(Not So) Beautiful Oblivion

saves_the_day's picture

Why is it that when you're in the shower you do some of
your best and most clear thinking? All day, everyday my
mind runs wild with thoughts of when, how and to who I
should come out to. When I stand in the shower I find peace
within myself. For that momment I am able to answer those
few questions about my sexuality with clear cut answers.

I'm ready to come out.

It's too late right now, but tomorrow I'm going to give my friend,
Sam a call. I'm ready to come out to her. Hopefully she'll be free
either Friday or Saturday sometime. I have faith in myself to open
up this part of my life to her. I know she won't enjoy it, but in June
she wants me to move to Iowa with her. I am absolutely willing to
do so, but if I do I need her to be okay with who I am. It's not asking
too much out of anyone, is it?

I never thought I'd be able to come clean to anyone about this part
of my life. Let alone the one friend who I know isn't too fond of
lesbians. I know I'm not, but sometimes I make myself believe that I
am a disappointment to everyone. Or at least that I'll become a disappointment
to everyone when I do come out. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but
it's a feeling; something we really can't control.

When I was 15 or so I took a couple handfuls of asprine and washed them
down with nitequil. It didn't taste very great, and I didn't do it because
I wanted to die. I wanted it to stop hurting. I went up to my room after
taking that great mixture of pills and horribly nasty nitequil, and I was
out cold for almost 18 hours. My totally oblivious family thought nothing
of it. They still don't know that I cut myself and I've stopped that about
4 or 5 years ago now, but not once did they question why I was wearing long
sleeves in 85+ degree weather.

They're like that with my sexuality also.

I wear rainbow rubber bands on my wrist.
I have multiple drawings laying openly in my room containing rainbow flags
and the rainbow colors. I have a copy of that TIME article laying at the
end of my bed, in the open, that they have never even tried to read.
The 4 books I ordered off of Barnes and Noble are all about gays and lesbians,
oh and guess what! They didn't even ask me what kinds of books I ordered.
I comment about certain famous women being hot, they think I'm kidding. But
I say it with only true seriousness in my voice. No sarcasm out of my mouth
on a subject, for once.

I don't know if their oblivion is because they really don't realize it, or
just because they don't want to realize that I am gay. I mean, I haven't told
them yet that I am a lesbian, but you'd think with all the things that I have
in my room, out in the open, that they'd put two and two together. Occasionally,
it makes me want to cry. It really does irk me.

I have never been great with words in person. I get diarrhea of the mouth. I'm
not good with public speaking. I'm not good with laying my feelings out on the
table for everyone to nit-pick at. I live in my own world. My own space. I'm good
with words on paper. I'm good at helping others who lay their feelings out on the
table.

I'm sick of feeling alone in my own world. Alone in the sense of being alienated
from my friends. I don't want there to be anything else that I have holding over
my head that makes me different from my friends. One step at at time, I guess.

I need the respect that I know my friends can give, but I don't know if they're
able to give that respect on such a huge subject like homosexuality.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *if only I could scream like that now*

Comments

pup4588's picture

I understand

First off, you're right, you ARE an amazing writer. The way your words are so fluid and eloquent, the words themselves and what they say send chills down my spine. Believe me when I say I understand all you wrote... well, not all of it, as my opinion is since everybody's different, no human experiences are the same, and as such no human can ever completely come to understand another... but I swear I am as close as anyone else will ever get.

You know, honestly, today is my first day here in this forum. Today, at 17, I came out to my mom for the first time after fighting against it for so long--try at least two years. And that was after a stress-induced major depression originating from this very topic. My mother, bless her, is encouraging me to reach out to other people out there, to convince myself that I am not the only one going through this phase of sometimes shame and self-loathing.

So anyways, I finally know what it's like to come out to someone, so let me share my experience in case you could benefit from it. First off, my mother is about as radical as you can get. If this was the sixties she'd be wearing tie-dye t-shirts and singing "Koom-bay-yah". Instead, she is VERY involved in her type of church called Unity Community, which ACCEPTS gay and lesbian couples without question... and despite all this I was still nervous and it took forever to fight off the butterflies in my stomach and just get up the nerve to tell her.

I got out the brochures. It was awkward. There were long silences. Thank God for my two Golden Retrievers who would act up and distract us when things got too serious. Long story short: it was painful, but it was worth it. You absolutely NEED to have a confidant. Keeping it all bottled up inside is just NOT healthy. Take it from me, I've lived most of the mental disorders down with it as a triggering factor.

I think you're increadibly brave to tell your friend. See, now that's something I'm not sure I'll ever have the guts to do. Maybe when I go off to college a few states away I'll have the courage to leave her a letter which says: SURPRISE! Maybe she already knows, my mom did. Problem is I happen to have been crushing over this best female friend for ages now, which is humiliating enough it its own turn. She's completely straight and thinks I am too. So I have to grit my teeth real hard every time she asks a guy out, and even harder when she's refused.

The point, if there is a point, is that at least you're not attached like that to your friend. Because you do need someone to help with the emotional support but you're also going to need someone that, if they turn you down, you'll be able to get up, walk away, and look somewhere else for it. I promise it'll come.

Last but not least, I totally understand the parent thing. My parents have been divorced for ages it seems. And my father lives in a little dream land, sometimes I swear it! An actual golf course that's secluded in a valley, all white and old... ick! I could never do it. If racism still runs amuck there what do you think the homophobia would be like? And I mean, my dad and step mom are the "if it hurts, just smile through the pain" type people. Completely oblivious. I think I'll have to marry a woman and then proceed to make-out with said woman IN FRONT of them to get the point across. And then my wife and I would have to run for our lives most likely... Maybe some people should be left out of the loop for a while.

So, hope something of what I said helps. If not, well, hehe, it was a good outlet for me. Thanks. If you ever want to talk or anything, give me an e-mail at: pup4588@aol.com

Hope everything goes well with the friend... probably a good thing to break it to her BEFORE you move in together, just in case there is a real problem.

Good luck!

Sincerley,
Isabelle

~*~*~*~

"It's lucky for you, my man... or you would find yourself in
Queer Street."

-Inspector Lestrade, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's "Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Second Stain"

somethingofvalue's picture

I'm not sure whether your par

I'm not sure whether your parents are oblivious or in denial, but I can see how it hurts you. I can relate to what you've been doing, though. I used to take bottles and bottles of Advil to stop hurting inside. I also used to cut myself but I did it where no one could see. They still don't know. My parents know I'm gay, but my Dad never talks about it and my Mom hates my girlfriend. I also feel like a disappointment to people a lot. A LOT.

But being gay is all right. We just need to stick together so that no one feels like they're alone. *Sends hugs*

~Kry