i really need to stop being attracted to my best friend. this just isn't working out well. i'm pretty sure she's straight, but my stupid brain won't leave me alone. recently, this guy said he liked her, and she turned him down, but had been considering it at first. so this is how my brain works
*rational part* she's straight, she's just a friend, stop this nonsense
*irrational part* if she'd just move over a little bit so that she was leaning on me.... that'd be perfect, she's so pretty
*rational part* i said no, she's probably straight, and you haven't even come out to her yet, this isn't fair to her
*irrational* well, maybe she turned down the guy because she's secretly attracted to me, maybe she is gay but hasn't said anything
and so on.
it's been difficult. i want to tell her i'm gay, but every attempt has been thwarted. we'll be hanging out in my room, and just as i'm getting up the nerve, she's do something silly like hit me with a pillow. and then last night, i tried to get her to go for coffee with me, and just then our other friends stopped by to hang out and watch movies. and this weekend, she's off when i'm working, and vice verso, so we won't be seeing each other. eventually though.
getting over the attraction is the hardest part. i really want to do that but haven't been able to. last night, we were watching the movie, and she was sitting right next to me on the couch, and she shifted her weight and moved just close enough to brush my arm, so i spent a nice block of time unable to breath or form cohesive thought, with just chills running through me. this needs to end, i need to be able to function normally again. oh man. oh well.