damn you conservative catholic upbringing

sugarmagnolia's picture

ah, so i never came out to my best friend, despite my multiple claims that i really was going to that time. i'm the biggest chicken ever. i'm having a lot of trouble reading her though. like today i could've sworn she was flirting with me, if it was a guy i'd have been sure of it. we were sitting in the paper office, on the rolling chairs, and she rolls over and playfully hits me with a rolled up paper. she was right up close to me, and as were's struggling, her to hit me, me to get the paper, i feel her foot wrap around my ankle... i don't know.

one of her other friends came out to her recently, a girl she's known much longer than she's known me. she mentioned (refering to sexual orientation) that she doesn't take anything for granted anymore. so i can't tell if that means that she's paranoid, or that she realized that even people close to her might not tell her they're gay, or if she suspects that i'm gay.... considering in the several years that i've known her, i've only once said anything either way (and it was when we first met, during a discussion about homosexuality, and i said i was straight). other than that though... crap, i just realized that i may have seemed a bit homophobic at that time. damn you conservative catholic upbringing **shakes fist towards sky** i have to just tell her, even if she doesn't react how i'd like her to, it'd be less confusion and variables i have to worry about.

something else kind of weird happened today... one of my friends recently broke up with her boyfriend, so she's been going on with this whole "men and women can't be true friends without complications because of sexual tensions." i just keep my both shut because in general i get along swimmingly with boys, and considering i don't have a boyfriend, i don't need them making any conclusions just yet. that said, one of our male friends in the room disagreed. then he said, "though i will admit, a lot of female friendships do stem from crushes, but now i've said a lot." this guy was single when i first met him, and i kind of picked up on a bit of a vibe from him then. the weird part was his girlfriend was right there when he said it, but i can't really see the two of the splitting up. i do however think he might have been trying to tell me that when we first met he had a crush on me, my curiosity stems from why he would need to share that information. oh well.

right now i really need to come out to people, and then i want a girl friend. the first step is working up the courage to tell my best friend, i'd write her a letter, but i feel like she's one person that i need to tell face to face. i plan on using the letter approach for my slightly more conservative freshman roommate, who will need time to digest the information and reassure herself. i plan on telling her that she's like a sister to me, that way i avoid the catch-22 of her either being upset that i was attracted to her, or her feeling that my not being attracted to her means she's not attractive in general. once i tell those two, i think everything should fall into place (as far as college people go, anyway). parents and family come after i'm financially stable, in case they cut me off. which would suck. anyways, this is getting too long already, so i think i'll call it a night.

Comments

Sorority_Girl's picture

I'm in your boat... well I was recently

Hey I'm 19 too, and I just accepted a little less than a month ago that I was a lesbian. It kind of feels good to accept it though huh? I'm really gonna keep my fingers crossed for you and telling your best friend. I told mine a couple weeks ago, and I was SOO nervous, but it was like a HUGE weight lifted. I'd say about 40 people or so know about me, and the more I tell the better I feel, so I'm really confident, that once you are able to jump over these first couple hurdles, you'll be well on your way. I understand about wanting a girlfriend too. This is so new, and you really just wanna get out there and experience it, and take it bye the horns lol... but it'll happen. I'm really excited for you! Ummmmm... so I'll remember to keep comments this long for my own journal, and not take up yours LOL... feel free to IM me ANYTIME if you want!! GOOD LUCK!

devildog's picture

It's understandable you're ne

It's understandable you're nervous, don't baet yourself up about it. It took me...about a year to come out to my best friend, which went okay. I was literally shaking and about to vomit, I think:P. But it does feel like a huge weight is lifted, and you don't feel so paranoid all the time. I basically had to kick myself in the ass to strike up the nerve, LOL.

Anyways, good luck:).

~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian