My Life is a Nightmare...Why Are Things So Hard?

devildog's picture

Today was another day when I got into the car after school and sobbed. Away from the place where I have to put on my all-together face, I just can not take the pain anymore. Life is just so hard for me.

My friend Rose-God, I'm so mad at her, and I hate myself for it. She doesn't want me to start the GSA, and won't be honest with me about it. I kept on saying hit me with it, and all she said was: she didn't want people to know I'm gay because of how it will reflect on her. What, does she not want people to think she's my girlfriend, that she's gay, WHAT? She's not telling me! I just feel so alone at school, like no one wants me to start this GSA or be myself, loved and accepted and me....

So, I was hesitant with her all day, and I know she felt it, and I can't bear hurting her, because I can just tell she's noticing my coldness and sadness. Why, oh why, did I have to tell her?

But it will get better, I hope. I'm trying to tell myself it will get better. She'll come to terms with it somehow, she's still a good person.

I had a meeting with a cool priest at my church, who's helping me with the GSA. She's even agreed to come with me to a meeting with the administration. Today she said something, though, that really struck true with me: I have my organizer hat, that wants to start this GSA and get my coalition started and everything, and then then there's the newly come out me, who's vulnerable and tentative. God, how am I going to reconsile the two? Most people I guess don't come out and become somewhat of an activist right off the bat. How did I end up in this?

That's just who I am, really. I've always been a leader in my own way, and that part of me just took over, but stripped me bare in some places. When will my caloused hide become strong enough to fend off their blows?

Being a teenager sucks as it is. Being gay just makes it that one bit harder.

~Sam

Comments

Inkblot's picture

Hang in there

"Being a teenager sucks as it is. Being gay just makes it that one bit harder. "

I concur. If there's some way I can help, PM me. Big hug.

Inky

devildog's picture

Thanks:). Ah, there's probabl

Thanks:). Ah, there's probably nothing much I can do now but wait, but thanks for offering!

I'm a bit more cheered up now, since my mom is letting me stay home from a field trip tomorrow to do stuff that'll make me happy. This'll probably involve bookstores, coffee, and independent movies.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

Uncertain's picture

I wish I can be with you righ

I wish I can be with you right now and help you with your problems and this GSA. I hope Rose will eventually think it through from seeing your determination and dedicationand and understand why you're doing this. Don't lose faith! There will be people who need this GSA, people who will support you with this GSA. Don't give up and let them down. You will eventually make a change to many teenager's life.

> > "I'd rather have the heterosexual society changed than my homosexual child change" - Annonymous

devildog's picture

Thank you Uncertain, you've r

Thank you Uncertain, you've really cheered me up! Ah, it'll be so great when it's started, but it's so hard. But I won't give up, the GSA will happen.

Thanks again*hugs*.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

Heh...'s picture

Awwww man i wish i had someon

Awwww man i wish i had someone like u around here whose motivated like you are to start a GSA at my school =( but... sadly theres none... i dont think n e one around here at my school would even begin to think about starting one or support it. *cry* why cant u live near me lol? oh well... and yes... it does suck to have to put on ur all-together face at school or for me 24/7 b/c i have to wear it at home or else my mom will say to me... (she is not one bit supportive) "you stopped taking your Paxil didnt you?" -.- i hate it every time im sad b/c i have to deal with my issue she freakin says something like that (or if i get irritated from something) oh well...

I want a hug :(

devildog's picture

That sucks, I wish someone wh

That sucks, I wish someone where you lived would start one too:(. It certainly is hard, but I think it'll be worth all the pain in the end. Everyone's support here is really helping a lot.

Ah, my mom also will sometimes say stuff like that, usually out of concern ("Did you forget your lexapro?" Me: "Yes!"). Though, that's awful you have to wear a mask at home-hopefully someday that'll change for you, at school or at home.

*hugs*

~*~*~*~*~*~

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde