Remember that brand, Lisa Frank? Well, I've lost all my wonderfully normal Office Max pencils, and so I am left with an eight year old rainbow otter Lisa Frank stub. Which people found very amusing. Yet my friend Rose had no idea what the hell it was, so one of the girls said:
"It's stationary stuff with a bunch of rainbow animals on them."
And in responce, this just slipped out of my mouth:
"It's pride in a pencil!" ...Though I'm not sure she may have gotten it. God, you try to give as many hints as possible!
At lunch, people were talking about America's Next Top Model, and Rose was of course scandalized we could watch such utter garbage. And I laughed, "I don't watch it for the content."
Tell me, can I get more blunt? I don't believe so. Hopefully people are getting it.
Rose still doesn't really mention my coming out to her AT ALL. You'd think she'd have questions about it, or wanted to at least know how I'm doing. I try to give as many hints as possible to show I'm "still gay," but it doesn't seem to be working. I'll write out a letter maybe and give it to her to read, since in these sittuations I'm utterly abysmal. I get flustered, angry, start crying-my emotions completely take over my body. They're so powerful. I haven't really learned to balance them. When I'm happy I'm very happy, and when I'm sad I'm completely miserable.
I seem to have a heightened emotional plane of existance. Yeah me.
Anyways, in screenwriting, the girl I'm frankly lusting after, Martine, read more of her screenplay, and it's about an emerging lesbian romance. And I was just watching her read this, getting completely hot over it...God, how I am tormented. And after school, I watched her playing her guitar for some girl, and I wished it was me. But she's taken, and even though it's not like high school relationships are serious, I have this code of chivalry ingrained in my genetics. If I infringe on it I'll literally be sick at myself. But I really loved listening to her script, and since we were outside I got to watch the cute girls jog by in their short shorts.
Ah, the simple pleasures. Can I be blunt and say I'm horny? Even my mom noticed. Moms know everything. This morning I was in the counselor's office (which I like going to, by the way. She's really nice and helpful. We're working on my communication skills and my lack of assertiveness. LOL), and I was trying SO HARD not to stare at her breasts. Man, it was an effort of pure iron will, especially since they were big, and you could kind of see her nipples through her shirt.
Okay, must stop this train of thought*blusehs*. Ever hear that statistic that guys think of sex every few seconds? This is what I'm rapidly becoming.
Sigh, but I wish I really had a girlfriend, whom I loved and who loved me dearly. I would love that, but it's so hard to meet people...I'm going to ask my mom if I can get some rainbow stuff. Maybe then it'll open the way for conversation, and get me fucking out of the closet at school. I've just ceased lieing anymore, but haven't said it. When people ask about what guy I'm taking to winter formal, or any future boyfriends, I laugh, blush, and smirk, "boyfriend." It just happens, I can't help it. I just know myself now.
Like I said, I'm making up for years of lost time spent repressing my sexual side.