But I'm A Creep

devildog's picture

I listen to a lot of Radiohead B-sides from their early days, this is one of my favourites. It's better than the electric version of Creep. More raw. I need raw at the moment; I feel like I want to sink my teeth into some rotten emotion filled heart. Where is the sense in that? None. You don't feel alive, or well, or human. You feel numb and motionless, or rather you're moving so fast that the world shatters to a still. Anxiety does that to you, it seems. I'm really afraid. Today, I think my anxiety has come back...I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a panci attack. Oh God, you know that feeling? It happened today.

Tomorrow I'm signed up to lead prayer in religion class. I had it all planned out, and I was trying to burn a mix of mine for a meditation I was going to lead. Well, it wasn't working, and I just lost it. Everything seemed to go out of control and I just started screaming at the top of my lungs. My mom had to come in and make me go to my room to calm down, and fixed the problem for me. God, I'm not even calm. I feel so sick and out of power inside. I've stupidly disenfranchised myself yet again. I've given Rose all the power of my happiness as my best friend, and I feel like she's not accepting me or dealing with me at all. It's the little things, too many to mention. I'm just so angry at her.

I woke up depressed this morning out of no fault of my own. There was just a millstone round my neck when I woke up. What is wrong with my head? I just want to fucking slap my stupid hormones, they're shit.

I don't want to sound self-pitying, I don't think I am. I have legitimate reasons to be angry. This morning I talked to the school counselor about it, who I really am liking. I just take on too much, I give too much and everyone thinks I need nothing back. It's a complex me and my mom share. Everyone thinks we're so competent and smart and wonderful-when this is news to us, believe me. God, I want acceptance and healing, man, but no one can seem to give that to me except my mother.

Middle school was Hell. I have yet to get over that experience. This is why I have no pity for bullies and wish they were dead. I was a small sixth grader, frightened, with no friends out of an unfortunate chain of events, and all the fucking assholes came at the fresh scent of blood. They threw rocks at my head, verbally harassed me when I walked by, left awful messages on my answering machine. I have macular degeneration and am visually impaired, as well as legally blind, and you know what they said? "You can't see shit, you four eyed..." and I couldn't make out the rest. It's sad I still remember it.

I'm so afraid I'll have a panic attack. I can feel the nerves just building up inside me. As my mom said, I haven't got any of the benefits of being gay yet, just the shit. It's all so stupid, these hoops you have to go through when coming out, as if there's something wrong with you. When it's everyone else who's crazy and fucked up. God, it isn't fair. I'm just so mad at God now. I have clinical depression, am legally blind, and gay.

You'd be surprised how much shit I have to deal with with all three.

I have so much to give, but there's no one to give it back to me, no one who has my amount of experience and depth. Even my mom agrees with me on this. There's always college...

Fuck, I'm tired of having to wait for college.

~Sam

Comments

the mouse that roared's picture

:(

Keep your chin up. Things will start to get better. It might take some time, but this will blow over, too. Life can get happier, even in high school. It seems really bad now, but it will get better. People will get past you coming out, you will eventually get over being depressed. In the meantime, you can rant here as much as you want.

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser

devildog's picture

Thanks:). Hopefully things wi

Thanks:). Hopefully things will start looking up.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

ACCgirl's picture

.

Man. You know, you have every right to be angry and frustrated and fed up with life. Everyone feels that, and from reading your previous posts I would not think you're being self-pitying at all. Emotions are emotions; writing is writing. Seems like when people write about "happy things," they're well-adjusted, and when people write about depressing things (just as real and essential to the human code of emotions), they're angsty or self-pitying.

You have every right to be angry. We're here to read about it, and I hope better things come your way soon. And they will. :)

devildog's picture

Thanks; it's nice to know oth

Thanks; it's nice to know others understand!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

sugarmagnolia's picture

**hug** hang in there, it'll

**hug** hang in there, it'll get better. things are darkest before the dawn (that's what my mom tells me, at least). I was in a similar situation as far as the bullying goes, they're relentless. it's hurtful that your friend rose isn't more supportive, but you'll meet people who are, and hopefully once she works through whatever personal issues she seems to be dealing with, she'll be a better friend. as far as the bullying goes, my personal favorite is my friend's approach, which is to not credit their presense except to flip them off. and there's always "go fuck yourself, no one else will" though she was much bolder than most. anyway, i'm starting to babble... maybe you could try something like at the beginning of each month setting a finite limit on how much you agree to take on (something like: nothing that will require more than 15 hrs a week) and then really stick to it. it's ok to say no to people, though it's very hard. i hate the homophobia, really, how can loving someone be so terrible? one thing i've always found to have a good calming effect is franny and zooey by j.d. salinger. just something about it...

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"