I don't want to be gay! Why can't I be straight?!

Shenlong the Arcane's picture

As the title says I don't want to be. I'm not homophobic, I have gay friends, and I'm gay, but I want to like girls
why do I have to like guys? It hurts, I just don't want to be gay, the discrimination, the not being able to have
kids or adopt or marry. I've wanted a wie since I was little but I'm not interested in girls. It sucks. My town
has pretty much pushed all queer people and liberal-ness into hiding. I want to be like my straight friends. I've been
clinging onto being bi like it was the last part of me. I just want to be straight.

Patch's picture

Why do you want a wife if you

Why do you want a wife if you have no interest in women? If all you want is a traditional union, activists like me can make it happen.

You definitely need to learn to accept yourself. Fighting your sexuality is like fighting having blue eyes; there is nothing you can do about it. Just let it be. WHat other people think or the way they judge you has no bearing whatsoever on your happiness. YOu have a problem with being gay because you choose to have a problem with being gay. YOu are choosing all this guilt, depression, loneliness, self-hate. YOu can just as easily choose to not feel these things. We ALL have to learn to accept ourselves. It isn't easy, but beleive me, you will feel so much better. Just look in the mirror and say to your reflection "you are okay just the way you are." and just because you are gay doesn't mean you can't be like your straight friends. I mean, what are they doing which you cannot do? Take aside the sex stuff, and you are just like them. YOu have the same interests, the same hobbies, same likes/dislikes, that is why you are friends with them. People are friends with eachother for those reasons, not cuz they share the same sexual orientation.

Remember this:

You cannot choose to be gay or straight, but you can choose to accept yourself.

"What is the purpose of life? It is to create our own purpose."

Heh...'s picture

awwww i feel the same way but

awwww i feel the same way but i fought it soooooooooooooooooo hard and it drove me (litteraly) to the edge of death ... so i was forced to accept it UGH i still wish i could be straight but i really have NO choice... i know it sucks and im haveing a VERY hard time accepting it myself =( hey if u ever need to talk you can PM me and we can set something up from there okies ^^

I want a hug :(

hurting's picture

Help! i dont wanna be gay!! Im hurting! i dont know whom to talk

Last night my mom discovered that i was texting a guy ang i was looking for a boyfriend. My mom loves me so much that she's also struggling. I dont know what to do. My mom and dad told me not to ruin my life again because when i was in high school rumors started to spread about me having an affair with our star player and it ruined my image and made my family really worried. I dont know what to do. I really dont want to be gay. Its so hard! I want to die! I want to have some kids. I want to have a family but i cant like girls...

You hide yourself from your family, from a lot of your friends. From those you love. You're so different, that it makes your soul hurt each time you look in the mirror, because you can't comprehend, you can't figure out...what's wrong with me?

I stare in the mirror, I hate my self, just because of that one part of me. If I could change, perhaps I could be perfect. I could be happy. If I could be different, I wouldn't cry myself to sleep every night, I wouldn't hide from the news, I wouldn't feel ashamed when looking into the eyes of my family. If I could be better, if I could just be straight.

And I scream. Home alone, I scream at the top of my lungs and tears streak down my face as I rail against the God who condemns us yet makes it so no matter how hard I attempt to be better, I can never be. And all I manage to spout out is one phrase, which is the mantra of my very existence.

I don't want to be gay!!!!!!

MrJamalRambo's picture

When I saw this I was

When I saw this I was thinking how much this sounded like me. I've been trying not to be gay since I was 12 and I lied to my parents (technically grandparents) about my feelings for years, even when they would find gay porn on the computer or see show me stuff I had written confessing out. When I was 14 it got even more extreme and I started trying to kill myself until eventually the whole situation came out. Even after that while in counseling I was still having problems and my grandparents had to move me into my dads so I began freaking out more and in 6 months I ended in foster care where I am now( I'm 16) my point is that THIS WILL DRIVE U INSANE!!! but only if u let it. Counseling is working well for me and even though I'm still not sure about myself I at least am not so depressed anymore
-Jamal

RainbowTime's picture

my cousin to be like this too

i was told my aunt found my cousin trying to kill herself because she was gay everyone talked to her one by one and she agreed to go to counselling and shes happy to be alive now and were happy for her if its too hard to accept it yourself seek help in your family or a professional

i only drink irn bru and the occassional blood of my enemies

Pokemongymnist's picture

Me too

I had cried, when I was reading this, because of how similar our situation is! I HATE the feeling of dread and grief and guilt that I have, and my Parents. I had lied to them saying that i liked a girl, I do; but we have to much of a friend relationship; that i feel it wouldn't work; and i need help!!! Please respond, I need someone to talk to!!!

swimmerguy's picture

Uh

A word of friendly advice, you'd be much more likely to get a response if you post a journal.
It's easy, just click on "Journal Entry" on the top right corner and tell us your story.
This is an old, dead thread.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt5ghXdq6Z0&safe_search=on

jack123's picture

This is for Whover is lost or confused. (HURTING)

My Friend, I feel for u. In order to fix your problem, first you have to find it.
Yes, I said find it, and you know that being gay and liking the same sex is not the problem. You have to figure out what started the whole thing the first place. I am sorry but its not just a feeling to want to have oral with the same sex, its a more complex feeling than that.What other types of feelings accompany those acts? write them down when you get the urge. What part of gay are you? just Kissing, oral, the sex, the smell, the eyes, etc.... once you figure out what gay you are, you can begin to analyze it. For me, well its the penis. I love penises. because mines , i feel is not enough.
so i get the pleasure of a huge penis if i sleep with a guy who is huge.
Now, its been almost 4 years since i ever had sex with another guy. want to know why, because i realized that my penis is just enough to make my wife happy and i can always make it bigger by surgery and if i feel the urge for another guy, i use my toy. now I've reached the stage where i don't need my toy anymore because i learned to accept myself how god made me. If he had made me with a huge tool, i would have HIV AIDS or died by now. because I love sex and women.I asked myself, would I need to sleep with a guy to get the pleasure of a huge penis, if mines is huge already? and the answer was no ! because i could sleep with any girl in the world and she will be satisfied.
Bottom line, I accepted myself, because I realized that GOD had a reason for making me how he did, and that HE knows that I would have gone the bad path by giving me a bigger tool. I am happy married and have with a daughter, and I am a Muslim. God has a plan for his children, would he want his children to go the bad path? but he tests us everyday to see how loyal we are to him, so we can remember him when faced with difficult situations or sexual urges. What did he do to Sodom and Gomorrah? Because they were not listening to him.
Thanks friend. I hope u feel better after reading this. PM me if you want to chat.

jeff's picture

OK...

That's a new one. God gave you a small penis so you could please a woman, but not a man? He does work in mysterious ways!

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

tim3's picture

Hey i am a muslim too! and I

Hey i am a muslim too!
and I wish to talk to you if you don't mind.
Please message me as soon as possible.

Jmanblacksmith's picture

Used to be the same way it sounds like.

You know, I used to feel the same way. My homosexual feelings were so powerful. I held on to the fact that I might be bi. But I discovered the way for everything to work out not just how I wanted. It's true freedom. I'm free to share if you or anyone would like!

jeff's picture

Ya'll...

will get more support on here if you start a new journal or forum on this.

You're posting in a thread that was last active in 2005 now.

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

goatchunx's picture

Sorry

I'm sorry, love, but if you're gay, that's it. Embrace it. It's a fantastic part of you. It's just that the majority don't value it. Why? America sucks. That's why. But for your sanity, indeed, your integrity, don't try to be something your not.

Good luck. I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Q - "What is your sexual preference?"
A - "I have no sexual preference."

twitch's picture

*HUG* been there, tried th

*HUG*

been there, tried that. :(

sorry for you love, hope you feel better!

Lost Angry Youth's picture

have you ever "tried" being w

have you ever "tried" being with a girl just to "see" if you felt anything?
or is there ZERO sexual interest in the opposite sex?

Phoenix Harper32's picture

Hello All

I have been going through the same thing, man..BUT being gay and black is a helluva lot worse. trust me..i know this all too well. I have tried being straight myself, wanting kids all that jazz, but i know deep down inside that i would just be living a lie, lilke a lot of other gay men trapped in heterosexual relationships( i have meet far too many of them in my lifetime to know). I know that you dont want to live a lie, dude..besides..would it be fair the the lady you have as a wife?? just my two pennies.

yep_im_a_stalker's picture

oh you COULD have a wife, but

oh you COULD have a wife, but it would be a loveless lie and you would be killing her when she found out that you dont love her you just married her to try to be straight--you would only hurt her and yourself and nothing good would come of it.

sorry but youre gonna have to live with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly*

Lost Angry Youth's picture

just out of curiosity are you

just out of curiosity are you like completly numb to females?
If i were you i'd just sexually experiment with a girl.
just to SEE what it was like and just to see if you were completly
queer or maybe Bi.

If you really don't like girls , big deal.
they're nothing but headaches & drama anyways, if anything -i envy you!....
Boobies are always nice though..

gaynow's picture

...I don't think it should

...I don't think it should be considered obligatory to experiment with the opposite gender before you declare yourself gay. There's also no such thing as a litmus test for homosexuality. Sorry, but it just bugs me that people assume you can't be 100% gay unless you've tried the opposite gender and didn't like it.

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

AoiYumi's picture

Totally agree with you. A

Totally agree with you. A person doesn't have to experiment with someone of the same sex to know if he/ she is 100% straight.

curious-bi-nature's picture

Okay, that's fair enough.

Okay, that's fair enough. You don't have to experiment with the opposite sex if you think your gay, or vice versa. But it's different here, if only slightly. He doesn't WANT to think he's gay. What's the harm in trying? No one is saying he has to, and no one is saying he's not gay because he hasn't. They're searching for some bit of advice, and have landed on the slight chance that in wanting to like girls he might.

sugarmagnolia's picture

i feel the same way... and wh

i feel the same way... and while people think my liberalness is "unique" and "amusing" and don't think they'd feel the same way if they found out about my sexuality. and where i am there are so few people like me, which normally i don't mind, but i'd like a relationship. it's just the practicallity of it all. i'll get over it, it's just so damn inconvient. my method of coping is very methodical, and that doesn't work so well with attraction and emotion.

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

hurting's picture

help!! Im hurting!! I dont wanna be gay!

Last night my mom discovered that i was texting a guy ang i was looking for a boyfriend. My mom loves me so much that she's also struggling. I dont know what to do. My mom and dad told me not to ruin my life again because when i was in high school rumors started to spread about me having an affair with our star player and it ruined my image and made my family really worried. I dont know what to do. I really dont want to be gay. Its so hard! I want to die! I want to have some kids. I want to have a family but i cant like girls...

You hide yourself from your family, from a lot of your friends. From those you love. You're so different, that it makes your soul hurt each time you look in the mirror, because you can't comprehend, you can't figure out...what's wrong with me?

I stare in the mirror, I hate my self, just because of that one part of me. If I could change, perhaps I could be perfect. I could be happy. If I could be different, I wouldn't cry myself to sleep every night, I wouldn't hide from the news, I wouldn't feel ashamed when looking into the eyes of my family. If I could be better, if I could just be straight.

And I scream. Home alone, I scream at the top of my lungs and tears streak down my face as I rail against the God who condemns us yet makes it so no matter how hard I attempt to be better, I can never be. And all I manage to spout out is one phrase, which is the mantra of my very existence.

I don't want to be gay!!!!!!

tenmilestilts's picture

don't hate yourself for a

don't hate yourself for a part of you that you can't change. it will only make your life miserable. don't spend your whole life trying to change yourself--you need to accept who you are. *hug*
---
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

somethingofvalue's picture

I've had a hard time acceptin

I've had a hard time accepting that I'll never have that perfect "white picket fence" existance. I probably won't have my own children, but I do plan to get married (GO CANADA!). I love loving women, though.

~Kry

kaji_kitsune15's picture

It's okay.

Dude... don't get hysterical. The only thing that lasts longer than hate is love, and as long as you love other men... and stay true to yourself... people will learn to accept you or they will kill themselves with their own hatred. Let them be bitter. Find you a good partner, kiss them, and work through it together. My girlfriend and I have become even closer, because we fight them together. You're not alone. All the way from Alabama... in this tiny town where gay is taboo... I'm still here. And I'm alright. And I'm here for you. And I'll always be. My bro is gay. He came out before me, and I've accepted him with loving arms. And, hey, I'm not that special... surely there is someone like me in your area that you can talk to. You just have to find them. Have faith! Be strong. We are united.

Grace Hughen's picture

I feel the same way at

I feel the same way at times. I just wish I could get married and have kids without worrying about... well, everything. But maybe one day gay marriage will be just as accepted as straight marriage, and we won't have to worry about that crap. We can only hope.

The problem here isn't with being gay; it's with society's view of gays. There is nothing you can do to change how you were born, although there's a lot that can be done to change how the world acts towards you. Always remember that this is not your fault. You didn't choose to be this way and you didn't bring all this upon yourself. No matter what anybody else may say, keep telling yourself that, because that's what's true.

RileyyBabyy.'s picture

It should matter what other

It shouldn't matter what other people think, its about you and who you love, and the fact that you cannot change who you fall inlove with. But i understand how it is, trying to hide it, my mom and all the adults on her side of the family have still yet to find out that i not only like guys but i also like girls, on the other hand my dads whole side of the family knows and accepts me for who i am.

It doesnt matter to me what people think of my life style, if i want to be with a girl, IM GUNNA BE WITH A GIRL, and they can get the efff over it. (:

Be proud of who you are, always.<3

gaynow's picture

I know exactly how you feel

It's not self-hate or anything, but I do understand wishing you were straight. I've wished I were straight about a million times. It would just be so much easier, to be like everyone else, to be able to get married, to not have to grimace at any element of popular culture and think "this doesn't apply to me." And yeah, the problem is with society, not with being gay in itself. Because society says we're not "normal." But you can't change yourself, you can only change society. I know it sucks, but hang in there. We're all here for you.

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

jeff's picture

Err...

How is that not self-hate?

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

underdarkness's picture

Uh...

Have you ever noticed how nothing you ever say is helpful? You understand gay youth very, very little.

- One Nation, Under Darkness, with liberty and justice for white, heterosexual, rich, Christian men

Riku's picture

Okay, would you rather

Okay, would you rather accept who you are and make the best out of it, or keep wishing you were straight? Because if you're really gay, nothing is going to change that. (Unless you're one of those people with an incredibly fluid sexuality, but that's closer to bi than gay.) And wishing you were straight doesn't make you straight. Pretending that you're straight doesn't make you straight. It's not impossible to get married and have/raise children if you're gay. I've already decided that when I grow up I'm GOING to get married and I'm GOING to have kids. And nothing is going to stop me.

So, you should accept that your sexuality is what it is, and you can't change it, and make the best out of what you got. If you're gay, then be gay, and if you want something, go for it. Don't let people discriminate against you.

*hugs* Don't worry, things will get better.

5thstory's picture

I'm going to look stupid and

I'm going to look stupid and conceited, but the French have the perfect expression for those moments: c'est la vie! (non-literal translation: that's how life is.)

" . . . The sun does not shine upon this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it." Charles Dickens

Fiona Rosge's picture

Y?

why would u want to try and be who your not? just except it?tho this is esier said then done i know. but i mean if you like a certain type of people then you do whats the prob? you can change i guess if you really wanted to but youd only be lieing to yourself.

I bleed audio's picture

Don't lie to yourself

I know how you feel, being confused and wishing you were straight but really you're not doing yourself any favors by pretending you're something you're not. I'm not going to say being openly gay is any easier than what you're going through now but I got to say it feels good to be true to yourself, kind of like a weight has been lifted. Why don't you try it?

As for the whole having a wife thing, well that's true but when you think about it you'd be putting yourself in a purgatory of you're own doing. Every day you'd look at her with the same disinterest and have to force a smile while your mind drifted to the guy you wish you could be with. I can think of no torture more painful than seeing what you need and having it lie just out of your reach.

Despite all the things you may have learned, if you play with fire then you're bound to get burned
- All left out

fox333's picture

What is is what is

I won't lie. I don't care if Im straight. I just want the pain to stop. I just want to know. I envy your sureness. But I don't think that you should marry a woman if your gay. Thats just horrible. How would you feel if you finially accepted yourself, married a some wonderful guy (when gay marriage turns legal) and then he comes up to you after 25 years after you raised 3 kids (who you adopted from third world contries) shared every moment of eachother's existence, planned to die together in about 75yrs and have him come up to you and say
'honey. I have to tell you this I can't keep living a lie. Im straight. I thought I wanted to be gay because (instert reason). Im sorry.'

Thats another reason you have to accept who you are beacuse as much as it might hurt you to come to terms with it it will hurt you future wife and children too.

Don't worry though. Im sure you can do it ;)

THE flying turtle

underage_thinker's picture

Gay people are just.....

Gay people are just..... Cooler, that's all. Everyone else is just jealous.

gaynow's picture

xD thanks for that... Megan:

xD thanks for that...

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

Unsure downunder's picture

Similar concerns

Well im feeling the same way. Theres plenty of girls i find attractive and I have had girlfriends but I fantasize more about guys than I do girls. Im not scared of being gay and I have other family members who are gay, but its not what I want to be. I'm just not sure if I like girls enough, I keep thinking bout girls i have crushes on but I think I could be confusing feelings for them with friendship as I mostly attracted to my friends. But I really don't know. I'm 19 so is there a chance this is a bit of a phase? I dont have any strong feelings for guys besides noticing they are cute, or hot but I notice girls in the same way.

And I'm having a bit of trouble with where these people are coming from that are saying, you have no choice you must accept being gay if you are having these feelings. Isnt it about what makes you feel happy. So if someone would rather try be straight cause that's what they are most comfortable with rather than changing there life around to be "gay", whats wrong with that. I can see that it is different with people who are just scared of being gay, but there are people who see themselves as straight or bi, rather than labeling themselves gay because of their sexual feelings.

And yes, we all know gay people can lead normal lifestyles (civil unions, children etc.) and are apparently cooler, which by the way is great! but I don't think that was what this guy was asking about.

confusedchildren's picture

i have been feeling the same

i have been feeling the same way as well lately. Although i have fantasies about having sex with men and women, I have recently discovered that all the guys i thought were attractive were the ones that i could never be friends with. I didn't want to have sex with them, i just wanted to be friends and get to know them better (not intimately). With women, i just want to completely dominate them and have them swallow my dick, but thats just me.

good luck.

Izy's picture

This is just one step in

This is just one step in becoming yourself. Once you get past the fact you aren't straight, but you can still have all the happy endings you will be good.
I wish more lately that I could be a straight woman so I wouldn't have to deal with all that I deal with, but I know I wouldn't be happy that way. I like the way this has made me stronger and I like how this has introduced me to many new people who are the most amazing people in my lives. I would not be the same person I am today without this, that is why I press on and I don't question the fact that I am gay or trans I just let it be knowing it is me.

Lillyjune's picture

Dear I don't want to be gay I want to be straight

While I agree that a person should be who they are each person must search themselves to find out who that is. There is no scientific evidence to prove or disprove that a person is born gay. I would suggest meditating on a daily basis calming the mind, there are books and classes to teach you how to do this properly. Meditating will help you get in touch with the inner you. Be Still and Listen to what your inner self is saying. There are also organizations that work with gay men & women who do not want to be gay. The success rate depends on the individual. Some do go and stay straight others remain gay. So if you endevor for one of these organizations check them out throughly first, and make sure that you feel comfortable with that organization. Try more than one, however, in the event that you still feel that you are gay after doing this than work with accepting that you are gay.

the mouse that roared's picture

Um

Ex-gay organizations don't work. They're scary brainwashing places. There's a zero percent success rate for gays, and most people that manage to live some period of time as an ex-gay were bi in the first place.

