Fear and Self Loathing

saves_the_day's picture

I haven't had a full nights sleep in over 3 weeks. I have this
really bad issue of letting my mind wander, and it does it's
best wandering between the hours of 10PM and 3:30AM. Is it bad
that I don't know when the last time it was that I actually slept
while it was dark out?

I know what has caused my recent inablities to sleep, but that
only accounts for the last week or so. Nerves. God, are they a shitty
thing. Sunday morning I took a shower at I think 5:30, my mom was
awake at the time since she's used to getting up for work at 4:00.
I get out of the shower, and the only thing out of her mouth is,
"Are you feeling okay?" Now I realize that I should have told her,
"No, I'm not. I need to tell you something." But like the chicken
shit that I am, I shrugged it off and told her I'm fine.

If I would have known that keeping this one part of my life a secret
from her would be so absolutely mind boggling, I would have just told
her my feelings right from the start. My flippin' conscience is finally
doing it's job. I know I need to tell her, and I really do want to.
It's just, it's just that I keep looking for that so-called 'perfect'
moment.

I know I'm not going to find that perfect moment, and as I told my friend
last night, I need to get some balls together and just tell her. I have
no problems anymore telling my friends, but why is it that I can't tell
the one person that I really want to share this with??? And if it
weren't almost 4AM west coast time, I'd call my sister and just tell
her everything that's going on with me right now. I should just be
a bitch and wake her up, let her listen to my problems. She would love
that almost as much as me telling her that I'm a lesbian. I can just
picture it now.

GRRRRRRRRRRR! If it wouldn't hurt so damn much, I would seriously rip
out all my hair in frustration. Well, that's enough for the time being.
I'm going to sit here for a little while longer and do some more
self-loathing and try to kick myself in the ass a little harder due to
my being a chicken shit. Anyone feeling like joining? (You are more than
welcome to.)

Comments

Y - GuRl's picture

thoughts

My mind wanders in that time of nite as well.. usually not so happy thoughts. But now I just listen to my ipod everytime I sleep, and so you've got music in your head which stops you from thinking too much. It works for me :\

I don't reckon you're a chickenshit, i guess you'll jus have to wait until you feel you're ready to spill. It must of taken a lot of courage to tell your mates.. so I guess you've just got to find that brave part of you again? Hope it all works out in the end :]

somethingofvalue's picture

I have the exact same problem

I have the exact same problem - my mind wanders and I can never seem to sleep. *Sends hugs* You should tell your Mom, I know you'll feel a lot better once you do. Good luck.

~Kry

sugarmagnolia's picture

i hate when i can't get to sl

i hate when i can't get to sleep... sometimes i find that small background noise helps, like a fan on low or something.
as far as telling your mom goes, you could try a note or something. i always used to leave my mom notes on her pillow when there was something i needed to tell her but couldn't bring myself to say. plus, it gives you time to plan out exactly what you want to say.
just a thought, hope everything goes well
oh, quick question: was the title an intended reference to fear and loathing in las vegas by hunter s. thompson?

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"