Well things have been interesting. There have been several small little instances in which I have reveled and ma reveled. And maybe some in which I haven't. But I am going to focus only on the good ones, or at least the ones that I can remember! :S
It's all just so interesting and complicated this world of being gay and in the closet. The interacting with guys, and the interacting with guys that I've got crushes or the cutes for especially.
I wish I knew what people knew about me sometimes. I just really think that there are people who know, and for some stupid reason, I really think that some of them might not care. But in reality what I think is that they don't and wont care until they find that I am gay, in which they will probably pounce on any opportunity that they have to exploit me as something bad.
but when I can talk with a guy I like, interact and just be my usual funny pessimistically optimistic self I feel so alive and so good. Even if they don't know I'm gay even if I'm putting on a show. If they can be with me or just you know? Around me? Accept me? For just the brief instance... its so wonderful to feel that, and to bask in it, to feel its warmth for the moments that I am surrounded by it.
Like today I was working and people just kept asking me to burn them cd's. That may not be anything particularly interesting but to me it means a lot. Mainly because that means people are seeing that I am interested in music that is actually good, which it turn is something I can have in common with someone. With the music I can get a grip as to the personalities, to a limit, of the people I am providing music to.
Anyways that made me feel good.
Back to the freshman guy I was working with. Right before he clocked out he was standing right next to me and he announced rather loudly, to me that he had to urinate. This is an example of something I think he would do cause he just happens to believe that I am gay, and wants to tease and taunt me about it. I mean come on, how many guys regularly announce to other guys, especially ones that aren't particular friends that they have to urinate? Well whatever the case was, if he was doing it for that reason I fell for it. I found it so sexy honestly. He got me to smile for sure, and I said well do it then. Though I wished I could of said something like can I watch?
I don't mind him. He'll talk to me too. Every now and then anyways. He's just a guy I wouldn't mind knowing.
Then there's the junior I'm interested in, the farmer one. I find him so interesting. He'll say hi to me but he’s so complex to me because I always have to guess about him. I’ve learned that he doesn’t like to speak his mind so freely. I think that he is afraid that he will release the wrong thing from, like when he says something or another.
So I’ll see him in the hall and I’ll be wishing I could stare at him longer, the moment my eyes find him, knowing I can’t cause he’ll pass me by in seconds. But I glance at him and he finds me too, and our faces meet for an instance, and quickly he’ll look away, like he can’t bare to look at me. Like he’s ashamed or afraid of something. Then he’ll mutter, almost indistinctly, so low and subtly that I swear it could be my imagination, the most simple of things. Like Hi, or hey, or how’s it?
And it happens virtually every time I see him. He never seems to want to stop and talk to me. Though I just feel so intently I think I can say I know that he would have no problem stopping to do so. He’s done it before after all. I just care about him so much, all that I know I can care anyways. I feel bad when I see him and I know I just won’t be able to talk with him. But it feels even worse when I know that my best friend has ten times more of a chance with him just as a friend that I think I will ever have. Even more so when I know deep inside just how much I’ll never be able to say what I feel inside. Not for now anyways.
Small things make so much. Like earlier today when I had to ask this other freshman I’m crushing on what his last name was, cause I’m part of year book and under his mug was listed two last names. I felt so stupid doing it. It gave me a chance to start some kind of discussion, or even better, sit as his table with all the other cuties, but I didn’t do anything but get his last name. I wasted my opportunity. L
I’m so fallible. I just need some affection it seems. So simply it seems that just being able to see the people I’m crushing on, and imagining what it would be like for them to care about me… that that alone is enough to make me feel all quivery and tingly inside.
I could fall for someone so easy it seems, fall for some kind of act of pure hate, to lure me into the open where I’m not safe. My inequities seem to haunt me even when know one seems to know that I can have some very human ones.
I can’t think anymore. I know that my journal entries aren’t met with the most… what? Enthusiasm here so I will bid thee all adue.
P.S. maybe any of you can make sense of me somewhat better than I seem to be doing???