Do you need anybody? I want somebody to love!

devildog's picture

I've been thinking of this old Beatles song all day today, and it's very true-I desperately need somebody to love. I look at Martine (who I have a crush on), and I can feel the rush of blood and warmth through my body like a fiery bliss, and I just want to hold her and kiss her, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm too shy, too scared, too everything. I've somehow put her up on a pedestal, a goddess of cool. I'll look out the door and see her singing down the hallway and smile in pleasure, a pleasure with no release.

I sigh and move on, because she is not for me. And yet I want her.

Ever since I've accepted the fact that I'm gay, I can finally check out girls without feeling guilty and repressing the feeling. I'm making up for a time spent in sexual anonymity. The girls that walk past all seem desirable, and all seem straight. And I need someone, but there seems to be no one who needs me. It's getting to a point where sometimes I can't concentrate-the desire overtakes me.

Tonight will be a sleepless one.

Things with Rose have gotten better-we're comfortable with eachother again, I knew she would still be my friend. Yet she will not talk about what I said to her, and I know she must have feelings about it. But I'll let her go through her own process, she deserves her space. It took me years to accept I was gay, I can't expect her to get over it overnight.

Oh, but I have so much inspiration now, I feel my body teeming with it. But I've tired myself, and so I can't write! The story of Alex and Seth is like a bliss that I share with myself each day, and I am grateful I can have this time with them.

I put up part III last night, and I'm so glad so many people like it. It means a lot to me...it's so close to my heart and somewhat to my own life. And thanks for whoever put it up on the front page-you're very appreciated!

Ah, my coherence is waning, and so I must sleep...

~Sam

Comments

Uncertain's picture

I know.. songs stir up emotio

I know.. songs stir up emotions sometimes... and sometimes you think the songs are speaking to/for you. Being gay makes me lonely too, I want to get this guy that I can care for and be with... and do things together. For you, maybe it's because people are not openly gay in the school because of the environment. Maybe once you start the GSA, more people lyke you will turn up and you may possibly continue a relationship from there. I know it sounds wierd that I'm saying to use the GSA as a means of 'dating'... but I suppose you get to know more people that are LGBT through it. Don't rush though, take your time and find the right person.

Yeah, I think Rose just needs some time. Time is an amazing thing... (okay, I'll stop here... I'm sounding like the old monks now O_O)

Writing is good for expressing emotions, thoughts and ideas. On top of that, you do a good job at writing neways. =]

> > "I'd rather have the heterosexual society changed than my homosexual child change" - Annonymous

devildog's picture

LOL, you don't sound like a m

LOL, you don't sound like a monk-time is the great healer. I'm hoping it'll just take time to heal Rose too...it sucks I can't talk to her about this majour thing in my life.

I'm hoping the GSA will be a good place to date too-but it is scary, even though I so much desire a relationship. I haven't dated till now because for so long I've been so confused...but now I feel like my life is somewhat figured out. Thanks for your kind words, man:).

*blinks* Eek, I'm so tired! Je me vais couche...

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

sugarmagnolia's picture

i'm 90% sure that was jeffers

i'm 90% sure that was jefferson airplane, not the beatles; sorry, i know i'm being petty, but i'll think of little things like that all day. that said... i feel for you, very much so. lately i've been so lonely, and i just want someone to hold, but i'm not even out yet so finding someone like that is nearly impossible. i'm glad your friend is starting to come around, your story has been awesome.

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

devildog's picture

ThanksS:). LOL, the song is t

ThanksS:). LOL, the song is the second track on Sgt. Pepper, by the way! I listened to it constantly this summer...

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

sugarmagnolia's picture

sorry, my fault, i only throu

sorry, my fault, i only throughly read the second part, and was thinking of: don't you want somebody to love/don't you need somebody to love/ you better find somebody to love.

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

devildog's picture

LOL, s'okay:). ~*~*~*~*~*~

LOL, s'okay:).

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

raining men's picture

Personally

Personally I thought of queen when I saw you're title. "Can anybody..find me...someone..to looooove"

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"

devildog's picture

LOL, yeah, I love that song t

LOL, yeah, I love that song too! But Seargent Pepper is the best:)

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde