We Have Lift Off!!!

saves_the_day's picture

These last few days have been rather entertaining.
Not much has happened, but a few things have. First
of all I'd like to start with the letter from my
previous journal entry. I haven't given it to my mom
yet, but thanks to the responds I have gotten from
my four friends who I emailed the letter to and
the few people who commented to me that I should give
it to her, I have made my final choice.

I plan on handing it over within the next couple of weeks.
My reasoning behind waiting a few more weeks is simple:
Turkey Day and my birthday. I'm not big on either event, but
I don't want to give my mom a total shock on the birthday.
My friends all said that they're behind me on giving my mom
her letter, and that if I ever need to talk just call them
day or night. Which is a very good feeling. I love knowing that
they're behind me. Two of them said that if I can I should
tell her myself and not in the letter, but if my courage isn't
up there completely the letter will do just fine. Depending
on how I'm feeling the day I give her the letter, I might
just read it to her. I'm not sure right now. A lot can happen
with in the next two weeks though.

Now my second piece of information. I got a huge kick out of
this one. Last night my brother called. He and my mom talked
for hours about nothing really. This was the first time she
actually got to talk to him for more than just 10 minutes since
he's been back from Iraq. She was just freaking out, kind of
cute actually. (When she does things like that I know for a
fact that she won't care much about what I have to tell her.)
Then they got on the topic of my sister. She's going to school,
blah, she's still not totally satisfied with her relationship
with her boyfriend, blah, blah, blah. Then I heard my name.

From how I interpreted the conversation (easdropping rocks!)
I figured my brother asked if I had a boyfriend. My mom says,
"You know, sometimes I think she's gay." Pause. I'm getting
a little nervous at this point. "No, I don't think she
actually is though." I'm assuming my brother asked if I was,
and she answered.

It was one of those momments where the heart jumps out of the
chest and drops to the floor flopping back and forth until it
finally loses mommentum. Yikes. But then later that night as
I went back in my head about what they were talking about,
I came to the conclusion that my mom probably has figured out
that I am gay. And I just started laughing to myself. I mean,
here I was sweating that maybe she has no idea, and she's never
thought about it. But when she told my brother that sometimes
she thinks that I could be gay, it clicked. She has thought of
it, which brings for the assumption that recently she's thought
of it more and more. That eased my nerves a little. And that
has also brought me to the conclusion that I will hand her that
letter sometime before the new year.

My friend, Adam is coming to visit from December 17th until
January 2nd. I haven't told him I'm gay, and I don't plan on it.
This is just a part of my life, that will only hurt him. He lives
in Canada and I in the US. I will never move to Canada, and he
will never move to the US, so I have nothing to worry about with
him. But he is a super close friend. I still won't tell him though.
With Adam coming on the 17th, I have decided that my mom is getting
the letter a couple days after my birthday, so hopefully the air
will clear before he gets here.

Cross my fingers that that's how it goes. And if the air isn't cleared
by the time Adam comes, I'll just lie if he asks what's up with my mom
and I. I hate doing it, but I can't hurt him by telling him that I'm
a lesbian. I just can't. He means too much to me as a friend to loose
him. And I know that's a little selfish, but I don't want to loose his
friendship.

Whoa, so that's my life these last few days. My mind is cleared for the
time being, but I'll be back.

There is one last thing I want to share with you all. I found the lyrics
to my life. They're from Straylight Run's "Mistakes We Knew We Were Making"
(I know, me and Straylight Run, but what can I say. I'm hooked.)

And all our sins come back to haunt us in the end
To hang around and tap us on the shoulder
And smile silent
It's all implied
"You'll die trying to live this down.
You might as well forget it."
Still, i'm convinced that wondering what if
Is the worst thing there is

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets
Let them ferment and came back to our senses
Drove back home and slept a few days
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be

AND ALL THESE LINES
FALL SHORT OF WHAT I HAD IN MIND
A FAILED ATTEMPT
TO CAPSULIZE A FEELING
SO I JUST TRY
AND FAIL AND TRY AND TRY AGAIN
AND SOMEDAY I SWEAR I'M GOING TO GET IT
BECAUSE I'M CONVINCED THAT GIVING IN IS THE WORSE THING THERE IS

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets
Let them ferment and came back to our senses
Drove back home and slept a few days
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be

We'll get over it
Sad, strong, safe and sober
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong
But "you can't go home again."

We'll get over it
Sad, strong, safe and sober
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong
But "you can't go home again."

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets
Let them ferment and came back to our senses
Drove back home and slept a few days
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be

Comments

rainbowboi's picture

Well good luck with the lette

Well good luck with the letter. I thought about doing that but I ended up just telling straight-up. But I think it's a great way to come out. My friend doesnt like that type of thing, but in my mind if you aren't ready to say it what's wrong with writing a letter? So i totally like it. The only thing that my friend said that I did agree with is that the letter might not really fit in with the moment....does that make sense. So, like, when you wrote it you might have been in a certain mood or something that doesn't work for when you give it or read it. But I havent read the letter, so maybe it doesnt really apply with it. But again, I think its a great way to come out and good luck! Have a good thanksgiving too.

Lowell

yep_im_a_stalker's picture

Wow the you and Adam thing is

Wow the you and Adam thing is like me and my best friend, Danny. He lives in Tennessee and I live in Pennsylvania so its like a 12 hour drive so I get to see him for like a day or two in the summer. I don't want to tell him I'm gay because he is strongly Republican so he might be anti-gay and I don't want to lose him as a friend (we've been best friends for...7 1/2 to 8 years now) I might tell him in a few years when I'm more out and when I have a better understanding of his outlook on gays.

Good luck with your mom.

*Love is blind to everything you throw in its path-Race, gender, religious beliefs, and social class are just minor annoyances.*