Why is it that when you're in the shower you do some of
your best and most clear thinking? All day, everyday my
mind runs wild with thoughts of when, how and to who I
should come out to. When I stand in the shower I find peace
within myself. For that momment I am able to answer those
few questions about my sexuality with clear cut answers.
I'm ready to come out.
It's too late right now, but tomorrow I'm going to give my friend,
Sam a call. I'm ready to come out to her. Hopefully she'll be free
either Friday or Saturday sometime. I have faith in myself to open
up this part of my life to her. I know she won't enjoy it, but in June
she wants me to move to Iowa with her. I am absolutely willing to
do so, but if I do I need her to be okay with who I am. It's not asking
too much out of anyone, is it?
I never thought I'd be able to come clean to anyone about this part
of my life. Let alone the one friend who I know isn't too fond of
lesbians. I know I'm not, but sometimes I make myself believe that I
am a disappointment to everyone. Or at least that I'll become a disappointment
to everyone when I do come out. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but
it's a feeling; something we really can't control.
When I was 15 or so I took a couple handfuls of asprine and washed them
down with nitequil. It didn't taste very great, and I didn't do it because
I wanted to die. I wanted it to stop hurting. I went up to my room after
taking that great mixture of pills and horribly nasty nitequil, and I was
out cold for almost 18 hours. My totally oblivious family thought nothing
of it. They still don't know that I cut myself and I've stopped that about
4 or 5 years ago now, but not once did they question why I was wearing long
sleeves in 85+ degree weather.
They're like that with my sexuality also.
I wear rainbow rubber bands on my wrist.
I have multiple drawings laying openly in my room containing rainbow flags
and the rainbow colors. I have a copy of that TIME article laying at the
end of my bed, in the open, that they have never even tried to read.
The 4 books I ordered off of Barnes and Noble are all about gays and lesbians,
oh and guess what! They didn't even ask me what kinds of books I ordered.
I comment about certain famous women being hot, they think I'm kidding. But
I say it with only true seriousness in my voice. No sarcasm out of my mouth
on a subject, for once.
I don't know if their oblivion is because they really don't realize it, or
just because they don't want to realize that I am gay. I mean, I haven't told
them yet that I am a lesbian, but you'd think with all the things that I have
in my room, out in the open, that they'd put two and two together. Occasionally,
it makes me want to cry. It really does irk me.
I have never been great with words in person. I get diarrhea of the mouth. I'm
not good with public speaking. I'm not good with laying my feelings out on the
table for everyone to nit-pick at. I live in my own world. My own space. I'm good
with words on paper. I'm good at helping others who lay their feelings out on the
I'm sick of feeling alone in my own world. Alone in the sense of being alienated
from my friends. I don't want there to be anything else that I have holding over
my head that makes me different from my friends. One step at at time, I guess.
I need the respect that I know my friends can give, but I don't know if they're
able to give that respect on such a huge subject like homosexuality.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *if only I could scream like that now*