Dear Diary - Probably the last daily journal entry + Some family background

Uncertain's picture

Dear Diary (14/12/05, I just know it didn't rain)

Okay, flight to Taiwan is tomorrow! I only started (and finished) packing today. Man, I'll be in Taiwan for six long weeks. I won't be allowed to go on my computer as often/or at night... and sometimes I will lack privacy or internet connection. All this means that my daily journal entries that I have been writing from the first day I found and signed up on Oasis will eventually come to a halt. I might manage to sneak on oasis and make a few posts if no one is paying attention to me or my dad allows me stay home alone (he usually wants me to go to his office). However, I won't have the time to do hour-long journal entries. This I find very depressing. I might make a recount of what happened every week... so it might be a weekly diary entry. If even that's not possible... I will keep note on what I did and make a full entry when I return to New Zealand. Also, when I return to NZ, school will have started... I will be busy, so I guess I can only do an entry when I have time (meaning about two entries per week, or making entries extremely short).

Also, going back to Taiwan means seeing my mum. I don't exactly know if I should come out to her. After thinking through things logically, thinking that I'm still kind of exploring my sexuality to the full and also still wondering if I'm prematurely labelling myself as being gay (the gay/bi thing that screws me up sometimes)... I think that I will stay in the closet if my mum is very hostile/denying/etc towards my sexuality or if my mum doesn't address the issue herself. If my mum happens to bring up this issue herself, I think I will not exactly come out to her... but I will just be honest and tell her how I feel - that I definitely like guys, and isn't straight. Both Beibei and Lowell thinks this is a very good idea. I'll do what feels right to me, I think I'm a bit young to come out to my parents anyway. I should be very ready and be very sure about my sexuality before really coming out to my parents. Otherwise I'll just create confusion for my parent's part.

So um, what did I do today? I played three rounds of a Starcraft Micro game. First round was Kenoli and I verses two IA clan members. It lasted 80 minutes and we won =). After that it's Wilhelm and I against Kenoli and Felagund... and again I won =). Then the next round after that I was with Kenoli, playing against Wilhelm and Felagund... and I won once again. Woo.

Okay, then after that I was testing my friend's map... helping him with some problems. I also started a new map (which became seriously bugged btw, I'm probably going to ask for kenoli to check it out). I also tested Rantent's new map... and then just sat in channel for a bit and talked. Today was really just a relaxation kind of day.

So um, yeah.. that's about it. I'm feeling really wierd today... like, bored and random... blurting out random stuff. My sister just got pissed because she thinks I'm "blaming" her for bringing a heavy luggage. I simply just asked "Why is your luggage so heavy" then she got all defensive about it, saying all the stuff is what my mom wants us to buy in NZ and bring back to Taiwan. Uh, Wtf... ok sometimes I get really annoyed when people get pissed at me for simple things.

Well also, my mum always wants us to buy SO MUCH STUFF in NZ and carry it back to Taiwan for her. I hate it when she does that, it's not about the heaviness... it's about my dad being super farking pissed when he finds out. This is because my dad thinks my mum is buying all those things as gifts for her 'friends' that my dad totally despise. My dad said he paid for every cent of the flight ticket, so my mum has no right to buy all those crap for her "friends" and using me and my sister as a means of transporting the 'goods'. However my dad doesn't have a problem with my mum having us bringing some stuff for my mum if it's only for her own personal use.(My parents are divorced in case you didn't know, I never really mentioned it before because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'm just saying it now for easier understanding of why my dad is angry).

My mum is also such a total idiot sometimes, like a fricking idiot. (I feel like an idiot too not knowing she is one a few years ago). Because my mum used to live with me, my sister and my brother in NZ a few years ago, but my mum just like comparing with rich families... and think that my dad is limiting her budget too much, and that my dad is being really unfair towards her... and then my mum started throwing tantrums at my dad (mostly fueld by the retarded friends of hers who act like they care for my mother. After the divorce basically every single one of them was gone. Those "friends" of hers seperated my parents and ruined our once happy family. That's why my dad hates my mum's "friends" so much {One example is already mentioned. My dad pissed at mum for brining stuff from NZ for her "friends"}). My mum also makes assumptions that my dad is cheating on her in Taiwan (I was brainwashed to believe this which I was younger, I will never know if this is true. However after the divorce my brother went back to Taiwan... and I believe he never saw another girl in the house with my dad... and my dad is always hard working (sometimes up to 14 hours of work a day) so he can afford my sister and I's expenses and education in NZ. Besides from working, my dad also has to take care of my younger brother. My dad has to take so many responsibilities... including those of a mother. And now you may ask where my mother is? She's living somewhere in a more rural place being a nurse. She even complained to my dad that she hasn't got enough money after my dad gave her TWO houses (which she sold) after the divorce. My dad made everything fair and square with my mum after the divorce... because my mum thinks my dad depends on him and my dad wants to prove to her that he can live without her. Now my mum is all alone and can rarely visit her children... and now she has to work hard almost everyday being a nurse when she could've been happily looking after her three children in NZ and her children (us) would grow up to thank her for what she'd done. My mum also sold the 'forest' that she had under her name to my dad after the divorce... but in fact my dad actually paid for the 'forest' (plantation etc.) in the first place (before the divorce), except having the forest under her name. My mum also cancelled a really good insurance plan and also threw away all our childhood photos our family had together because it was kept in one of the houses my dad gave to her. My mum made so many more mistakes... she's such an idiot... I can make the reasons go on forever. And behind all that mess is my dad cleaning it all up and rebuilding everything we had again. My dad is sooo dedicated. I thank him so much. However, although my mum has made all these mistakes.. I know she is still a caring person. However, I can somehow never forgive some of the stuff she did to our family. Sorry guys... I ranted on for a bit.

I don't know how I went on a complete tangent... but there's so much more about my family that is pretty "wierd/screwed up", such as the rivalry for my mum's dad's properties. It's all pretty stuffed really. My mum was a spoilt child because she was born in a VERY RICH family. What happened was my grandpa (referring to mum's dad) was a doctor and his first child was a daughter (this is my mum's sister). My grandma was especially disappointed (sexist) so she adopted a boy (I didn't know my uncle was adopted until after my mum and dad's divorce). For about 16 years nothing much happened. Then after that long period of time my mum and her twin sister was born. My mum's twin sister died later and my mum grew up. When my mum was at highschool my grandpa died from lung cancer which leaves my sexist grandma to take care of his money, land and property. My mum knew little of the inheritage issue and thought that his adopted brother (who is actually quite nice) would share part of the property with her. This could've been possible because of the close bond between my mum and her adopted brother . However, on the day (Yes what coincidence) which our family were taking the plane to immigrate to New Zealand... my mum got a phonecall at the airport that her adopted brother had died from a heart-attack. I remember my mum flying to New Zealand, and flying back to Taiwan the next day to attend the funeral and sort out things. What made things worse was that my mum returned to NZ, leaving my dead uncle's wife with my sexist grandma who is suffering from very bad physical pain, so my grandma resorts to religion to cure her and make her go to heaven after her death. My uncle's wife took advantage of this and became a semi-monk... (vegetarian - you can't kill in this religion {Buddhism}) to win my grandmother's heart and trust. Then my uncle's wife (aunt?) started deceiving my gradma into distrusting my mother and her sister... and eventually tricked her to hand all ALL the money my grandpa earned to her. After that my uncle's wife sent my grandma to a Retirement home/hospital which she died in less than 6 months. My mum was totally outraged from what my uncle's wife did... and I used to suffer all my mum's rants and sometimes tantrums and violent abuses sometimes (I remember her choking me once). However that's only when she's out of control. I can also remember my mum arguing with my aunt, and seeing them tear away notes worth hundreds of dollars. All this screwed up stuff happened... or should I just call it wierd. Bah, there's more but I won't go on. Sometimes I feel like my life can be made into a drama TV show. I don't know... uh... I've never told anyone out there this. I just felt like I could tell you guys since I know I can trust you all. Also, I kind of got over all the screwed-up-ness. I'm a very gay and happy homo (sapien) now. =)

Okay, sorri about that total wierd rant. That's something about my family. Nothing much else happened today really... at least after all that typing I can hardly recall what happened. Also, a lot of people wished me well for my flight. I'm gona eat HEAPS when I get to Taiwan. Mmmm... I love food in Taiwan. Well, I guess that's it. Cyah!



raining men's picture

Good luck

Good luck with your mom man. It probably is worth bringing up the conversation about sexuality though - she sounds likes she's denying - make sure she understands what you're feeling, but admit that you're not sure entirely what your sexuality is. If you think she might get violent or chuck you out, don't bother though. And 14 isn't too young - I came out to my dad when I was 14.
We're going to miss you dude!!!

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suf-fer-ing"

Uncertain's picture

That's very brave that you ca

That's very brave that you came out to your DAD at only 14, something I still can't exactly imagine to do yet. I'll use my initiative and do what's best with my mum. Thanks a lot for all the responses you have given me. I'll miss you a lot too! Take care of youself :)

Note: Still haven't gone yet, leaving for my flight in two hours.

devildog's picture


We're all going to miss you and your journal entries:(. We're addicts!

And don't worry, you're family sounds about as screwed up as mine. My family is completely nuts, but if I went into detail it would go on for thousands of words:P. Most people have strangeness in their family-we just all think we have to hide it.

Good luck on coming out to your mom:). I really hope it goes well!


I’m not as sad as Doestoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And I'll stick it on the shelf again.
-Belle and Sebastian

Uncertain's picture

Hehe, at least I'm not experi

Hehe, at least I'm not experiencing a family that's one of a kind then =P

Thank you Sam for your supportive comments and PMs, it made my time here more enjoyable and fun to read other people's thoughts.

Man I love you guys (and girls!) so much! I'll be back in a while! I'll miss all of you too!