something tells me i made a potentially big mistake.
just told my girlfriend that we talked too much to each other and i started going off on a tangent about all this 'over exposure' stuff.i guess i just felt backed into a corner... and she was a victim??
maybe its all in my head.
but we did talk too often. yeah we talked EVERYday for like about 3hrs or more and when i was at school with her.. duh i'd hang out with her- which was cool i guess- then i'd get home n she'd wanna talk more...
woah- what more was there left to say?
what did she want me to say?
sometimes i feel like i'm being used- not by her (necessarily) but especially by my friends who also LOVE to talk to me for hours on end (god help my soul)just to fucken...drain me. i always feel drained.
like all they want is for me to be 'funny' and fun and supportive and to constantly be a friggin quasi-entertainer... i dunno anymore-
i dunno who my real friends are no more-
the people who can bear me when i'm in a totally shit mood?...i dunno.
why am i taking all of this out on my girlfriend? maybe i'm not right? what more did she want me to say?
maybe i'm just afraid to talk to her.
i've reached that point where she knows my every word, gesture, sound and what used to be weird aint so weird anymore...
maybe i'm scared that what used to be spontaneous wont be so spontaneous any more... or worse still my one 'gift'- what would be funny wont be so funny no more.
then what will we talk about??
what kind sick reverse psychology/behaviour am i runnin here?... where i abandon out of fear of abandonment?
i have issues.
issues that do govern my life- that i believe to be 'beyond my control' though i know that my belief is completely wrong because i'm sure i can control it- but its easier to believe a lie than fight for a truth- its the human condition. 'i'm only human'- no... maybe i should call her?
no... not a good idea.
because if i call her then i'll say something i do not understand let alone mean ( too early) - like "oh baby, i'm sorry, was talking out my bum... please can we get back to normal again etc..."-
no, i need to understand this first.
the first step to purely comprehending a problem/situation is to acknowledge its presence.. okay- done.
god i need a manual- please could somebody out there just give me a print out of a life manual- i dunno- something titled "how to live..." or something to that effect- god i'm pathetic- i need how to guides for everything.
ah or a map would do fine.
or even a little catalogue...or a life brochure.
the scariest thing about life is living it.
i hate the way i fake to be 'extreme' and 'cool' or watever- i kinda suck at it though- i just a regular 18 year old posing as a ... i dont even know what i'm posing as... i dont deserve to be gay.
because gay=honesty... i'm hardly honest- not even with myself.
this lack of honesty is not out of malicious intent though- but purely out of my lack of knowledge of what the true true true truth is to begin with... to end with... to live with.
woo lets do it.
hmm should i call her?
and say what?
ah whatever let me focus on school or something... no.
i dont want to keep running away from shit-
okay lets confront this bitch- bring it on reality... i'm ready for ya bitch!