Today was another day when I got into the car after school and sobbed. Away from the place where I have to put on my all-together face, I just can not take the pain anymore. Life is just so hard for me.
My friend Rose-God, I'm so mad at her, and I hate myself for it. She doesn't want me to start the GSA, and won't be honest with me about it. I kept on saying hit me with it, and all she said was: she didn't want people to know I'm gay because of how it will reflect on her. What, does she not want people to think she's my girlfriend, that she's gay, WHAT? She's not telling me! I just feel so alone at school, like no one wants me to start this GSA or be myself, loved and accepted and me....
So, I was hesitant with her all day, and I know she felt it, and I can't bear hurting her, because I can just tell she's noticing my coldness and sadness. Why, oh why, did I have to tell her?
But it will get better, I hope. I'm trying to tell myself it will get better. She'll come to terms with it somehow, she's still a good person.
I had a meeting with a cool priest at my church, who's helping me with the GSA. She's even agreed to come with me to a meeting with the administration. Today she said something, though, that really struck true with me: I have my organizer hat, that wants to start this GSA and get my coalition started and everything, and then then there's the newly come out me, who's vulnerable and tentative. God, how am I going to reconsile the two? Most people I guess don't come out and become somewhat of an activist right off the bat. How did I end up in this?
That's just who I am, really. I've always been a leader in my own way, and that part of me just took over, but stripped me bare in some places. When will my caloused hide become strong enough to fend off their blows?
Being a teenager sucks as it is. Being gay just makes it that one bit harder.