age lapse?

joshr's picture

I would think this is a very odd subject, but I'm developing quite a dilemma.. You see, I’ve not once had a relationship with a guy, always been an introvert. I noticed when I was gay when certain guys would just overwhelm me at school and I’d just stare at them behind their back, common things like that. But I went through all of HS with no friends, no relationships, just oblivion.. Now I’m 23, a student, and still have no one. Whenever I bump into ‘acquaintances’ women always tell me I’m cute and ask why I am not seeing anyone. It’s really frustrating, but here’s the killer: I don’t feel any affinity towards a guy that’s over 18. Like when I’m at a mall I’m overwhelmed when I see teenaged guys, especially those skaters on my street!
I don’t understand it at all. It’s a pretty deep issue and I’ve been very turbulent over the years which are a story in its own. No way am I going throw away a grand to talk to a crack pot shrink who could care less about me. And damn me if I turn into some perv..

I found this forum snooping around on google and noticed all the activity and was wondering if there was anyone out there that’s going through this crisis. I mean, this sort of thing will shackle me from any possible happiness for the rest of my life..

jeff's picture

Very normal...

I went through the same thing, and many people do.

Here's the idea. This will all be my story, but probably very adaptable to your situation.

By not dating, not having all the normal socializations that you are supposed to have as a teenager, you sort of put part of your life on pause. When you do that, though, parts of your life are out of step with one another. So, you are a 23 year old guy now, but emotionally you sort of haven't progressed past 15 or so, when you first started repressing feelings and/or not acting on them.

So, when you think of what is "attractive" to you, it still registers from when you hit pause. So, the physical 23 year old is into his emotional teenaged "peers," who are actually on a similar level to him, although the law is a little strict about this, and basically, it is illegal.

All you do is start dating guys who are like 19-20, maybe, and over time, your emotional side will play "catch-up" with the physical side.

So, you're (most likely) not a perv, just someone who lusted after their teenaged peers, did nothing about it but put your life on hold and avoid it, and by doing so, never really stopping wanting to date your teenaged peers.

For me, this only started changing with dating. Now, I almost don't even want any guy in his 20s, 33-37 is perfect. Of course, I still use my own age as the high-end limit of who I'll date, but I think that's just a guy thing. Heh.

joshr's picture

Thanks jeff for the reply. Ye

Thanks jeff for the reply. Yes I do wish I could have experienced my teenage years instead of obscuring every day as if it never happened. Yet to even try to help myself I still can’t socialize at all.. I had really messed up parents, and terrible rep during my school years to thank for that I suppose..
But it’s weird; I don’t exactly find masculinity appealing. Not to be obscene or anything I can like metaphor a teen guy into similarities as a women. For instance: smaller height (5’4-5’8, build (110-140 lbs), and smooth skin is a perfect profile of which sets me off (I’m 5’6 and 130lbs). But never the less feminine facial features turn me completely off..
Trying to understand myself which is difficult to do since it’s self-feedback, and there’s so much I’m confused about regarding relationships (obviously since I never had one). But I did have sex one time with a guy my age which was a year and a half ago. I was dismayed to say the least since I didn’t enjoy my first time since the guy was unattractive (lucky him).
There is one guy I know (online) for like 4 years that’s 22yo and is completely hot to me, but he looks 16, and is straight...

jeff's picture


Seems like you are still going out of your way to not find what you claim to want, though.

The hot guys your age you know and want are straight.

The guys who are younger (read: jailbait) have to meet a certain criteria (the bodies of women with the faces/genitals of men).

I'd say it's time to stop addressing/defining your patterns and start to break out of them. Go to a gay bar, join some gay men's social group. Basically, take your natural instinct, and then don't follow it, since it hasn't really done any good for you so far.

Also, don't think three steps away from where you are now, this isn't chess. There is no need for you to know about relationships, you aren't about to start one. You need to learn about dating. Dating leads to a relationship, but usually not right off the bat. If you aren't ready for dating, explore why you aren't ready to put yourself out there to date and fix that (and, no, the issue is never someone else, it's always you).

Good book to work through things is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. More info on her at