I dont even know...

rainbowboi's picture

I feel like my life is getting so much worse now that I've come out. I just don't like who I am anymore or something. I'm not even sure what it is. It's not that I've been mistreated or anything, but I just feel like it's almost harder now. The other day i started crying, which i never do. Like, never. It was sooo weird. It was at my brother's eagle court of honor for boy scouts and i don't know if it was because of the speech he was giving or because i was the thinking about being gay in scouts or what. It was just so strange. and earlier that morning i had almost started crying just singing a song in my head. Plus, my dad's in town and he doesnt know im gay yet, so i feel like im hiding it from him which i guess i am. I'm just not as happy as i used to be...i keep feeling more depressed.. I've even thought about cutting, which it totally not me at all. I dont' know what's wrong with me...i just don't like me. I used to love who i was and be totally happy with it, but not anymore. its not just the gay thing either, its so much more. I feel like im just a really mean person, but i dont want to be. I'm just so frustrated. And my mom is bugging me too about the whole gay thing. And my whole boyfriend dilemma...that was a bitch. Just so much shit is happening and i dont like it. and then i feel like im asexual which a huge issue becuase its like questioning if you're gay. then that makes me think that maybe im not gay because im not turned on by guys as much anymore, but im not turned on by anyone. I think my stupid boyfriend problem really fucked me up. whatever. I need to get back to my homework...just had to let that all out. I feel better now.

Lowell

Comments

adbak's picture

You could feel more emotional

You could feel more emotional because you've exposed yourself to others. It could be that you feel insecure from people knowing about you and that makes you feel vulnerable as well. It happens to everyone, I'm sure. It certainly happened to me. Hang tough, Lowell, it's a battle but a battle worth fighting.

Uncertain's picture

Hang in there

You're always so happy in front of me, and I look up to you and talked to you for guidance when I'm feeling down. It feels like I've reversed roles with you and I don't know how to get this to you, but I just want to tell you that I care and want you to stay strong and happy.

We get emotional all the time but I'm not trying to talk you out of your bad feelings. Crying is perfectly natural for outletting your feelings. I'm sure quite a few of us do it, I definitely do it too. You might just be feeling a little uptight after telling others your real self. I'm sure things will get better.

Remember the times you said you were happy because you saw how open I was? Now I understand how you actually feel. It's mutual. Cheer up a little, and next time you feel a bit low just try and catch me on AIM. I'll be your beating doll. Like adbak said, it's a fight worth fighting for and I'll be your shield.

=]