Kirika's picture

I'm a junior in highschool and it seems like everyone is pressuring me to make
all of these huge desicions about my life. One of my friends just spent like
three hours screaming at me on friday about how I am totally fucking my life
up because I dont spend all my time studying like she does. I mean I didn't take it
that seriously because she is like obsessed with getting into grad school, and
we are not even out of high school yet. Plus sheis taking three math classes,the
hardest ones, I mean come on. But it did make me start thinking more about my future.
You see, thething it made me realize is how badly I wish I wasn't gay, I mean I've
pretty much got my life planned out. I know that I am probably going to major in
accounting, and that I will probably take over our family farm, which is
what my parents want me to do. I really just want to be normal. I have spent my
entire life searching for safety and security in everything, but the more I
think about it the more I realize how badly this fits with the rest of my plans.
I mean, I really want to get married and have kids, but no matter how hard I try
I can only ever see myself marrying a girl, and in my hometown that would most
likely never happen. It is all white and I know of at least three people who
have lost their jobs due to their boss becoming suspicios that they were gay.
One of them was completely straight. It just wouldn't work. I have even gone as far as
looking into Exodus, one of the ex-gay ministries, but I am not christion so I
really don't think it would work for me. Its just like, I have so many options
and I want to choose the one that is safe, which would involve me somehow turning
myself straight, but I am pretty sure that thats not possible, ahich means I have to take risks.
I just always have this feeling that I am a disappointment to my family, that by
being gay I am somehow dishonoring them. I know that it is a part of who I am
and usually I am pretty proud of it. I mean I am out of the closet and I am
pretty open about saying who I am attracted to. If I like someone, unless its one
of my long unrequited love things, I usually just tell the person. But the more I think
about the future the more I think that I am a freak, fundementally wrong on a very basic level,
and that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I don't post on this site very
often because usually I talk through my problems with my two best friends, but I know that
they would never understand the issue. One of them believes that being gay is a
choice. She says that the choice is as valid as any other but if you really wanted to
you could change it, so I know she would never understand, and the other would be
like why the hell do you want to be straight anyway, being gay is the best. Girls rule.
So you can see why they might not understand. I just am very confused. I think that
maybe I should give this whole planning my life out thing a rest, after all I have
written my college list, and that is all I need to do right now so I should just tell
them to leave me alone about it. Its all very confusing. Its like I am pretty sure I know
who I am, I don't always like who I am but thats not the point. I know what I want out of life
but these things don't seem to mesh well. I mean I always wanted to go into research,
that was my lifes dream, but I'm just not good at it so I am going for safer options.
One of the things I know about myself Is that if thereare too options, one that is more gratifying
and another that is safer, I will always choose the safer one, but being gay adds an
element of risk that I just don't like.


FlyflewAway's picture

i think your just going through a hard time right now

take calm breaths and just don't lread yourself into a break down
so u have your priorities straight but just relax and eventually
things will lead u from one thing to the other
as for the being gay thing and u dont want too do that
maybe your mind isnt just cooperating with how your heart
truly feels. sorry for that

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to, I'll do what I got to
The you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt - Tbs