Board...depressed...time on my hands

Kirika's picture

My roommate is currently in the room w/ her bf, so I have been temporarally exiled to the computer lab. In other words...I am board. So I am essentially going to all of the message boards I am a member of and typing random stuff. So yeah. I have realised what a pain it is to avoid names...and how pointless it is so I am giving my friends names.
Friend/on again off again crush=Val
Friend from back home=Danielle
Friend from Minnasota=Rachel
Two random friends from another dorm=Beka + Mary
My best friend/ex-crush=Chelsey
I think that is everyone who is important...Maybe this will make me a bit more legible.
So anyway me and Kim are fighting. She is going through a bit of a rough time right now...has a lot of crap going on w/ her boyfriend and her family and her friends. So she goes to Val and starts complaining. I have already asked Val out by the way and been turned down. So she goes and starts whining about what a bitch I am and how annoying it is because all I do is talk about Val all the time. Ummm...Kim, not the best person to talk to about that. Now Val hasn't talked to me in a week. Well on second thought she yelled at me for being a bitch to my roommate and then stopped talking to me. The worst part is I didn't even do anything. I have been perfectly nice to my roommate. I asked Kim what I did wrong and she said that I didn't care enough...WTF... I spend hours every day trying to comfort her so I told her that and she said "I know you care when your with me...but you don't really care because you don't think about it after I'm gone". What in the hell makes her think that she knows what I think about after she's gone. I assume she is baseing this on the fact that no one has come up to her and told her that I'm worried. I mean I'm soooo sorry that I like to keep the things my friends tell me confidential...unlike other people i know. Its really not fair because I am really worried. I mean I really wish that I could make her feel better. I've spent practically all of my spending money this week on cute little stuffed animals and things to make her feel better... and this is when I'm mad at her. I hate it when people assume that they know what is going on in your head. The worst part is I really don't have many friends, I mean what you see above is pretty much everyone excluding Val of course who isn't talking to me... and I really didn't need to lose people right now because I am going through a really rough time. I am trying to stop cutting, my dad has become violent again, and someone outed me at home so I lost a lot of other friends who think that I'm a horrible person because I am gay. And now I have to deal with the girl I'm pretty much in love with right now not speaking to me. I mean being with her was one of the few things that made me happy, she would come and get me to go to lunch with her and I would just start smiling. I was happy being her friend...maybe I did talk about her a lot, but I talked about her a hell of a lot less than Kim talks about Sean, her b/f. And the only reason I talked about her was because I was trying to fix our friendship because things were still really uncomfortable between us because I asked her out. half of the time it was along the lines of "Is it ok if I invite Val over to watch a movie tonight" WTF...why would that annoy her. I mean I listen to her talk about her friends and her b/f for a minimum of 3 hours every night before I go to bed. A lot of times I barely get sleep because I am up too late listening to her talk about her problems. This entire situation is not fair. I mean I know that Val not talking to me is not entirely Kims fault...there were already issues there, but we were doing really good until she talked to her and provided a catalyst. I mean I probably didn;t respond the best when Val tryed to talk to me...but we were in the cafateria...not exactly private and I felt a lot like I was being attacked. Val can be really verbally abusive...when she gets mad at me she will use everything against me including but not limeted to my cutting, my abusive father and the fact that he doesn't love me, the fact that I can't defend my mom when he hits her, my depression, the fact that I have trouble making friends,, ect. It's probably better that I am away from her actually, but I miss her a lot. It doesn't help that I still have to see her all the time...she lives 2 doors down from me and is best friends with Kim. it just hurts a lot to miss someone so much, to care about them so much...and then to have it be made so clear that they really don't give a shit about you. It hurts like hell. And it is definatly not helping me stop cutting. I had been so good for about 2 weeks...and then Val attacked me in the cafateria and I started crying and then I broke down and I haven't been able to let up since. It is all so pointless. I know that this isn't worth hurting myself over but she just destroyed me so utterly. Every time I think that maybe I shouldn't cut...I think of everything she said and Its like its just not worth it because if I destroy myself it won't be any loss to the world. Why do I like her when she treats me like shit? Am I just attracted to people that bring me pain?


the mouse that roared's picture

It sounds like you're going t

It sounds like you're going through a lot right now. I would tell you to treat yourself with some respect, and maybe go see a therapist. They can help you sort out your problems. It sounds like Val is being awful to you! That sucks, to be attracted to someone that's being mean to you. Maybe she's treating you like shit because she feels uncomfortable about the situation?

Are you hanging on to something useless just because you think it's beautiful?
--William Zinsser