I have to confront them. But I don’t really see how. It’s like everything is closing in on me; time, space, the walls. Swelling. It’s not fair.

...

DIm

Comments

Sesshoumaru s male lover's picture

You have us that is something

You have us that is something right?
"The true goal of sex is not enjoyment
,but Pain" The Marquis de Sade.

Patch's picture

I get this feeling alot. Bes

I get this feeling alot. Best thing to do is find something to get into. For me, it is anything sad. Sarah Mclachlan, film noir, modernism. you know, depressing stuff. You also should get involved in the community. Not your town community, the gay community. All you need to do is want to participate, and I bet they'll gladly accept you.

"What is the purpose of life? It is to create our own purpose."

devildog's picture

You're not alone, I've often

You're not alone, I've often felt that way. There really is no cure except what you do to heal yourself. Opening yourself up to people is excruciating, but it's worth it. I'm much happier I did. Yet there will always be times of sadness. I believe everyone goes through a cycle of ups and downs in their life. All you can really do is wade them out and get support.

I've personally never had a date, and sometimes this does bother me. I go to a school and a church where all people my age are closeted. It sucks. But I believe if you try to take that wall from your heart, suddenly more people will be there for you.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Oscar Wilde

This always leads to interesting conversations on my part!