Reflections

Dim's picture

So I've known I was gay for a little over a year now, and though it has brought me more in touch with myself in terms of my identity, it has also been the main source to my problems.

Before I knew, when people would ask me about girls, I would just say there wasn't anyone at the moment. -On occation, I would lie and say there was. (But that is beside the point) The thing is, I thought my interest in girls, both sexual and emotional, would blossom in due time. But rounding 15, I slowly but surely began to realize that my passion for girls wasn't suddenly going to pop out of no where, and awaken the lover inside me. Being somewhat analythical and contemplating, I had in my mind eliminated girls, and was now left with the only other candiadate, namely guys. Admittably, my sexual fantasies had mainly revolved around guys in the past, but I had supressed it as soon as I became aware of what exactly it was I was thinking. I was also making continuous attempts to supress any feminine tendensies in my behavior, which, as I grew older, was becoming increasingly hard to do.

But coming to terms with my gayness also raised a lot of tough questions, like: "Why can't I just be like everryone else? What will happen if I tell anyone? Am I going to lose my friends?"

My mom being a lesbian also wrought havoc upon my emotions. I still worry that people are going to blame her... Anyways, true to my peronality, I began to do some research, and ended up here on Oasis after a lot of surfing. To my delight, I found anwers to some of my questions just after a short while on this site: "I can't be like eveyone else, and I shouldn't have to be either. This is who I am, regardless of what anyone tells me or what I desire to believe. Anything could have turned me gay, or I might have been from the moment I came into being; I don't care. The important thing is that I am, and it is just something I will have to accept, as will the people in my life."

After that, my depression began to dwindle. I made some new friends, as I stopped shutting people out. I could look at guys without getting stressed out from getting turned on. I had a few crushes. Generally, I became a happier person. I even warmed up to the thought of telling someone! Then, after a lot of soul-searching, I finally did. I told one of my male friends, and he took it wonderfully, although he was a little surprised. After having tried being out to one of my friends, I feel like I want to tell everyone.

Dim