theindigolemon's picture

God, my depression is screwing up my life. I never had very good social skill to begin with. I feel like crying all the time now, and when I was younger, I couldn't control it, but now I've learned to, so people don't know what's really going on, even thought I can't see how they can't. I'm always on the edge of breaking down, and that's not a very friendly state. It's starting to cost me friendships, and it may have cost me my girlfriend, though I think she had other issues. I want to be nicer, but it seems to me just to inevitably be fakeness and self-censorship. That's one of the reasons I'm so screwed up. I think it's from my parents divorce. I've cried on average about 3-4 times a week since then. That was five years ago, and every time I break a rule, or act the least bit unfriendly towards my mother or sister, or refuse to answer one of their nosy questions about whe I have a crush on, it's a competition between my parents. You'd rather be with him , wouldn't you? And the answer is yes. But if I say that, she'll take things away and punish me, and yell, and insult, and even hit me until I give in and apologize and take it back. And then she'll write it off to teen angst and become convinced I didn't mean any of it. I want to leave, but I'm afraid I'll just alienate my father to, and then I'll have no one. It's like I can never live with someone without coming to hate them. And I don't want to have any more conflict and change in my life. And I have no social life so I can get out of the house.