Well its been a while since I've last posted a journal entry on here and I understand if its not a regular thing for everyone to just automatically go "oh it's analytically inclined's newest journal entry, lets read it.: Those of you who are reading this I thank you much.
However seeing as I don't think many people will be reading this, correct me if I am wrong, I will admit that I am thankful for being able to post this here. Cause in reality, one doesn't always need agreement, or understanding from someone else to come to ones contended self. Sometimes all one has to do is vent, be it in many ways or few. Venting for me, includes journaling. So just typing these words is helping in some way, known of unknown.
Now then. I don't just journal cause I feel like I need to talk, some interesting things have happened recently in my life. Nothing to severe I would say but things they are indeed.
For instance, one day when I was sitting at my lunch table, all alone as usual, this guy in my grade I've been crushing on since, since, ninth grade up and decided he'd just come and sit at my table with me for some reason. Anyways I really do have a crush on him, I get exited just talking to him, no matter whether its about something stupid or simple or silly or whatever I just love talking and being with him, feeling accepted by him. I just like him. I won't say love him cause I'm still young, I don't know if I've grasped the full context of what true love is.
Anyways he didn't sit at my table for long, and he looked depressed very sad, I could just tell it in his eyes. There's always something about him. Something that I just manage to like and love away into myself. He is great looking, but when I see his face all saddened like it was that day, when I see him lay his head down and look away like, like he just can't stand something. The kind of look that makes me wonder why he would sit with me when he seems so invariably uninterested in me. The kind of look that just makes me wish I could cuddle with him, or give him a strong heart felt hug...damn those puppyish dog eyes of his. And that sandy blonde hair.
Anyways he told me that he felt like shit, like he was going to puke up his food. Said he was probably going to go to the office and see if he could leave for the day.
Lord knows how much I would love to stare at his face, gaze into his eyes and constantly analyze every contour and magnificent curve of his smooth farmboy chizeled body Lord know alright, but the truth is that in real life I can't sit there and stare at him, so I made sure that I causally glanced in other directions every now and then. One time I caught site of this other really cute boy who I just like and would like to know and he saw me to, and he saw who was sitting at my table and he glanced that's all, but that was all it took.
It just so happens that I work with the freshman who saw me and the guy I was sitting with. That week I had the morning shift with him and he didn't fail to mention that he saw who I was sitting with, that he saw me and him together. He didn't fail to mention it. I saw the look in his eyes when he told me. The way he devilishly smiled. So lightly, but so full of power, it felt. The way he tossed his hair across his face as he dismissed the subject with the same control he started it with, and left it in the thin air for the other workers who had heard him to ponder about. While he walked back to his part of the station.
It's like he knows my secret. Isn't it? I find it so funny. I even want to admire him. That freshman. How he can know what he possibly knows and not tell, keep it to himself, and then bring it up in ways like he did at work as a sort of power and control, as a way of just devilishly pointing out some kind of possibly known fact. and at the same time, seem so friendly about it, like he doesn't want to demean me, but point out that he knows what he just may as well know.
That's interesting no? It's not the only thing.
Yesterday, this one freshman I have a little crush on, that I can never seem to stop myself from looking at, God he's so gorgeous. He's one of those guys who you wish you could always make sure he knows just how beautiful he is. But can't. I was walking in the hall and noticed him, like its hard not to, and just kept walking after I got my glimpse of that perfect smile on his perfect face with his boyishly sweet tender hair. I turned the corner of the hallway and may name followed me too. People don't talk to me, they just don't. I take natural interest when I hear my name, because I see it as a possibly way to learn something about others interaction with me, so naturally even though I thought in ways I shouldn't I turned back popped me head around the corner just knowing it was him, looked at him instinctively and said "what?"
He looked at me, and smiled that smile, if I recall, my memory is shady now. It happened so quick, he may of even kind of shook his head in a way that said "typical" and then he said "nice talking with you." I knew it was bad from that moment and left saying "no problem."
Isn't so interesting, how these guys seem to have power over me. And not forceful controlling power either, just just, like the power of the know. I swear, its like they know, yet they do not condemn me to their knowledge! I don't know why. I just wonder, if they seem to know, and seem to have this power I think they know they have, what will they do next?
I can only imagine. Will you all wish me luck, please give me input. Maybe I'm just losing for now.
Hope this wasn't to long, my entries normally are.