It's hard, but y'all gotta accept it. It took me a long time to become comfortable with my sexual orientation. A lot of self-hate, a lot of shame and fear. But ultimately a closeted life is a lie. It's unfair to yourself and to others.

Although it was hard for me to accept my gayness at first, now I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, there's more prosecution and such, and I'm not a fan of that, but I just wouldn't be the same me if I was straight. I've grown so much as a person through my coming-out process. I've even met straight people that wished they were gay because (really and truly) they thought it would make them cooler!

There is an accepting world out there, and there will be love in your heart--love for yourself, love for others. Meditation is a good idea; ex-gay orgs aren't. Be gentle with yourself.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin

hurting's picture

Help! i dont want to be gay! im hurting so much!

i dont know whom to talk to.

Last night my mom discovered that i was texting a guy ang i was looking for a boyfriend. My mom loves me so much that she's also struggling. I dont know what to do. My mom and dad told me not to ruin my life again because when i was in high school rumors started to spread about me having an affair with our star player and it ruined my image and made my family really worried. I dont know what to do. I really dont want to be gay. Its so hard! I want to die! I want to have some kids. I want to have a family but i cant like girls...

You hide yourself from your family, from a lot of your friends. From those you love. You're so different, that it makes your soul hurt each time you look in the mirror, because you can't comprehend, you can't figure out...what's wrong with me?

I stare in the mirror, I hate my self, just because of that one part of me. If I could change, perhaps I could be perfect. I could be happy. If I could be different, I wouldn't cry myself to sleep every night, I wouldn't hide from the news, I wouldn't feel ashamed when looking into the eyes of my family. If I could be better, if I could just be straight.

And I scream. Home alone, I scream at the top of my lungs and tears streak down my face as I rail against the God who condemns us yet makes it so no matter how hard I attempt to be better, I can never be. And all I manage to spout out is one phrase, which is the mantra of my very existence.

I don't want to be gay!!!!!!

gaynow's picture

Also, I have to add that

Also, I have to add that this thread is from 2005. It is quite decidedly no longer relevant to the original poster. If you've got something you're dying to share in re: this thread, feel free to post a new topic, but... just know that the OP won't be reading anything you say on here.

Megan: "Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good."
Graham: "Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good."
-But I'm a Cheerleader

jeff's picture

Yeah...

I'm actually seeing if there's a setting to close comments off after 3 months of inactivity or somesuch on journals and forums.

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

jenniferhomes's picture

I am a straight girl..

I am a straight girl..

lonewolf678's picture

and...

...this helps how?

kahough's picture

Been there, done that

It is a hard thing, coming to terms with your sexual orientation. Been there, done that. This site helped me several years ago when I was having a hard time with my sexuality. This place is filled with a lot of good people who can help.
It is not fair, what we have to deal with, the prejudice, the rights that we don't have, but it does get better. You have to be strong and surround yourself with people who care about you and who can help you. When I was coming out I wished I had someone to talk to who could help me and understand. Oasis and all the people on this site helped a great deal.
In my experience it is hard for family to come around to the idea of a family member being different. They will come around. My family had a hard time at first, but now they are loving and accepting of every aspect of my life. They love my girlfriend, and even allow us to share a bed when we visit them.
It is hard, but you can make it through this. What makes things worse is when you try to fight it. Learn to accept yourself and love yourself. If you can't accept it or love yourself, it makes it hard for others to do the same. You learn to grow a tough skin and be proud of who you are. Remeber, learn to love yourself and be tough through the rough patches, it will get better, it always does, I promise.

irishlad's picture

i would rather die that stay gay

i dont wanna be this way. i have got gay friends an i have gd time wif them but being gay just hurts me so much my family an that no i am an there fine wif it but am not my family dont no i have tried to take my life many times just to try an stop the pain it just hurts so much i tried talking to a few friend bout it but they dont no how to help me i just want it to al be over go to sleep never walk up.