I've been thinking of this old Beatles song all day today, and it's very true-I desperately need somebody to love. I look at Martine (who I have a crush on), and I can feel the rush of blood and warmth through my body like a fiery bliss, and I just want to hold her and kiss her, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm too shy, too scared, too everything. I've somehow put her up on a pedestal, a goddess of cool. I'll look out the door and see her singing down the hallway and smile in pleasure, a pleasure with no release.
I sigh and move on, because she is not for me. And yet I want her.
Ever since I've accepted the fact that I'm gay, I can finally check out girls without feeling guilty and repressing the feeling. I'm making up for a time spent in sexual anonymity. The girls that walk past all seem desirable, and all seem straight. And I need someone, but there seems to be no one who needs me. It's getting to a point where sometimes I can't concentrate-the desire overtakes me.
Tonight will be a sleepless one.
Things with Rose have gotten better-we're comfortable with eachother again, I knew she would still be my friend. Yet she will not talk about what I said to her, and I know she must have feelings about it. But I'll let her go through her own process, she deserves her space. It took me years to accept I was gay, I can't expect her to get over it overnight.
Oh, but I have so much inspiration now, I feel my body teeming with it. But I've tired myself, and so I can't write! The story of Alex and Seth is like a bliss that I share with myself each day, and I am grateful I can have this time with them.
I put up part III last night, and I'm so glad so many people like it. It means a lot to me...it's so close to my heart and somewhat to my own life. And thanks for whoever put it up on the front page-you're very appreciated!
Ah, my coherence is waning, and so I must sleep...