I don't want to be gay! Why can't I be straight?!

Shenlong the Arcane's picture

As the title says I don't want to be. I'm not homophobic, I have gay friends, and I'm gay, but I want to like girls
why do I have to like guys? It hurts, I just don't want to be gay, the discrimination, the not being able to have
kids or adopt or marry. I've wanted a wie since I was little but I'm not interested in girls. It sucks. My town
has pretty much pushed all queer people and liberal-ness into hiding. I want to be like my straight friends. I've been
clinging onto being bi like it was the last part of me. I just want to be straight.

lonewolf678's picture

.

Something tells me you could write a lot of journal entries.

Jerrold's picture

I experience it similarly

I'm 16 years old living in jamaica (male). I think it was when i became 15 i started developing feelings for other men i mean it's just an annoying disgusting feeling in urself and at the same time u feel comfortable in urself. when i became 16 these feelings became soo intense that i couldn't stand myself and one day on a field trip coming home i told my best friend who's a girl that i may be bisexual but feeling alot more for men. sometimes walking with my male friends where their stereotyping just hurts me deep down i often see guys and see how cute they are and such, i even started watching gay teen movies just to find it in myself to stop these feelings. i'm hoping it is a phase thing and tbh i've really wanted to expirment with friends and stuff like in america, but i'll always have to live with the fact that this feeling is killing me and always will be so u think u have it hard yet try preventing urself from crying soooo badly that ur nose start to run without tears and ur heart and body feels like it's going to shut down(faint)

jeff's picture

Yeah...

Jamaica (and other Caribbean countries) are not really good when it comes to these issues, so you're going to have to make some tough decisions there. You're probably going to have to stay in the closet and sort of connect to the hidden gay culture within Jamaica, which is unfair, or eventually leave Jamaica to find happiness.

As for you, personally, you probably know well enough that sexuality exists and there really isn't much hope to cling to as far as it being a phase. It is better in America, but still not perfect, and there are a lot of areas where people still need to be cautious about being out. Of course, the media you will see from the US will mainly focus on it being no big deal and accepted, which is true in a good chunk of the country.

But there is still a lot of value in pushing through to accept yourself, and love who you are, and embrace that you are gay or bisexual, without the added element of sleeping with other boys or falling in love. Get solid in your comfort about your identity, so you stop feeling like you are wrong or sick, and then you will be in a better position to decide how (and possibly where) you want to live.

If you're already persecuted by your community (which you can't control), you can decide to stop persecuting yourself (which at this point, is probably the louder voice of the two).

There are paths in life where you can experience as much joy and love as possible, but you need to get to a place where you can pursue them. At your age now, perhaps look into what the cruise ships look for that visit Jamaica. I know (since I've been to Jamaica and other islands in that area) that the ships do hire a lot of the staff from the islands and areas they visit (since the name tags of everyone on the ship indicate their country of origin).

Or, just study like hell, and try to land a scholarship in a few years that get you outside of Jamaica.

More than anything, though, try to be kinder to yourself, and more accepting, and realize that you're not the broken piece in this equation. You are deserving and entitled to love. That's a good place to start.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Jerrold's picture

uhm thanks a lot

uhm thanks a lot