I haven't had a full nights sleep in over 3 weeks. I have this
really bad issue of letting my mind wander, and it does it's
best wandering between the hours of 10PM and 3:30AM. Is it bad
that I don't know when the last time it was that I actually slept
while it was dark out?
I know what has caused my recent inablities to sleep, but that
only accounts for the last week or so. Nerves. God, are they a shitty
thing. Sunday morning I took a shower at I think 5:30, my mom was
awake at the time since she's used to getting up for work at 4:00.
I get out of the shower, and the only thing out of her mouth is,
"Are you feeling okay?" Now I realize that I should have told her,
"No, I'm not. I need to tell you something." But like the chicken
shit that I am, I shrugged it off and told her I'm fine.
If I would have known that keeping this one part of my life a secret
from her would be so absolutely mind boggling, I would have just told
her my feelings right from the start. My flippin' conscience is finally
doing it's job. I know I need to tell her, and I really do want to.
It's just, it's just that I keep looking for that so-called 'perfect'
I know I'm not going to find that perfect moment, and as I told my friend
last night, I need to get some balls together and just tell her. I have
no problems anymore telling my friends, but why is it that I can't tell
the one person that I really want to share this with??? And if it
weren't almost 4AM west coast time, I'd call my sister and just tell
her everything that's going on with me right now. I should just be
a bitch and wake her up, let her listen to my problems. She would love
that almost as much as me telling her that I'm a lesbian. I can just
picture it now.
GRRRRRRRRRRR! If it wouldn't hurt so damn much, I would seriously rip
out all my hair in frustration. Well, that's enough for the time being.
I'm going to sit here for a little while longer and do some more
self-loathing and try to kick myself in the ass a little harder due to
my being a chicken shit. Anyone feeling like joining? (You are more than