the reawakening

Andrewgirl3's picture

THere is nothing like running in the late October drizzle at night. It's a feeling of freedom. THe fall smells pleasantly assult my sense, deep ones like leaves and smoke and almost-snow. I'm starting to get back to normal after the past few months-what I suppose is normal, but the questions I had before are coming up again. What actually prompted me to write in this again is not guilt for neglecting it for so long, but my recent watching of the Starship Galatica series, -which by the way, is really cool-and mooning over Starbuck- the really hot pilot. I'm not sure I want to open the can of worms I was exploring last year again, but I am just confused. Gay-bi-straight? THis is not my first crush on a girl-or girl actress for that matter, but I have no idea how I feel about guys. Am I just late in developing feelings for guys? Do I like them somewhat. I think I would rather be one end of the spectrum than in the middle because liking both sexes seems like it would complicate things even more. know eventually time will work everything out, but it's so hard dealing with the now. I want an easy answer. I demand an easy answer!~and now whoever is up there who pulls the strings is laughing at me because we both no better. Even if I just did end of liking girls I still am confused. I crush on actresses like Katee Sackhoff (Starbuck) who are butch-ish, and am attracted to butch-looking girls, but I am most like a butch myself. I wrestle for school, wear guys clothes... And then sometimes I crush on total girls. Blark*annoyance*. Question: Since I am certifiably insane now and have a psychiatrist (I can't spell!) about my questioning- but there is the questions of her feelings about GLTBQ and if she would tell my Dad. I do want someone to talk with about it, but is it not a good idea when you are not positive about your orientation to talk to a shrink about it? This is semi-rhetorical so I won't feel bad if no one answers. I can always jush hash out my feeling here, while waiting them to decide, but there is that allure of having a flesh and blood person with advice.
and now im going to go stare at a couple more pictures of Katee Sackhoff as Starbuck and contemplate ;)

Comments

saavedro's picture

I like Starbuck too!!! wow. I

I like Starbuck too!!! wow. I thought i was the only one who watched that amazing show and swooned over that amazing actress. AAAH. go starbuck!

"'The place where you came from ain't there anymore, and where you had in mind to go is cancelled out...'" (Oates 30).

-Julie

Andrewgirl3's picture

Starbuck

okay so then I have to ask you a question: Do you like Starbuck with long hair or short hair?

"Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest."

saavedro's picture

starbuck's hair

Hmm...I really liked her with short hair. It also looked good when she was growing it out, but I'm not so wild about her wearing it pulled back.
"'The place where you came from ain't there anymore, and where you had in mind to go is cancelled out...'" (Oates 30).

-Julie

Andrewgirl3's picture

short hair

Definitly have to agree with you there. I haven't seen much of the second season yet, since we just got the first on DVD, but I don't reaaly like her onger hair either.

"Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest."

sugarmagnolia's picture

i think figuring out sexualit

i think figuring out sexuality varies for everyone. I know I wasn't sure till just recently, and I'm almost 20. There's no set of rules for when it comes to attraction. hang in there though, we're all here for you, and it'll work out. as for speaking with your psychiatrist about it, whatever you say should be confidential, unless it endangers yourself or other people. try checking with your doctor, they probably have a written copy of their confidentiality code somewhere that you could read. doctors of any kind aren't suppose to discuss patients with anyone else, it would violeat their code of ethics. hopefully that helps.

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

the mouse that roared's picture

:)

You're back! And I've come back, too, sort of, except I'm not really writing, just reading when I want a queer community to escape to. It's nice to see a familiar face again.

About your re-questioning and re-opening cans of worms, I don't know so much what to say. Except to calm down and wait. Always to calm down and wait it out. Let yourself be what you are, whatever you feel like you are in the moment. Let go of stereotypes. You can be butch and like butch girls, or femme girls, or guys, or whoever. You can be genderqueer. Anything is possible, anything is okay, and trying to label yourself without giving yourself time is probably not going to work out so well.

I'm sorry we lost touch last year. I would say we should start emailing again, but I'm afraid I've let down most of my pen pals. I'm just too busy. But I'm glad you're posting again, so we can still sort of keep in touch.

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser