I am a tragedy

Campfire's picture

Isn't it scary to think that we could go through our whole lives without meeting someone who makes us happy forever, that true "one" as some may call it. I see so many relationships come and go and the vast amount were formed on physical attraction and a slight enjoyment of the other's personality. None based on what I would call "love".

Then again, can a relationship begin with love? Or are people happy with relationships they know deep down won't work out, but convince themselves otherwise in order to feed their sexual appetite or fit in with what is proper? Even if you're gay or lesbian it would be considered odd if you hadn't had a boyfriend/girlfriend since forever.

I face the prospect of never really getting into a relationship for a couple of reasons, and it's one of the saddest things I can admit about myself. Facially though I look like someone who should be in a relationship, and as each year ticks by I appear weirder to those who are around me. If I'm straight as I claim to be, why have I not got a girlfriend? Wouldn't it be great to "come out" and get a boyfriend? But for the aforementioned couple of reasons, even if I did "come out" I'd still be single - achieving nothing.

I like to listen to music. It seems anything that is released nowadays however is about relationships, eternal love, affairs, sex and other such inaccessible activities and it drives me to the point of breaking down. It seems everyone else in the world is either in a relationship or has had a relationship or would have one given the chance. I'm not in one, haven't had one, and even if I had people clutching at my clothes, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to have one.

Short of malignant cancer, I cannot imagine anything worse in life than facing a life time of loneliness. I drink a lot in an attempt to forget or push aside my feelings on this issue which effects me. Sometimes it just helps to drink and get depressed, and then cry a hell of a lot. The reasons for my suffering are incurable - meaning the future of loneliness (as far as a love relationship goes) is very real. Don't get me wrong, I have a huge number of friends. But how can I possibly go on forever like this? A doctor suggested counselling. I don't want help to come to terms with shit in my life, I want the shit gone, or be told that it will go away at some point in the future. No such luck.

To have incurable pain, coupled with an incurable passion to love is tragic. I am a tragedy.


the mouse that roared's picture

Not that I've ever been in a relationship

But shouldn't you give it a chance before writing it off? How do you know what it's like? Also, if you are still pretty young, you may not have seen more mature, loving relationships. Yes, it's a bad idea to get into a relationship with someone you're not interested in, but if you do find someone you are interested in, then you should go for it.

Personally, I haven't found anyone I would want to be in a relationship with that's liked me back the same way. Even if I did find someone, I'm not sure if I have the time for or am emotionally ready to commit to a loving relationship yet. I think that my standards are a bit high, and experimentation would do me some good, but I'm too shy...

It sounds a bit like you're using this feeling of not wanting a relationship while really wanting a relationship as an excuse for not coming out. It also sounds like you have a lot of crappy feelings going on right now that would be good to sort out. Counseling really does help, and it doesn't just "help you come to terms with the shit in your life." It helps you recognize what you can do to change your perspective and actions to be happier in life. Sometimes all you need is someone outside of your life who will listen and make observations.

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser